photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Is THE MAN trying to hold you down? Trying to suppress your creativity and crush your spirit? Is THE MAN, like, totally harshing your vibe? Then you must REBEL, my friends, you must FIGHT BACK and when THE MAN says to stop playing Guitar Hero because your arm is potentially worth many millions of dollars to you and your employer and Guitar Hero might risk it, YOU KEEPING PLAYING THAT GUITAR HERO, MAN, STRUM THAT GUITAR OF YOUTHFUL REBELLION!! WOOO!!!! RAWK ON!!
That’s right. The most ridiculous story of the postseason has made a triumphant return, because, according to the Detroit News, Zumaya won’t stop playing the game (and tons of RESPECT to Tom Gage for his gratuitous use of all caps early in the article. If this was a blog that regularly used the Royal We, we would totally approve. Maybe we’re rubbing off on the respectable public).
For those of you who missed the first part of this saga, Zumaya missed a large chunk of the postseason with weird, undiagnosable forearm soreness that probably got called tendonitis, because every vaguely undiagnosable injury of that sort gets called tendonitis. The trainers weren’t sure what had caused it, because it was unlike pitching injuries that they were used to seeing (side note, why does this always seem to happen to us? Like, Magglio’s bizarre afflictions? Is there something in the water?). One million self gratification jokes later, it came out that Zumaya had been playing this video game, Guitar Hero, and it could have been playing havoc with his arm.
Now, I know next to nothing about this game (my knowledge of video games begins with Gex: Enter the Gecko and ends at the old school Crash Bandicoot), but I know that it involves a guitar instead of a controller, and that the repetitive strumming (?) and presumed enthusiasm with which Zoom strummed could do bad things to his tendons. Remember, kids, Carlos Zambrano nearly blew up his tendony bits frantically IMing back and forth with his brother. Let that be a lesson to us all.
Zoom is currently saying that his arm problems were probably caused by how hard he grips the baseball, not Guitar Hero, and HE’LL BE CAST INTO THE PITS OF SULFUROUS HELL BEFORE HE GIVES UP THAT GAME!! I can understand gripping something too hard causing pain; I’m an illustrator, and on days when I’ve had a little too much caffeine I might find my fingers all crampy from crushing my pen. And Zoom certainly throws hard enough to make it easy for us to believe that he chokes the snot out of the seams when he pitches. BUT.
The issue is no longer whether or not Guitar Hero is indeed the sole source of his arm trouble. The point is that it MIGHT contribute, that the trainers have some inkling that it can do so, that they have TOLD Zoom about this, so he is AWARE of the issue, and he STILL INSISTS ON PLAYING THE BLOODY GAME.
I understand that he enjoys the game but, Zoom? YOU MISSED PART OF THE POSTSEASON LAST YEAR. THE POSTSEASON. THE THING THAT THE TIGERS HADN’T BEEN TO IN A QUADRILLION YEARS AND IT WAS A MAGICAL FACT THAT THEY WERE THERE AT ALL AND YOU MISSED IT. YOU MISSED IT BECAUSE YOUR ARM WAS SORE AND THIS MIGHT, MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH GUITAR HERO.
Guitar Hero is not worth it! Guitar Hero does not love you like you love it, Zoom! It is an UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. Guitar Hero is not worthy of your love!
And if you fancy yourself a revolutionary, Zoom, there are better ways to go about it than this.
(Oh, and nobody give me that “he’s a young guy thus this ridiculous behavior is understandable and excuseable” guff. I am younger than Zumaya, and this is absurdity of a high degree to me. Ugh. Hopefully he’ll get over himself soon and start playing racing games or something like the rest of Major League Baseball.)