the impenetrable Royal wall

What. The. Kittencakes.

This is NOT how I really wanted to head into the playoffs. I wanted to head in with our claws out and fangs gleaming, not… whatever the bugger this is! Not LOSING TO THE ROYALS. I mean, no offense to the Royals, but yes, yes offense to the Royals, they are TERRIBLE. They are a TERRIBLE TEAM that has consistently played TERRIBLE BASEBALL this season.

And you would think, you would ASSUME that the Tigers would be playing REALLY HARD right now. Guys, do you NOT want a division title? Right now the only reason you are still in the running for that title is because the Twins have been having a little mini-slump of their own, and Ozzie Guillen is being his usual crazy Ozzie self and helping us out in the name of Chicagoan Dignity or something. I didn’t see their game today but I did keep tabs on them yesterday, and freakin’ heck if the Cane Toad didn’t throw every stinking ball he had into the dirt. Even his strikeouts were when Pierzynski captured a pitch just as it was kicking up dust and tagged out the batter. I don’t know why he was left in there; they’re very very lucky he eventually got himself out of the jam. Lucky, just like the Tigers are to still have a chance tomorrow.

Do you even get a banner if you win the Wild Card? I don’t even know. And if you do, I bet it’s a CRUDDY banner compared to the Division Title one. DON’T YOU GUYS WANT A NICE BANNER? WHY DON’T YOU PLAY LIKE YOU DO?

Zach Miner is not ready to be starting again after being in the bullpen for so long. Although actually, he didn’t even get through enough of the game today to call it a satisfactory bullpen outing. A third of an inning. ONE OUT. Ambiorix Burgos went 2.2, and he is AMBIORIX BURGOS. D’you hear that, Miner? HIS NAME IS AMBIORIX (his middle name is Wayne, hee hee), he has a 5.52 ERA, he is basically MY AGE, and compared to you, he can call 4 runs over 2.2 innings a RELATIVELY GOOD START.

Another thing I noticed, on Matt Stairs’ second double, whenever the dickens that was, where he hustled really, really hard to get into second. I want you to imagine a small mammal. Something along the lines of a groundhog or a gopher. One of those little rolypoly deals with the short little legs and little stump for a tail and a big round rump and short fur. You know what I’m talkin’ about.

You flush this little guy out of the undergrowth, and he runs away, scared. But because he’s got these fat little short legs and this fat little round body, he doesn’t run so much as he bobbles along, little legs pumping away like mad, fat rear swinging side to side. I mean you can tell the poor thing is laboring and running flat-out, it’s so terrified, so you feel kinda bad, but at the same time you have to laugh because it’s just too freakin’ hysterical.

That is exactly, EXACTLY what it was like watching Matt Stairs hustle up to second base. For a moment there he looked EXACTLY like one of those creatures, so much so that I had to blink to make sure I was still watching baseball. It was UNCANNY.

It was nice to see Walker bounce back from last night’s homerfest, it was nice to see how excited Grilli got (at least SOMEONE seems to be excited about playing hard for a pennant), and it was nice to see Chad Durbin pitch well.

I’d also like to point out something that was brought to my attention via email, just so that we can end on a relative high note.

Apparently Kyle Farnsworth has taken to wearing glasses.

My thoughts upon this development are probably unsuitable for many of the male readers of this here blog, and they are probably evident to the female/thus-inclined readers. So I will not say anything beyond the fact that it is too bad they have not yet invented an emoticon that properly conveys the essence of a wolf whistle.

edit: Oh, Dugout. You incorrigible boys, you.


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