Attention Tigers: You are officially allowed to score runs sometimes.

From: PizzaPizza@detroittigers.com

To: D_to_the_ombrowski@detroittigers.com

Subject: whoops my bad

dave i just remembered… did we tell them they could hit sometimes??? i think we 4got. maybe sum1 should tell them they can hit the ball and it’s ok to do that. ok. make it so. lol.

~*~mike~*~

From: D_to_the_ombrowski@detroittigers.com

To: TheTramTrain@detroittigers.com, BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com, KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com, Paws@detroittigers.com

Subject: IMPORTANT: Make sure this info reaches all players

It has come to my attention that the ballplayers may or may not have actually been informed that they are sometimes allowed to make contact with the baseball and put it into play. I realize that this may seem intuitive, but judging from recent performance on the field Mr. Illitch and I have decided that perhaps it is not. It should be made clear to all players that they are allowed to hit the ball. As a matter of fact, hits are to be actively encouraged. I can only assume that we somehow neglected to emphasize this important point in our dealings with the players to date. Please make certain that this new policy (of allowing and encouraging hits) is made abundantly clear to all personnel.

Dave Dombrowski

From: TheTramTrain@detroittigers.com

To: GROUP: all_position_players@detroittigers.com, CC: KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com, BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com, Paws@detroittigers.com

Subject: OK listen up guys

Apparently noone told you people it’s OK to hit. So lissen up. It’s OK to hit. To hit the ball I mean, not each other, or stuff in the dugout. Hit the ball. On the field. During games. Don’t be afraid to do it, you’re allowed. Actually we got word from On High that hitting the ball is “to be actively encouraged”, which means that not only are you guys allowed to hit the ball, we’re actually gonna be giving out M&Ms in the dugout to all players who get a hit. Get a single, get 2 M&Ms. Double, 4. Triple, 6. Homerun, 10. Grandslam, you get a whole fistful of M&Ms.

I hope this gets the message across. I look forward to getting a lot of bags of M&Ms and seeing them go really quickly.

–Tram

From: KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com

To: GROUP: all_position_players@detroittigers.com, CC: TheTramTrain@detroittigers.com, BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com, Paws@detroittigers.com

Subject: LISTEN UP

OK YOU ASSHOLES YOU ALL READ TRAM’S EMAIL. NOW HERE’S WHAT I GOT TO SAY. HIT THE BALL. HIT THE F-IN’ BALL. YOU DO THAT AND YOU WON’T HAVE TO FACE THE GIBBY. YOU DON’T HIT THE BALL AND YOU’LL HAVE TO FACE THE GIBBY. AND THE GIBBY WILL BE PISSED. AND WHEN THE GIBBY IS PISSED, BETTER MEN THAN YOU SISSIES HAVE LOST LIMBS, EYEBALLS, AND GENITALIA.

CONSIDER THIS A WARNING FROM YOUR FRIENDLY NEW HITTING COACH.

From: DaMeatTree@detroittigers.com

To: GROUP: all_position_players@detroittigers.com, TheTramTrain@detroittigers.com, BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com, KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com, Paws@detroittigers.com

Subject: Woah Wait Since When

Woah woah woah we’re allowed to get hits???? Since when????? Noone told me!!!! I thought we were just supposed to go up there and swing!!!!! I ain’t never heard nuthin bout no hittins!!

Also 2 M&Ms ain’t hardly a bite. Seems like we should get more M&Ms if it’s gonna make this hittin stuff worthwhile. I’m just sayin.

-Dmitri

Why don’t you come over here and loosen my ‘do rag, asshole??!

From: nooknotnuke@detroittigers.com

To: GROUP: all_position_players@detroittigers.com, TheTramTrain@detroittigers.com, BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com, KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com, Paws@detroittigers.com

Subject: seconded

yea nobody told me bout no hittin either also i second dmitri we need more mnms, 2 wont get anythin done i eat like 50 mnms before bed every nite. but srsly we can hit? i dunno y for some reason i totally thought if we hit we were gonna get sent down or somethin. shoulda told us this earlier!!

From: BigRed@detroittigers.com

To: GROUP: all_position_players@detroittigers.com, TheTramTrain@detroittigers.com, BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com, KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com, Paws@detroittigers.com

Subject: You guys didn’t know?

Wow, really? I guess I just assumed we were s’pposed to hit… I don’t think anyone ever told me, it just seemed kinda like a good idea. I dunno, maybe someone in Toledo told me? Anyways so I guess I should keep on like I been doing, right? I mean, that’s OK, right? Coach Gibson please don’t hurt me I promise I’ll keep hitting also I like all my genitalia just as they are. Oh and also I vote for more M & Ms.

