the mystical golden bat by Samara Pearlstein
Once upon a time there was this rumor. It was a strange rumor, but very persistent and wide-spread. It said that in Detroit there were these things called “bats”, and the Tiger-men were once upon a time able to take hold of these alleged “bats” and use them to create things called “hits” and also “runs”. I know, I know. It sounded crazy, right?
But tonight this mythical beast came roaring out of the mist and we saw it! We all saw it with our many collective eyes! There were TWELVE hits and TEN runs and oh my, oh my, it was all so wild and crazy, we could hardly believe it. It was just like seeing the Loch Ness Monster: you feel absolutely certain that it happened, maybe you have recorded evidence of it happening, but you still can’t quite believe it until you see it happen several more times in the future.
Of course this embarrassment of offensive riches comes when the pitcher is Chad Durbin, CHAD FREAKIN’ DURBIN who gives up SIX runs over four innings, and the win goes to Wilfredo “I pitched only one inning but in a timely fashion” Ledezma, and of course Bondo, who pitches ONE OF THE BEST PITCHING OUTINGS YOU OR I WILL EVER SEE, gets nothing at all. We’ve got a perverse crew manning our bats, I’ll tell you that.
Durbin is supposed to be the throwaway pitcher right now. He is SUPPOSED to be the sacrificial sheeplike being. What on earth did he do to deserve this reprieve? It is puzzling and a bit infuriating.
I still can’t get over how well Bondo (and Halladay, to be fair) pitched last night. It was RIDICULOUS how well he/they did. And to get next to zero offensive production on a day like that… galling. Simply galling. I am duly GALLED. Ptah! I spit upon this madness.
I would very much like to say that this game was an awakening for the sleeping tiger that is the offense. The way that they worked AJ Burnett was pleasing to see; even if they didn’t hit HIM painfully hard, they worked him over well enough to get into the Toronto bullpen early, which amounted to the same thing and should almost always be counted as such. For a team like the Tigers to carefully work up a guy’s pitch count, well, that’s somethin’.
I do know that the old “don’t use all your hits in one game” business is complete bunk, but it certainly seems to be true, doesn’t it? I hope we end up with the ‘obvious bunk’ version, and the team just treats tonight’s game like a springboard of bat-related wonderfulness.
Brandon Inge hit another home run also, which makes everything just that tiny bit more sunshiney.