Hi! I’m Jeremy Bonderman! You might know me from such beloved films as ‘Beating the snot out of your team’, ‘Throwing a lot of strikes’, ‘Making Oakland cry for dealing me’, ‘Dominating the game of baseball’, and ‘Hot ManStudz 5: “Fireballing” Righties!’
Ha ha, I’m just kidding about that last one. Seriously. Don’t tell my wife.
What I’m here to say is very simple. I, Jeremy Bonderman, am better than you, reader.
I sense doubt. You’re a cocky reader, you think you’re pretty hot stuff. You think, Jeremy Bonderman? The guy’s only 22 years old, he’s just a kid. Look at him, he’s all stocky and bland. He pitches for the Detroit Tigers. He ain’t got nothin’ on my sexy reader self. I know your sort, reader. I deal with them every 5th day, when I pitch. In the Major Leagues. The Major Leagues of BASEBALL. Which I am GOOD ENOUGH TO PLAY IN. Which you ARE NOT.
Yes, it is true. Opposing batters look at me much as you do, reader. They have all the scouting reports, but you know some of those guys don’t read the scouting reports. And even those that do… well. They see the Jeremy Bonderman of 2003. They see a guy who’s 22 years old. They see the Detroit D (or the squiggly script saying ‘Detroit’, if we’re away). They think, we’re the Minnesota Twins! Everyone’s favorite scrappy underfunded homegrown kiddies! America loves us! We do so much with so little! We have Johan Santana! Jeremy Bonderman is but a fly in the ventilation system of our cruddy domed park to us. And the Detroit Tigers? They are terrible.
Tonight the Minnesota Twins learned a hard lesson, reader, one to which you would do well to attend. They learned that when no one in your lineup is hitting over .300, you are going to have a hard time getting hits against anyone, but you are especially going to have a hard time getting hits off of Jeremy Bonderman. Because Jeremy Bonderman is a STUD. Yes, I had 9 strikeouts, which works out to one per inning, for you guys who don’t like doing math. Now if you figure in the fact that I only walked two guys and only allowed two runs all game, on 5 hits… well, that adds up to a pretty good game.
Because, reader, I went whole hog tonight. I went the whole 9 yards, and not in the same way I did in ‘Hot ManStudz 5’. I pitched 9 whole innings, and that’s a complete game right there, the third of my career. Have you thrown 3 complete games at the major league level by the time you were 22, reader? I didn’t think so.
I threw 107 pitches on the night. Kyle Lohse, the starter for the Twins, threw 105 pitches. In 4.2 innings. That’s pretty sad. I guess I am better than both you, the reader, and Kyle Lohse.
And as for the Twins’ assessment of the Detroit Tigers as being terrible? Well Placido Polanco did a little something called “going 3-for-5 despite or perhaps because of his incredibly lumpy and misshapen head”, and Pudge did a little something called “going 2-for-5 with 2 RBI and also picking off Joe Mauer and throwing Lew Ford out at second base because he’s the best catcher in the history of ever”. Dmitri Young did a little something called “hitting a great big homerun”.
Brandon Inge would’ve had a homerun too, but Torii Hunter went up and stole it away. I’ll give the Twins a little credit for that. That was pretty good. Still not as good as ME, but not bad. After Torii caught it Inge stayed on the field and when Hunter was jogging back to his dugout Inge flipped his batting helmet off. We call that ‘tipping your cap’ and it’s a sign of respect, like Inge respected Hunter’s catch. He did that because he’s a Detroit Tiger, and we Detroit Tigers are a classy bunch, no matter what Paul Quantrill may say. He’s just jealous. Because we’re so good.
Now, reader, do you have a 9-4 record? Did you coast through the beginning of the game, pitch solidly enough to escape damage in the middle, and then come back and totally be a dominating force on the mound for the last couple of innings? Did you make Justin Morneau’s big ugly mug crumple up and burst into tears because he just couldn’t catch a break? Well?
I hope that cockiness has been purged from your system, reader. I hope that you’ve gained a humble appreciation for how totally awesome I am. If not, I’ll just have to chuck a 96 mph fastball at your head. Because, as Dmitri will tell you, you don’t disrespect the Tigers. And also, because I am Jeremy Bonderman.
And I am better than you.