photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Freakin’…. bloody… heck. What was that!??!
I am willing to blame the wind. I was outside more than I would have liked today, so I got intimately acquainted with the wind, which was cold and strong and occasionally carried snow on its windy little shoulders. I could definitely see this wind as a factor in the game, blowing balls over the wall and Magglio over onto his keister (I expect he had some difficulty in the field because his voluminous hair was acting as a flag and was whipping his head around).
‘Course, while the wind may have helped a ball over the wall, the wind did not load the bases for Curtis Granderson (Burnett did that). And the wind did not put BJays on the bases so that they could knock each other in and creep up and up and up on the scoreboard until every last one of us was having a cardiac event…. Jason Grilli and FERNANDO FREAKIN’ RODNEY did that.
This is really a continuation of what he did last season. I am not comforted. I am not HAPPY with Mr. Rodney right now. I wanted the end of last year to be a… I don’t know, a tired arm or a fluke or something. Now it’s looking like he just can’t control his pitches for snozberries.
FERNANDO. WE ARE WARNING YOU. Keep up this… this BEHAVIOR and you are going to find yourself locked in a small room with a large number of hamsters. HUNGRY HAMSTERS. Nay, not just hungry… bloody RAVENOUS hamsters. Do you want to know the way it feels when hundreds of tiny teeth rip into your flesh, Fernando? No? I thought not. SHAPE UP, or FACE THE HAMSTERS. Blogger threats= srs bzns.
It was good to see the offense get going, but I really don’t want to be worrying about the relievers right now, especially after what everyone’s been saying about the Wrong Sox ‘pen. I know, I know. It’s early. It’s earrrrrllyyyy. That won’t stop me from chewing my nails down to the quick now every time Fernando even so much as sneezes on the field.
So, yeah. Even though I’ve decided to blame much of this game on the wind, I still do not think it is fair to put us through something that intense this early. We’re not even warmed up yet! Save it for July, guys!