top of the first, check your jaw at the gates

Seriously, what the heck was that? I like a little drama early in the game, to pull you in, see, but that was flat-out ridiculous.

Granderson has himself a nice big hit to lead off, then the next guy up is Craig Monroe, and he booms one out, causing Rod Allen to bark, “Mo’money! Mo’money! Mo’money!” like some deranged kind of gangster spaniel.

The next two batters get on base in quick succession, causing Rod to gleefully yell, “They’re beatin’ on him [Buehrle] like he stole somethin’!” Oh Rod, no, that was Craig, actually. How quickly we forget.

Buerhle throws a bunch of junky curveball-like disasters to Carlos Guillen, who fouls them off one after the other. Finally Carlos gets one he can put some solid bat on, and he lines it sharply… to Crede. Who snags it out of midair, throws to second to Iguchi, who steps on the bag to make an out of Thames (who had been running on the pitch and didn’t have time to go back and tag up properly) and to tag Magglio on his chest as he comes running up.

Count those outs. Snag in midair, one. Stomp on second, two. Tag on Maggs, three.

Yeah. Triple play. The first one the Tigers had hit into, I think, since our old buddy Bobby Higginson hit into one back in the balmy days of 1996.

I was sitting there with my jaw unhinged just all entirely, “Whuh? Did I just see a triple play? Was that just a triple play? Whuh? Whuh??” And of course because it was an inning-ending play we didn’t even get to savor it, it just happened and then we were left staring in gape-mawed awe at some incongruous ad with hearty people frolicking healthily in the mountains and basically doing exactly the opposite of what I, as a college student, usually see people do when they’re drinking that much beer.

Nice, big, encouraging hit to lead it off. Then a two-run homer. Then a couple other enterprising baserunners. Then a triple freakin’ play. Then my head exploded. What the bloody codswalloping flibberts was THAT? That was all ONE INNING? That was all the top of the first inning? Was that an honest-to-gosh real baseball game?

That, folks, is why we play the games out instead of just running the numbers, seeing who’s most likely to win, and declaring it so. I actually know several people who tell me that they like looking at the box scores in the paper in the morning and following the teams and all that, but they can’t sit down and watch a baseball game actually being played, because it’s too boring. These people are clearly insane.

Rod Allen had some of his usual love for Jim Leyland going on tonight, calling him “a beauty,” and immediately thereafter making a noise that can only be described as a giggle. This was because Leyland had one of his pants pockets turned out, like Magglio and Carlos prefer to wear them. In Rod Allenland, this means that Leyland is The Most Awesometastical Manager to Ever Awesomely Manage.

He also, as usual, expressed almost disturbing joy over the fact that Leyland wears cleats instead of, cats forbid, mere sneakers. This apparently Sets a Good Example and Amuses and Fires Up the Team and Makes Jim Leyland a Managing Genius.

Rod voiced his admiration for this amazing managerial feat of Leyland’s by saying, “The man is 61 years old, so you know he got some corns and bunions on those puppies.” An image I never wanted in my mind, really, plus a classic Rodism (referring to feet as juvenile canines). Gold.

Not to be outdone, Mario Impemba made a snide comment about how Neifi Perez was “out of breath coming back into the infield.” This was either a comment on Neifi!!!’s conditioning or a comment on the size of the Thome shift. Since I cannot imagine anyone disparaging the perfect physical specimen that is Neifi Perez, I can only assume Mario was joking about the shift.

How much does Magglio love/hate Chicago? Obviously he loves the ballpark and has a lot of fun hitting there, but he’s clearly working out some aggression there at the plate. All the better for us. Hey Maggs, I heard that Ozzie Guillen was telling his entire coaching staff that he thinks “Maggliana” is a stupid name for a little girl. You gonna take that, Maggs? Damn right you’re not. Get out there and show ’em how it’s done, slugger.

As for Polanco, I know everyone and their hamster has been talking about it. He was frustrated. It was stupid of him to make a statement like that, saying he wasn’t coming back this year. No matter how frustrated he was at his situation he should never have said anything like that. Then the team has to contradict him and it makes the team look bad. Pretty unprofessional. I know the media scrutiny can be tough… but c’mon now, Plonkers, this isn’t Boston or New York. Imagine yourself as Alex Rodriguez. See how good you have it? Now take off the patented ARod purple lipstick and stop being a grumpy fuzzball.

3 responses to “top of the first, check your jaw at the gates

  1. Gosh, talk about a grouch. Did you enjoy the game at all? I sure did. You know, not everyone that watches baseball is a Generation X’er. Some of us love to hear Rod’s “insider” clubhouse info.
    Go Tigers!!!

  2. Please, please, please win tonight.

  3. Possibly it wasn’t clear; I love Rod Allen and his Rodisms. I also enjoyed this game a great deal. That’s why I said the people who can’t watch baseball games are crazy. It was exciting and insane and so on. I also don’t think I’m a Gen X’er… I think I’m whatever came after Gen X, actually.

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