taking some bats to the Nats

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Apologies to Chad Durbin, but no pimp hat today. I mean, 5 hits, 1 run, 5 Ks and 0 walks over 6 innings is pretty… bloody… pimp, but Chad Durbin was the only member of the starting lineup today without a hit. If he had managed a hit he would be declared the UBER-PIMP, but alas, instead he merely had a good outing.

Poor guy. That was probably his one and only chance at bat-wielding glory… and if EVER there was an accommodating opposing pitching staff, this would have been the day. They collectively gave up 17 hits and 15 runs, while issuing 6 walks on the side. The average ERA of their pitchers used today is 5.94 (it’s 7.02 if you leave off Billy Traber’s very lonely-looking 1.59 ERA). The average ERA of the Tigers pitchers used today? 3.05 (to be fair, if you leave off Eulogio De La Cruz’ 0.00 ERA, it’s 4.58). I mean, just look at that! And we think that WE have pitching/bullpen problems…

Still, today was definitely a day to look at the bats. O Tigers lineup, how I do love thee! THE HITS. LET ME SHOW YOU THEM. With specific love for each wonderful special snowflake of a batter thrown in, because it was THAT good a game.

Curtis Granderson
2-for-6, 2 runs scored, a double. Winning smile, loved by the ladies, smart enough to let his publicist run his Myspace instead of posting photos of himself getting trashed at porch parties, unlike SOME Tigers minor leaguers I can think of.

Placido Polanco
2-for-5, 2 runs scored, 1 RBI, a walk. Enormous head, perfect size for wearing snoods in cold weather.

Gary Sheffield
2-for-3, 3 runs scored, 2 walks. In my mind he is Paws, the loveable fuzzy mascot. In this way I enjoy his at-bats while not having to think about the whirlwind of abrasive crazy that is his mind/personality.

The River Thames
1-for-1, 1 run scored, 2 RBI, a home run. Who just pops into a game as a pinch hitter and says to himself, “Ho hum, I think I’ll hit a two-run homer,”? Only The River.

Magglio Ordonez
3-for-3, 3 runs scored, 2 RBI, a double. Possibly the only man in MLB who can pull off long curly hair without looking like an escapee from Shakespeare theater summer camp.

Craig Monroe
0-for-3. He pinch hit for Maggs in the 6th. How did he manage to not get any hits or walks with the garbage the Nats were throwing out there? Only Craig Monroe knows. Um…. I’m sure he made a fan smile today. There we go. Yayyyy kittens and sunshine.

Carlos Guillen
1-for-3, 1 run scored, 2 RBI. My All Star votes for him are tiny ineffective drops in the vast ocean of salty Jeterwank that infests New York this time of year, but I throw them in nonetheless because he is a marvelous manbeast of a shortstop. It’s a brave gesture.

Neifi!!! Perez
1-for-2, a walk, a double. Also made an error. Classic sea slug. All he needed to do to complete the look would have been to ground into a double play. (If you have been wondering about the sea slug nickname, it’s because he’s oddly flashy and attention-getting [Gold Glove?? people still giving him jobs???] for something that’s basically just a squishy, shell-less snail.)

Sean Casey
2-for-5, 2 runs scored, 4 RBI, a walk, a double, a home run. Extremely nice game for an extremely nice guy. And it’s beyond excellent to see The Mayor finally go yard (and RFK is no slouch of a park… although the heat might help the balls fly, along with terrible pitching, o’course).

Brandon Inge
2-for-4, 1 run scored, 3 RBI, a walk, a double. Batting average is up to .255…. the road to .300 continues!! We’re going to get there. It will be a wild and wacky ride, but we’ve taken our Dramamine and we’re sticking it out, all for the love of Brandon Inge.

Mike Rabelo
1-for-4, an RBI, a double. Our backup backup catcher is hitting .281. Our backup backup catcher is hitting .281. Our backup BACKUP catcher is HITTING .281!!

And then we have some noncontributing pitchers.

If that litany of offense doesn’t fill you with a slow, mellow joy, then you are not doing this whole ‘fan’ thing properly. I mean, come on now, this was a lineup without Pudge in it, even!

My concern now is that a combination of the hitfest today and Bondo’s start tomorrow (a time when the offense often likes to take a day off) will conspire to silence the bats utterly. Fortunately, the Nats are throwing something called Mike Bacsik (back-sick? is that like vomiting out of your…. yeah, never mind) at us, so the bats really should have no excuse.

(for the record, I feel like I should be fired for that drawing… Audubon would NOT smile upon eagle abuse, I reckon. But it had to be done. Plus it was super quick and [very obviously] super quick to color roughly)


6 responses to “taking some bats to the Nats

  1. Eulogio looks like he has very good stuff. He may be able to help us.

  2. Loved the Back-sick comment… My co-workers are wondering about me (and it’s not like I needed your help in that department)…
    And take heart about the Audubon folks… As Tom Lehrer said in his song “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park”:
    We’ve gained notoriety
    And caused much anxiety
    In the Audubon society
    With our games
    They call it impiety
    And lack of propriety
    And quite a variety
    Of unpleasant names
    That’s also a song I associate with baseball, especially with the reporting of pitchers and catchers, because it opens with “Spring is here, spring is here, life is Skittles, life is beer”.
    I’ll save my real comments re: C-Mo… My disdain for his batsman work should be well-known by now. No need to beat that dead horse.

  3. Eulogio’s minor league teammates were really high on him too… Em says that Mike Hollimon was predicting he’d be called up eventually before the start of the month.
    Jeff, yeah, we’re talkin’ people who take their eagles SERIOUSLY. ‘Course, I do too. But such is the Nats’ mascot, it had to be done.

  4. Well, you can always point out that Mr. Audubon himself was able to produce highly detailed paintings of various kinds of birds… Because he had *killed them and kept their carcasses for the purposes of painting them*. I’m sure they have a prepared answer for this, but still.

  5. Remember when you said the bullpen was all “smoke and mirrors and Wilfredo Ledezma?” Looks like it’s just smoke and mirrors now (unless you count De La Cruz)…Hopefully this McBride guy will help!

  6. Ha ha, yeah, nowadays we just LOOK at the birds, we don’t go about shooting them… also, unlike Mr. Audubon, we can take some awfully nice closeup photos of them in the wild. I don’t think they had cameras capable of that in his day.
    Whitney, yeah… well, that was in one of Ledezma’s up stretches, but still. Sigh.

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