Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. Bufo marinus, Bobby Jenks. It’s a SCIENTIFIC FACT and I will scientifically and not in the least bit bitterly prove it. Behold a presentation by the zoological corner of the Roar of the Tigers brain.
Why Bobby Jenks is a cane toad:
– The cane toad, or Bufo marinus, has many names. It is also known as the marine toad, giant toad, and bufo toad. Bobby Jenks (Homo sapiens) likewise has many names… Robert Scott Jenks, the Fat Kid (to Ozzie Guillen), giant pitcher, and bufo jenks.
– The cane toad is brown to grayish brown with a creamy yellow belly. Bobby Jenks has a brownish pelt and, while I hesitate to use the phrase “creamy yellow belly” in reference to him because it might make me vomit a tiny bit inside my mouth, he’s certainly large and pale enough to make the disturbing image a likely possibility.
– The cane toad, when not in its native wetlands, is found mainly in “disturbed areas”, such as in urban spots, around buildings, in waste lots, and so on. Bobby Jenks, when not in the moist confines of his own home, is found mostly in US Cellular Park, which I have been to, and in my expert opinion definitely qualifies as a “disturbed area”.
– The cane toad eats “insects, vegetation, small birds, mammals, snakes, table scraps, and pet food”. Bobby Jenks, judging from his physique, has a remarkably similar diet.
– The cane toad is “most noticeable in the spring in the wet season”. Bobby Jenks is only just getting to Spring Training in the spring in the wet season. His weight therefore should be at its peak right then, after a hard winter of sitting around eating Cheetos, so it is fair to say that he would be “most noticeable” at that time.
– The cane toad starts calling for mates in late March, and its breeding call sounds like “a tractor in the distance”. In late March Bobby Jenks is emerging from his winter semi-hibernation and calling out to the Spring Training ladies in order to warm himself up for the season. I have not had the pleasure of hearing his breeding call, but “a tractor in the distance” does not seem unreasonable. The cane toad’s breeding season is from April to September. Bobby Jenks calls this “the regular season”, or alternatively, “prime groupie season”.
– A pictorial comparison. The similarities will be clear to you.
– Now this is fascinating. “Males [cane toads] are able to reproduce as both sexes because they possess a rudimentary ovary that becomes operative if their testes are removed or damaged.” Bobby Jenks, hermaphrodite? We wouldn’t be surprised.
– The cane toad secretes a toxin from its skin that can be deadly to small animals and is a powerful irritant to humans. Bobby Jenks secretes a fastball that can be deadly if it strikes small animals and is a powerful irritant to all humans who are not the White Sox.
– The cane toad toxin is mostly made of cardioactive poisons. Anyone who has ever watched Bobby Jenks pitch inside to their team will agree that his fastball is most assuredly a cardioactive poison.
– The cane toad is an introduced species that has uses in its natural environment, such as keeping the cane beetle (a pest on cane sugar crop plants) in check. But it runs rampant when taken out of its natural environment and becomes a pest itself that forces out native competition and eats like a beast. Bobby Jenks has his uses, such as keeping the Twins (a pest on the AL Central) in check, but taken out of this context he becomes a pest himself, beating up on the Tigers and eating like a beast.
– The cane toad is best killed by putting it in a plastic container, putting the container in the freezer for 3 days, and then burying the dead body. Bobby Jenks may be disposed of in much the same manner.
Convicing data, isn’t it?
Toad information mostly ganked from the University of Florida Bufo marinus info page, and some info gotten from the University of Michigan’s Animal Diversity Web page.