Tigers things that have been happening, in Terrible Cartoons.


illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Was anyone in the world surprised by the ‘news’ that Joel Zumaya and Carlos Guillen will not be with the team come Opening Day? Of course not. The only way this would have been surprising is if both of them were bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and sound in every limb. That would have been truly shocking.

Zoom has soreness in his elbow (the one that shattered so horri-memorably last season), Guillen has some sort of shenanigans surrounding his knee. They will rest, and maybe the inflammation will go down. At that point they will come off the DL, play a few games, and promptly get injured again. So It Is Written.

Let us remember that I already have an entire cat-egory for Carlos Guillen’s surgically repaired knee, and the only reason I don’t have one for Zoom is because there are too many body parts involved.

Will Rhymes has (at least temporarily) beaten out Danny Worth and Scott Sizemore for the starting job at second base.

This is a positive decision from a Roar of the Tigers viewpoint, so I can only hope the Tigers stick with it, and that Will Rhymes continues to wear his hair long. If he decided to start wearing his socks up too, that would pretty much make things perfect. Oh, also he should continue to hit the baseball in a useful manner. Really, though, this is a good thing. Danny Worth is freaking difficult to render in Terrible Cartoon form, and Scott Sizemore just always looks worried. Not when he’s wearing baseball jerseys that defy the mind and eyeballs, but at most other times: worried. WHAT DOES HE KNOW THAT WE DON’T?

Anyways, I feel safer with Will Rhymes. How can you mistrust the second base-defending skills of someone capable of remaining so calm when he’s about to get his face ripped off by a werewolf?

He is also obsessed with Chipotle burritos. OBSESSED. He can talk about them for a disturbingly long time.

Phil Coke is going to be the fifth starter whether we like it or not, but the Tigers don’t actually need five starters to begin the season. The way the schedule is staggered will let them get away with just four until they get to the weekend of the first home series. So that’s an extra 8 games where Coke gets to hang out in the bullpen with all the other relievers who thought they had gotten rid of him. NOPE.

I watched the Mets game that was on FSND the other day, and Phil Coke said some things during his interview.

–“I felt like I was throwing like a little girl there for a while.”

–On how he knew things were going well in some sort of simulated game situation thing: “[It was just] about hearing a lot of foul language from the guys, ’cause I was throwing a lot of heaters down the middle.”

–On starting the season in the bullpen: “I get to hang out with my boys, man!”

–On not being able to run in from the bullpen to psyche himself up for an appearance: “Coming in like a bull from a china shop.”

–On whether he considers himself a ‘personality’ in the bullpen: “Ah, you guys say that. People are gonna believe what y’all tell ‘em.”
Rod Allen: “That’s right!”

–On what he’s going to do now that he’s out of the game for the day: “I’m gonna go kick up my feet, put my hands behind my head (demonstrating), put my feet up on the coffee table and go watch some boob tube.”
Rod Allen: “You got a real nice lifestyle!”

He also recently said the following, after a bad outing:

“It was weird,” Coke said. “It was one of those days. Very rarely does this ever happen to me: I could hear everything today.”

After the bat slipped out of the hands of Lance Berkman and into the Tigers’ dugout twice — once in the first inning and again in the fourth, when it struck infield coach Rafael Belliard in the arm — Coke admitted his concentration was affected.

“Once my focus was interrupted, I was garbage,” Coke said.
George Sipple/Detroit Free Press

Fifth starter, ladies and gentlecats: psyched out by crowd noise. I’m not saying this is necessarily going to be an issue during the season, but it is a thing that happened in real actual life. Panic at the level you deem appropriate.

You know how sometimes during a broadcast Rod will just start to lose it, and Mario will continue to doggedly attempt to call the game, but you can totally tell that he’s one wrong word away from cracking up himself, and also he knows Rod is being distracting and incredibly unhelpful but he can’t get mad because Mario just can’t stay mad at Rod? You know what I mean. Anyways, I always imagine it like this. Noogies.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPA GRANDE! Jose Valverde turns 33 on March 24. Put on a pair of glasses, squat down, bug your eyes out as far as they will go, and scream at the top of your lungs to properly celebrate.

