I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, but the other night Jim Leyland had a magnificent, though sadly brief, tirade. If by some strange chance you have not yet heard it, mlive.com has the audio up and I highly recommend it.
I might be hearing incorrectly, especially since I’ve got the cold from Hades right now and can’t really hear much of anything, period, but I believe he at one point says, in an attempt to describe exactly how lackluster the team had looked, “…the whole ball of wax was lackluster.”
The whole ball of wax! Was lackluster! I barely even know where to start with this. Wax is generally dull in appearance, yes, but it is just such a wholly unexpected metaphor that I’m afraid I’m just going to have to lie down for a little bit and digest its majesty.
The whole ball of wax!
The whole! Ball of wax!
Is he talking about the movie?? Does he want to turn everyone in the clubhouse against each other by promising them what they most want, just like in this movie I had totally never heard of before doing a google image search for ‘wax ball’?
Here’s what you would have to promise Tigers players to be able to pit them against each other:
Placido Polanco: a hat that is big enough
Carlos Guillen: a knee made out of robot parts
Kenny Rogers: the still-beating heart of that damn cameraman
Mike Maroth: the Rapture
Fernando Rodney: a pair of platform shoes
Omar Infante: some hot young ladiez
Craig Monroe: a belt
Brandon Inge: some real street cred
Magglio Ordonez: ten free slaps to the backside of Ozzie Guillen’s head
Nate Robertson: pitching goggles that somehow do not look overwhelmingly dorky
Chris Shelton: a chin
Pudge Rodriguez: the good old days
Jeremy Bonderman: a personality
Anyways, the rest of the rant is just Leyland saying we stunk, we stunk, we acted like we brought our luggage (for the upcoming road trip) to the ballpark and we didn’t care if we won or lost and everything was lackluster and by golly we stunk and I quit the Rockies for a reason, people! Don’t make me think I’m back in Colorado, I didn’t come out of retirement for this sort of tsuris! If I wanted to be dealing with Byung Hyun Kim I would go out and get us a Byung Hyun Kim!
This was all following a 10-2 beat-down at the hands of the Racist Logos, the sort of game where you could see all the blood slowly draining from Nate’s body and pooling on the mound underneath him. The game before that Mike Maroth, sore elbow and all, had once again proven his Extraordinary Mental Makeup and pitched his way to a 1-0 victory. Tonight, we lost 4-3 when Verlander was good, but not quite good enough.
The moral of the story is that I don’t know what the heck to make of our pitching right now and Jim Leyland gets really mad when the Tigs mail it in and also I’m sick and really need to start sleeping normal hours again.