Behold! a completely blasphemous tale (your momma told you to beware them internets)

Once upon a time, many many years ago (but not as many as those damn SCIENCE TYPES would have you think), the great Creator of all looked down upon the land, and saw that it was empty. And (s)He wished to fill it with things of splendor and wonder, and (s)He wished to put upon the land a guardian to watch over it all.

The great Creator made all the things in the world, all the plants and animals and deadly flesh-eating bacteria and dung beetles and XM radio and cheeses. But these things ran wild, or went untended, or remained sadly unconsumed (the cheeses), and it was not right.

The great Creator decided to make such a guardian as (s)He had already contemplated and to make it in form and function perfect, a copy of the Creator’s own image, truly a guardian without fault or blemish in appearance or performance.

And the great Creator took clay from the ground, and the great Creator shaped that clay in mysterious ways, and breathed life into it.

And behold!

From the clay was formed a Man, and that Man was Chris Shelton.

And the great Creator looked upon His/Her works, and thought unto Him/Herself, “O criminy, I screwed that one up big time.”

For the Man was indeed perfect in function, hitting home runs that made the pitchers in Heaven sob pine tar tears, and legging out triples and just plain old getting on base in such a regular way that it was a marvel to behold. But when it came to form… well…

So the great Creator took some damn sculpture classes, which (s)He should have done in the first place, because ART IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS PEOPLE JEEZ SOME OF US GO TO COLLEGE FOR THIS STUFF. And the great Creator studied classical standards of beauty and don’t ask me how that existed already because I’m sure it’s ineffable.

The great Creator decided to make for the Man a Friend, a companion Man that would be his BFF and together they could better tend to the new land and all those within it.

And the great Creator took some more clay from the ground, and the great Creator shaped that clay in mysterious (but this time much more careful and deliberate) ways, and breathed life into it.

And behold!

From the clay was formed a Friend and a Man, and that new being was Brandon Inge.

And the great Creator looked upon His/Her new works, and thought unto Him/Herself, “Well, at least I got the pretty part down.”

For the Friend was indeed a much easier sight than the first, but in function less than perfect, hitting home runs of towering height on occasion, but not really all that regularly.

Thus the two Men were in many ways opposite, and they did become BFF and lo! they did tend to the world, tilling the land and making baseball diamonds, chasing the wildlife and laughing at it, listening to the XM radio, partaking of the cheeses. And they did go golfing together, and they did run over things with the golf cart, because they were unto a small mobile vehicle as gasoline had been ordained to be unto fire.

It’s all true, you know. I saw it on a scroll.

6 responses to “Behold! a completely blasphemous tale (your momma told you to beware them internets)

  1. You are perfection. :)

  2. Didn’t Wonder Woman have the same origin, made out of clay by the gods? And look how she turned out – all Amazonian super-heroine and stuff.
    So if Shelton starts rolling up to the CoPa in an invisible jet and trips up basestealer with a magic lasso, we’ll know why.
    Oooh, suddenly I’m thinking of Lynda Carter! Gotta go!

  3. If Shelton starts showing up off the field in a Wonder Woman getup, then we’ve got to start worrying. A great deal.

  4. Sam, I cherish these. Absolutely cherish.
    I did notice on the mlb.com highlight of Shelton’s dinger in the 1-0 game that Rod Allen (I think it was him, anyways) described Byrd’s pitch as “he tried to sneak a piece of cheese past him”…. I immediately thought of your AROUS nickname. You can’t sneak a piece of cheese past an AROUS, not bloody likely.

  5. AROUS>cheese
    100% of fact.

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