because Gary Sheffield's insanity takes no vacations


photo by Samara Pearlstein

I’m still on vacation, but I needed to post this RIGHT. NOW.

Sheffield also denied using steroids, despite grand jury testimony that he used ‘roid cream on his legs and “The Clear” under his tongue.

“In a million years, I don’t care what anybody says, steroids is something you shoot in your butt,” he said. “I do know that. The bottom line is steroids is something you stick in your butt, period.”
Detroit Free Press article

I’m not even going to get into the fact that he said Derek Jeter isn’t “all the way black,” like that’s some kind of magical talisman against racism. Not EVEN. I’m saving that for a nonvacation proper post. And heck, the entire interview isn’t even going to be aired until Tuesday. But I HAD to get this out there right away.

1. The word “steroids” is plural, Sheff. The only reason you would say “is” after it would be if you had used it in the context I just did.

2. YOU ARE WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. COMPLETELY DEAD WRONG. CAPTAIN OF STATEMENTS WHICH ARE PROVEABLY WRONG. Look, I’ll even cite it.

Some anabolic steroids are taken orally, others are injected intramuscularly, and still others are provided in gels or creams that are rubbed on the skin.
National Institute on Drug Abuse Research Report

I am flailing over here. I am on vacation. I am not in the mindset for replying to this latest bout of insanity. I don’t even need to… there is NOTHING I could say that tops what Sheffield himself has already said.

“The bottom line is steroids is something you stick in your butt, period.”

You guys, if you don’t stick it in your butt, it doesn’t count.

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard THAT used as rationalization by guys denying their own homosexual tendencies…

The jokes are too easy. This one just has to stand on its own.

15 responses to “because Gary Sheffield's insanity takes no vacations

  1. ivantopumpyouup

    You don’t have to make the jokes. My mom already has. Hearing my mom say, “Oh, Bonds stuck something in his butt all right,” is . . . shall I say, jarring. :P

  2. Dave B Wagner

    yeah, I’m not even going to try to rationalize this one

  3. From now on, every time Pudge gets angry, Leyland should just let him choke Pudge.
    I hope Sir-Smash-A-Lot learns how to shut his mouth.
    Also, I have a sixth grade crush on J.J. Putz.

  4. correcting due to modest mouse distraction
    *let him choke Sheff.
    back to the bagel

  5. All I can say about Sheffield..is that he breaks every rule I was ever taught about swinging a bat.. No one…anywhere..that I ever saw swung that hard and connected. Shef not only connects..he turns a baseball into weapon of mass destruction. It’s scary.
    So.. I’m sure he’ll be erratic forever….but I just enjoy the spectacle when he swings the lumber…

  6. Have you seen the commercial where Sheffield’s talking about kids, and then he turns into Paws?
    I thought about you when I saw it.

  7. Ok, the first couple times Sheff opened his mouth my reaction was “He said WHAT?!?!”
    Now it’s more of a “Sheff for the love of God SHUT UP and play” moment.

  8. Dave B Wagner

    But Kenny Lofton agrees with him! KENNY LOFTON!

  9. You’ll note I’ve made no comment about the alleged racist behavior of Joe Torre– because I don’t know. I DO however know that presenting biracial status as exemption from racism is ridiculous, and I most ESPECIALLY know that steroids aren’t just something you stick in your butt. :P So that’s what I’m callin’ him out on for now.
    And, come on, people. GARY SHEFFIELD DENYING STICKING THINGS IN HIS BUTT. THE HILARITY IS SUCH THAT I COULD NOT HAVE EVEN INVENTED IT.
    Adam, I haven’t seen that commercial, but it sounds like THE INTERIOR OF MY MIND.

  10. Samara I’ve never seen the interior of your mind, but it sounds like something that can be purchased for a few dollars under an overpass.
    also, maggs HR.
    i love him, and he looks like slater from sbtb

  11. You know how everyone has that crazy family member that says and does totally wrong things, and sometimes you’re afraid to claim them in public, because you’re not sure exactly what you’re associating your reputation with, but also, you love them because you have to and they are family?
    That’s me and Crazy Ol’ Uncle Sheff.
    What kills me about the interview, which really just lets me know Uncle Sheff is completely off his rocker, is he talks about Jeter not being all the way black (which trust me, is something we do say, unfortunately there is some racism within our own black culture), and then he follows it up with his son who is half-white and also, not “all the way black.” Oh, Sheff.

  12. I spent some time at some Orioles games with an Indians fan this weekend (convenient for us both to root against the White Sox, I must say), and I did stop for a minute to ask him what it was like to root for the way Albert Belle used to hit, just as a little instruction in how to root for the way Sheffield hits without… you know, actually rooting for Sheffield. He dithered around a bit and finally more or less admitted that he never figured it out with Belle, other than that time-honored phrase: “root for the laundry”.

  13. Jeff, you’ve not-so-inadvertently pointed to my own method for dealing with Sheffield. I just pause, take a deep breath, and think to myself at least he’s not Albert Belle. That guy always seemed like a dangerous lunatic, but Sheff’s just a mouthy idiot. Our idiot!

  14. Tiff, I know that particular brand of racism exists… what’s funny is that Sheffield, who HIMSELF cries “racist!” so often, just keeps feeding us more and more examples of how HE is racist. If he really hated racism and all that goes with it so much, maybe he should work at setting a better example.
    Jeff, that’s why, when Sheffield is up to bat, I try to picture Paws up there at the plate. I have no trouble rooting for Paws. And it’s a fun thought exercise.
    Matt, sure, he’s not dangerous… but who knows what he’ll do in a ‘roid rage! Oh wait! He never stuck anything in his butt, so he never did ‘roids! My bad!

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