Chris S.

From: KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com

To: GROUP: all_position_players@detroittigers.com, TheTramTrain@detroittigers.com, BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com, Paws@detroittigers.com

Subject: YOU PANSIES

IN MY DAY YOU DIDN’T GET CANDY FOR GETTIN’ A HIT. IN MY DAY IF YOU GOT A HIT YOU CONSIDERED YOURSELF LUCKY CAUSE YOU WOULDN’T GET PINETAR RUBBED INTO THE OPEN SORES ON YOUR HANDS THAT YOU HAD FROM HITTIN’ THE BALL SO F-IN’ MUCH. YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF LILY-LIVERED PANSIES!

From: TheTramTrain@detroittigerrs.com

To: GROUP: all_position_players@detroittigers.com, BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com, KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com, Paws@detroittigers.com

Subject: Change in hitting policy

OK due to popular demand the number of M&Ms awarded per hit has been tripled. 6 for a single, 12 for a double, etc. Coach Fields has also informed me that you guys might not also know that it’s OK to take a walk if you don’t get anything to swing at. Walking is also actively encouraged, but only walking in the context of getting 4 balls, not walking like when you’re fielding a pop fly or when you’re trying to outrun a throw to second base. I hope that clears everything up for you guys.

–Tram

From: BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com

To: GROUP: all_position_players@detroittigers.com, TheTramTrain@detroittigers.com, KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com, Paws@detroittigers.com

Subject: 4 the record

I just wanted to tell u guys 4 the record that Gibby isnt kidding. When he gets mad the extremeties start flying. If that plus candy doesnt motivate you 2 start hitting/taking walks I dont really know what will.

Bruce Fields: bench coach

From: MAgGliO@detroittigers.com

To: GROUP: all_position_players@detroittigers.com, TheTramTrain@detroittigers.com, BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com, KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com, Paws@detroittigers.com

Subject: oh k

i will tri hard to make the bat to hit th ball o ow ow ow my inner parts are hurty i thnk i herniated my hernia from sitting in this chair

btw not my knee no injry clause rite?

From: IWearMySocksUp@detroittigers.com

To: GROUP: all_position_players@detroittigers.com, TheTramTrain@detroittigers.com, BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com, KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com, Paws@detroittigers.com

Subject: suggestion

Can we change the M&Ms to pieces of gum? I… I really like gum. I think we should use gum. Then everyone would be sure to hit.

(and I kinda knew we were supposed to but I don’t think anyone told me so I totally get how there was confusion!)

–Brandon Inge

From: Paws@detroittigers.com

To: GROUP: all_position_players@detroittigers.com, TheTramTrain@detroittigers.com, BruceberryFields4ever@detroittigers.com, KIRKGIBSON@detroittigers.com, D_to_the_ombrowski@detroittigers.com, PizzaPizza@detroittigers.com

Subject: OMG yay!

lol lol LOL u guyz look whut i found!!1!

travis hafner looks really funny!! do u guyz think thats really him???? OMG LOL!!

ps i think i shuld get m&ms when we get hitz 2!!

PAWS

5 responses to “Attention Tigers: You are officially allowed to score runs sometimes.

  1. I *heart* you. Thanks for brightening up an otherwise dismally depressing losing streak. We’re do for a run of good stuff though, right? RIGHT?

  2. Man, I couldn’t post a comment last night! Anyway, I’ll do it now.
    1. Would more M&Ms for DaMeat mean he’d stop swinging for the fences on every pitch, even when just a ground ball would get a run in? DaMeat, if you got M&Ms based on batting average and RBIs… well, uh, you wouldn’t eat many M&Ms. (ZING!)
    2. Who knew Gibby referred to himself as ‘The Gibby’? I wonder if that started when Tram made him hitting coach? Trauma sometimes makes people refer to themselves in third person.
    3. I had no idea Travis Hafner was Popeye. Someone steal that dude’s spinach. And could one of the Tigers pitchers PLEASE be Brutus (or Bluto) for the rest of the series?

  3. Kristina, glad I could help. That’s what we’re here for. :)
    Ian, 1- yes, M&Ms are clearly the solution to everything here. 2- in my mind, this is the way it has always been and 3- I really have nothing to say to that.

  4. //Also 2 M&Ms isn

  5. Pingback: 10-11-11--DETROIT VS TEXAS RANGERS--8:05 PM (Game 3 ALCS) - Page 23

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