The end.

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30 responses to “Tigers things that have been happening, in Terrible Cartoons.

  1. Samara, could you possibly be more awesome? The cartoons have me cracking up like I’m in a padded room at an insane asylum. You totally made my (late) night. Thank you.

  2. ivantopumpyouup

    I love all of these.

  3. Your best work yet. Bravo.

    I can’t stop laughing at the Zoom/Carlos one…

  4. Simply outstanding!

  5. “How can you mistrust the second base-defending skills of someone capable of remaining so calm when he’s about to get his face ripped off by a werewolf?”
    I didn’t know Wolfman Jack had a grandson! Dan Schlereth!

    “Not when he’s wearing baseball jerseys that defy the mind and eyeballs”
    That was Jimmy Buffet night at the ballpark. The number on the back of the jersey got lost in the all of the flowers.

  6. Terrible Terrible Terrible Terrible Terrible Terrible = WONDERFULNESS
    Now that’s more like it!

  7. you’re gonna have to add (I don’t even want to type this but I am) something of a tail to brandon’s stupid chin-thing. because it’s still there, for some reason.

  8. what a talent you are!

  9. Simply awesome Tiger art! My favorite is Coke peeking into the ‘pen. I was only disappointed that Rhymes was taller than Worth and Sizemore while standing atop the winner’s stage. If he would have still been two inches shorter, that would have been nice!

  10. You do know what a great shout out you got from Kurt today: http://www.blessyouboys.com/2011/3/24/2069495/roar-of-the-tigers-dl-island#comments

    Can viral pneumonia be far behind?

  11. Well done… all of them! A++

  12. Is the well-bearded fellow next to Valverde supposed to be Perry?

  13. Samara: You are a bonafide hoot. Funny. Got a kick out of the Inge cartoon, because I am NOT a Brandon fan…at all. Perhaps thats why it made me chuckle.

  14. Jose Valverde Birthday = my new facebook photo

  15. Let's Go Tigers

    I definately vote for a Casper Wells drawing celebrating his admittance to the 25 man roster.

  16. NCAA tournament graphic:

    VCU
    Famous Alumni: Brandon Inge

    So Brandon still has a shot, on-screen graphically, for a Final Four appearance!

    • Actually now that I think of it, I believe the category was “Notable Alumni.”

      (And I wasn’t even looking, luckily the guy next to me remarked, “Brandon Inge, that’s the best the can come up with?”)

      • That is hilarious.

        • So now Brandon is in the Final Four, although in a slightly diminished role: now the graphic lists Brandon Inge, Thunder G Eric Maynor, 2010 Miss America Caressa Cameron, and the largest French film festival in the US as notable VCU things.

          See what a couple of extra days of research can do for you? I doubt we’ll see any of them courtside, although a halftime short film in French featuring Inge and Miss America would be a can’t-miss hit…

  17. This is wonderful. I love them all. (But if you were on twitter, just as a means to tweet when your blog had a new post up, I would have seen them earlier. Just FYI.) :)

    • You know, I made a Twitter account, I just haven’t used it yet. My PR-director brother started yelling at me for not having one.

      • I was extremely skeptical of it a year ago when I started to use it as a newsfeed – now I love it. (Although it’s the only social networking thing I am at all involved with, as I don’t use Facebook or anything like that, so I don’t have any other similar function occupying my time.)

        It’s a great way to keep track of the blogs I follow when I’m not on a computer and I use it to chat with friends from my phone.

  18. Why is Papa Grande eating the cupcake like that so damn funny? I have no idea, but I laughed out loud in the office and had to turn it into a cough.

  19. Hey Samara – featuring this on Detroit Tigers Opening Day 2011: Play Ball! on Absolute Michigan.

    Cupcakes for everyone!

  20. DL island is my favorite

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