Don’t be sad, Rick Porcello.


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

There, there, Rick Porcello. It’s ok.

Did last night’s game start to lose cohesion while you were on the mound? Sure. Four runs in six innings, that’s not great. I mean, you hit Jorge Posada, then gave up hits to Russell Martin and Derek Jeter. You don’t want to let Jeter start the scoring, FredFred. It gets the Yankee fans too excited; it’s almost indecent. Think of the children.

In the next inning, nobody scored, but you hit Mark Teixeira. I don’t object on principle, mind you– hit Teixeira as much as you want on your own time, or in nominal garbage time during the regular season. Not a great thing to be hitting dudes left and right during the playoffs, though. I’m not trying to make you feel any worse than you already do, FredFred. I’m just saying.

Victor homered and it started to seem like things might be OK. But that’s where you started to lose it. Martin singled, again. Gardner singled. Jeter did a bunt-thing. Then Curtis Granderson hit an RBI double, striking at the very heart of Tigers fans everywhere. Then A-Rod hit a sac fly to score Jeter, which is also just disgusting. Think of the kittens, FredFred.

After that most of the damage can be attributed to the bullpen, and to the curious failure of the bats, but it was already too late. And it was your very first postseason appearance, FredFred– we know how you were SO looking forward to it.

BUT IT’S OK! We are here to tell you that the blame is not yours. You are the victim here, my kittenish friend. You are the victim of your own teammates, and a victim of the unimpeachable fact of Curtis Granderson’s awesomeness, and the latest in a long line of victims to the Yankee regime.

There there, Rick Porcello. Dry your tears, raise your head, and go help Paws turn Yankee Stadium into his own personal litter box.

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11 responses to “Don’t be sad, Rick Porcello.

  1. OK, he doesn’t have to cry but he BETTER be looking sad until the Tigers win it tonight!!

  2. My biggest disappointment in the series, besides the obvious failure to clinch yet, is the lack of more Tigers pitchers hiting more Yankees players with a ball. Not that I’m advocating violence, of course, but if a 100 MPH Verlander rocket happened to land in A-Rod’s face, would the world be any worse for it? Just sayin’.

  3. I was at this game (along with Monday’s Verlander Show) and it was the most depressing event I’ve ever been to. To witness Comerica Park EMPTY out during the World’s-longest-top-of-the-eighth inning was so sad to witness. It just seemed like the baseball gods (or maybe the baseball mantises (manti?)) had turned against us and was evident in every hit batter, line drive straight to Jeter or Grandy, balk, walk, and ARod hit. I pray the manti are on our side tomorrow night because if I have to listen to one more self righteous Yankee fan (side note: we are in DETROIT – please stop acting like you’re from the Bronx, people) brag about the number of championships the Yankees have won, I’m going to lose my sanity.

  4. I still count game 163 as a playoff game for FredFred, even if MLB says otherwise.

    FredFred actually pitched fairly well, I thought. For a while, the difference was that Grandy caught the fly ball in the 1st and AJax didn’t catch the fly ball in the 3rd – the “game of inches”. (That being said, it’s sure looked like that AJax has had trouble reading the ball hit to left-center the last couple of nights. He’s gotten to those fly balls before.)

  5. If magical thinking counts for anything I’m afraid I share part of the blame, since I wished here yesterday for a “nice, blood-pressure-friendly blowout.” Clearly that wasn’t specific enough –I meant the kind of blowout where WE WIN and the other guys cry. Humble apologies to all.
    BUT it’s only one game, and counts no more than a 1-run nailbiter. AND Dougie Fister is awesomeness personified, AND Tiger bats are due to bust out, while NY bats have shot their wad, AND the Great Spirit-Cat is on our side, along with all that’s right & noble.
    SO onward and upward with the litter-box-ization of Yankee Stadium! Beat them dastardly Nyawkers till they mommas don’t recognize ‘em! Win us a ballgame & make Motown rejoice.

  6. I’m basically for whoever is playing the Yankees. So tonight I’m the Tigers’ number one fan. We’re countin on you V-Mart!

  7. I don’t blame poor Fred Fred for this sad time i blame freakin’ Tiger gone bad CURTIS FREAKIN’ GRANDERSON I MEAN C’MON MAN!!!!!

  8. I was there too. It was so awful. It is the only time I have ever left a game early. I stuck it out through the eighth inning from hell, but when we went to the 9th and started giving up more hits I just decided to go home and weep into my whiskey. Why, lord, why??

  9. See, any hitting of Teixeira is a good thing in my opinion, so FredFred gets a pass from me. (I despise Teixeira, as any good Orioles fan does.)

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