death by Twinkie


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

The slow, painful death of suffocation in an ever-growing pile of Twinkies. The soft cakey tubes, amusing at first as they begin to accumulate, ever more alarming as the surrounding pile grows. They are spongy and yielding but they can and will smother you all the same.

Brad Penny was not awful. He was hurt by yet another Jim Thome home run (no shame there, it’s just what Thome does), and a homer by Rene Tosoni, who might be some sort of pasta. Carl Pavano was not THAT much better than Penny. Ho hum.

Jhonny hhomered, which was nice. Victor went 3-for-4 despite the fact that he cannot run around the bases, he can only limp grittily. DYII hit the ball hard a bunch of times, but Ben Revere snatched hits away from him with a worrying intensity of focus. HO HUM.

Papa Grande had an unusually rough outing. Cats were left on base. That was that. Drowing in Twinkies. Sugar overload.

By the way, we should expect that Alex Avila is going to play until he collapses unconscious on the field. Good plan. Good plan.

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11 responses to “death by Twinkie

  1. i do not want to come across those again… or do i?
    I believe if we tame this snackfood we may be able to devour it. we just need to find a way to not put Papa in when they’re tied. Deja Vu? Yes. I still remember David Ortiz

  2. Me to and that 66 pitch inning in FENWAY! Umm. Did you have anything to do with that Sam? I agree we can’t let 2 things happen 1. Let Leyland put Papa Grande in the 9th in a tied game, 2. Let Rhino play the infield I mean a rhinosuraus is not suited to move very fast unless agrivated by a jerky native racist logo. Hope they beat those racists or it’s gonna be a long Sept. and Oct. meanwhile Suckiago has been down graded to a slightly less Suckiago. 2 homers in 3 games amazing!

    • Papa has given up 17 runs in a non-save situation and only 2 in a save-situation. you’d think that someone in the tigers coaching staff would notice that. He now has a record of 2-4 but is still perfect in saves 35-0. i wonder what his era would be if he only pitched in save situation. the tigers should make that happen

  3. Clearly, what we need is some expertise from McDonalds or Frito Lay to turn The Big Potato into a greater opposing snack food to counter the Twinkies.

  4. The Tigers could have pulled off the win last night.
    When What’s His Face bunted the ball and Betimet charged, got it bare handed and threw it to Santiago covering he was called safe and an unfair error to wilson. Replays show that santiago did not pull his foot till after whats his face got there so he was acutally out. that might have cost him the game. We just don’t know if Papa couldve gotten out of it. What do you think?

  5. Being slowly suffocated by a Twinkie sounds like a truly horrible way to go. But, I have a print-out on my wall (which I think I stole from Big League Stew back in 2009 around Game 163-time) of a Tiger eating a Twinkie, saying “Some days the Twinkie gets you. Some days you get the Twinkie.” I think that is a good motto for life.

    Another motto Jim Leyland should live by is “DON’T PUT PAPA GRANDE IN DURING NON-SAVE SITUATIONS!” (Or, is that not catchy enough.)

  6. LOL, some type of pasta. I don’t understand how these guys like Tosoni who are so mediocre as Red Wings (my local AAA team is the Twinkies’ affiliate) somehow become good when they get called up. Meh.

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