photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Who in the universe would have thought that by mid-May there would already be cause to have written three, count ’em, THREE separate Chad Durbin pimp posts? If you thought this was going to happen, raise your hand. Good.
Now put your hand down and go get your tail tanned by the principal, because you are a filthy liar. Nobody could have predicted pimp pitching from Chad Durbin. Heck, most people were only barely aware of who Chad Durbin WAS at the end of the spring.
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with him. I mean, he had that one really bad outing, yeah, but this is his third out of four starts that’s gone ridiculously well (for someone who is Chad Durbin). I’m waiting for that falling sneaker.
Not objecting, mind you. If Chad Durbin wants to keep pimpin’ above his usual pre-pimp (un-pimp?) levels, it’s just better (and more hilarious– CHAD FREAKIN’ DURBIN, YOU GUYS) for the rest of us.
It’s getting to the point where it’s unsafe for his hos to even question his massive pimpitude. Behold the following (imaginary, but POSSIBLE, totally) conversation between pimp Chad Durbin and his ho Justin Morneau.
Justin Morneau: You ain’t no pimp.
Chad Durbin: Scuse me? You did NOT just question the pimptacular pitchin’ of Chad Durbin.
Justin Morneau: You did NOT just refer to yourself in the third person. Oh nuh uh, ain’t no kinda pimp.
Chad Durbin: Ho, go earn me some Benjamins… by STRIKING OUT.
Justin Morneau: I don’t need you! I wanna keep the money I earn! I’m gonna go out and work on my own!
Chad Durbin: You just a ho. You think you can make it on the streets of Minnesota but baby, truth is, you need a big strong Chad Durbin to protect you. You deny the protection of the pimp, the pimp gonna see to it that you get BUSTED.
Justin Morneau: *flounces away defiantly*
*Shortly thereafter, Brandon Inge hits a line drive to Nick Punto at third. Punto throws to Morneau at first. The ball skips in the dirt before Morneau can field it cleanly. Morneau fields the ball… WITH HIS NOSE.*
Justin Morneau: aahhhhhhAAAAHHHHHHaaaaahhhhh!
Chad Durbin: Pimp done warned you. I gots people, they do what I say.
Justin Morneau: Ahhhhh oh god the agony my faaaaaaaace
Chad Durbin: Respect to the mighty pimp hand, ho.
Let that be a lesson to you all.