sketch by Samara Pearlstein
I’ll freely admit that I mostly watched the Red Sox/Yankees game tonight, and you know what? I am GLAD. I am glad that I did. Because that game was bloody EPIC and the Tigers game… was NOT, unless by epic you mean EPICALLY DISAPPOINTING.
I am not down with flipping to the game in the 9th inning, seeing two outs on the board and men on and Gary Sheffield up to bat… knowing what kind of a hitter Sheffield is (was???? BETTER NOT be ‘was’, GARY), and seeing Sheffield STRIKE OUT. Man, I know that I’m not really giving him the benefit of the doubt here, that he’s having a slow start to the season or WHATEVER, but I have a short fuse with him because he is GARY FREAKIN’ SHEFFIELD, and I am AS MUCH A RED SOX FAN AS I AM A TIGERS FAN, as you all know, and that means that I am STILL NOT OK WITH ROOTING WHOLEHEARTEDLY FOR HIM. I am not OK with it and he is NOT MAKING THINGS EASIER FOR ME OR FOR HIMSELF.
And to think, when Brandon Inge homered early in the game, I was all HAPPY and THINKING POSITIVE THOUGHTS. After all, it was Chad Durbin pitching. That means we could expect a mediocre outing, which means that, according to recent Tigerish trends, the offense would be going strong. And Brandon Inge! A home run! That is all kinds of good.
Against the freakin’ WRONG SOX. I really do not like the Wrong Sox. I mean, yeah, Ozzie Guillen is a great and hilarious quote machine and Mark Buerhle is a paranoid wreck who can pitch like woah…. but. The effin’ Wrong Sox. I mean, they have AJ Pierzynski on their team, and they love him, which I think tells you something incriminating about the Wrong Sox.
The terrible thing is, the offense WAS on today. Almost everyone got a hit, and if they didn’t get a hit they walked, and if they didn’t get a hit or a walk, they were Marcus Thames. So I know I’m being unfair and irrational when I get all angry at Sheffield, but…
Theoretically, I suppose I could be mad at Durbin… I could be mad at Grilli… I could be mad at Bobby The Cane Toad Jenks… I could be mad at the Wrong Sox as a whole. But it is Sheffield who receives the brunt of my ire.
You will note that I have drawn him as a chicken, because that is how I feel about the matter and that is the level of finish (or lack of finish) that I am able to have in a sketch while I am watching baseball and being cranky.
The Red Sox won. The Red Sox beat the Yankees at the last moment and in glorious dramatic fashion. So I know that, deep down, Gary Sheffield is crying inside. And that’s OK with me right now.