Category Archives: unmitigated disaster

Pandas are bad and should be avoided.


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Nasty brutish dangerous creatures. Can’t be trusted with tourists or food-sized children or fastballs or sliders. Terrible animals that lull you into a false sense of security with their kindly faces and adorably roly-poly bodies only to MAUL THE LIFE OUT OF YOU and also to HIT THREE HOME RUNS IN ONE GAME.

Pandas: they are just no good.

For the well-being of the planet, I believe we must make them even more endangered. It is the only logical solution to the problem. The panda problem.

tigerscoaster


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Some people are really big fans of the whole amusement park schtick. Teacup ride? Hell yes. Wave pool full of pee? Endless fun! Rollercoaster? Even more fun, and not vomit-inducing at all!

For me, no thank you: I would rather not be on the rollercoaster at all. I know that it can be very exciting for people, gives ‘em a thrill, gets the ol’ adrenaline flowing and whatnot, I have a basic understanding of the biochemical and psychological theory behind its attractiveness and so on and so forth. For me, it is just too much excitement. I am but a tender gentle soul, prone to bouts of nervousness; no kind of person who should be subjected to the unbearable stimulation of a high-flyin’ rollercoaster.

But this is the state of the Detroit Tigers at this moment. Sweep the Wrong Sox, lose two of three to the freaking Racist Logos, get swept by the Rally Monkeys, and split (thus far) with the Wrong Sox again. The highs are high enough to make the lows seem horribly low and it’s all happening on the edge of a razor-thin coaster rail as we careen headlong into the playoffs, or not the playoffs, depending on how reliably we can keep the little cart on the curve.

Are you vomiting from the excitement and the g-forces yet?

Run-on sentences on water and cats and things.


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

–The umpires chose to end last night’s game in the 6th inning with the bases loaded and two outs for the Tigers, and Franklin Morales (middle relief) pitching for the Sox. The Tigers were down by 3 so the tying run was on first and the potential leading run was at the plate. And I mean YES it was pouring and had been raining steadily all game to that point and YES the Tigers had already stranded so many runners and had thus shown no particular ability or inclination to do anything with cats already on the bases and there was no real reason to believe that Omar Infante or anybody else would change the course of that trend there in the 6th because apparently the Tigers have Problems in Boston, be those problems park factors or mental issues or what-the-cat-ever, BUT

I am still calling this one CONSPIRACY. Because, you see, it HAD really been raining all game, and you wait until the Tigers have the bases loaded but are within scoring reach and the Sox are into their bullpen and THENNNNNN you call the game?!? ACCOUNT FOR THYSELVES, FOUL CONSPIRATORS OF BASE BALL ADJUDICATION.

–Josh Beckett left the game after 2.2 innings due to “back spasms,” but it looked like he was complaining about the mound before he went, soooo… who knows. The crowd certainly was not sympathetic, and booed the coprolites out of him as he left the field. Boston has about had it with all things Josh Beckett right now.

–So I mean there I was all expecting the game to take a serious Tigers turn because Beckett was out and Clayton Mortenson is totally just some dude named Clayton Mortenson and you would think– ALL LOGICAL AND CORRECT-MINDED PEOPLE WOULD THINK– that this would be a recipe for scrumptious Tigers success. But it was not. Flavorful run pies were not baked. I have no explanation for this behavior but I know that it needs to stop. Mama cat needs to EAT, boys!

–I guess that is the end of Justin Verlander’s Always 6 Innings or More Streak, but who cares.

–The trade deadline turned out to not be a big deal for the Tigers, which is fine, except for the fact that obviously the current formulation of the team is somewhat less-than-effective and maybe a shake-up would have helped that but I mean WHATEVER. OVER IT. I was at this game with a Phillies phan so that lent a little trade deadline perspective. There is a difference both quantitative and qualitative between the struggles of the Tigers and whatever it is the Phillies have been doing this season and we should probably all remember that.

–Seriously take a moment to proffer thanks to your personal deity, to the ghost of Hank Greenberg, to Paws, or whatever. We could be Kansas City. Or Colorado. Never 4get.

–What is the problem the Tigers have in Boston though. What is that. WHAT IS IT

why is baseball

When I searched for the keyword ‘why’ in my cartoon bank, I got the following:

So that’s Joel Zumaya suffering after one of his innumerable injuries, Jim Schwartz being angry, and Paws asking why there are no Japanese players on the Tigers. I don’t know what any of this has to do with anything, but let’s go with it.

Why is this happening? Why are the Tigers losing so much, and so miserably? Why do they have to lose to the Racist Logos? Why is Delmon Young? Why does Ryan Raburn, even from afar, curse the very ground upon which Paws walks? Why is Alex Avila hurt (more) (again)? Why did I see “Young, M, LF” in the box score just now and think, Wait a tic, since when do we have Michael Young? Since when does Michael Young play left field? before I remembered that Matt Young was a cat whom we have now?

There are no good answers to these questions. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes bad baseball happens to (nominally) good teams. You see, I am trying to achieve some sort of pseudo-zen state about this, as a way to preserve the tattered remnant shreds of my own sanity. It’s totally working. INSERT STRAINED TOOTHY GRIN HERE.

ETA: And now it turns out that, although it is not yet official, Alex Avila will be headed for the DL with a Hamstring of Doom. WHY.

Extra bad things happening in extra innings.


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

I don’t like it. No, I don’t like it one bit.

feelings on this first postseason game of 2011

I have a lot of feelings about the way this game went down, and here they are, summed:

So that’s that.

should you wish to recreate the feeling of having watched these past two games


image by Samara Pearlstein

Here’s a fun activity for you to try at home!

Step 1: Get a large glass and fill it with lukewarm water.

Step 2: Put as much of that water as you possibly can into your mouth. Don’t swallow it, just pour it in there until your cheeks are bulging like Placido Polanco’s head. It’s ok if some of the water escapes. Don’t be afraid to get messy in the name of home science!

Step 3: Go to the nearest bathroom. Make sure the toilet seat is up.

Step 4: Standing over the toilet, bend over a little and open your mouth.

Step 5: As the water pours out of your toothy face cavern, make noises like BLURBLURBLUR and BLARRRGGHURRRRH. This really enhances the experience!

Step 6 (optional): Without wiping off your face, go find the nearest car. Slam your thumb in the car door. This will let you feel really close to Brennan Boesch right now.

Step 7 (optional): Find some neighborhood kids who play Little League, or your local aluminum bat equivalent league (Cal Ripken, etc). Pay them $5 to beat you with their bats. Make sure they get a nice distribution and beat you all over– your limbs, your head, your core. This will give you a nice sense of what Alex Avila is feeling these days!

Congratulations! You have now experienced two consecutive losses to the Racist Logos, one of them a 14-inning game that was lost on a walkoff hit-by-pitch, the other a blowout where Jason Kipnis kicked Rick Porcello repeatedly in the kidneys.

~Just like being there!~

Our only chance to salvage the series will come with Justin Verlander tonight. No pressure, Justin!