the Spazzosaurus feasts upon Zach Miner


photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

I know that this will sound kind of crazy, but the worst part of this game, for me, was not when Zach Miner threw away the ball that lost us the series. That was pretty bad. Some might even call it “horrific”. But the worst part of the game for me was immediately after that, as Scott Podsednik blasted around the bases, and the Wrong Sox announcers realized what was happening.

I think the Hawk was responsible here, ‘though it could very well have been the other one. As Tigers fans stared in horror, whichever announcer it was said, in tones of deep satisfaction,

“It’s amazing sometimes what a simple bunt will do.”

The both of them then went on in this vein for a while, but I didn’t get any more quotes about how awesome bunts are and how perfectly the Wrong Sox executed this play, because after that one initial line I was screaming at the TV in a demented rage.

Yes, the Wrong Sox had to put the ball in play in order for that error to happen. Yes, Scott Podsednik’s speed also made this whole thing possible. HOWEVER.

That was an error! An ERROR! On the TIGERS! That was NOT a PERFECTLY EXECUTED WRONG SOX BUNT. It was an ERRRRRRROOOOORRRRRR!!! Zach Miner threw the ball away! It’s amazing what a simple error will do! It’s amazing what can happen when the Spazzosaurus gets his knobbly little teeth into a pitcher! It is maybe amazing what a simple bunt can do, but THIS IS NOT THE SITUATION IN WHICH TO BE AMAZED BY A BUNT, because in THIS situation, the bunt was not the amazing thing!

I don’t understand how it’s possible for these announcers to have watched the same game I did. There’s rooting for the home team, there’s homer-ism, and then there’s ridiculously and willfully ignoring the actual game in order to pretend that the home team has done something it hasn’t. They were CROWING about the PERFECT GLORIOUSNESS of the bunt! Not one mention of luck! Not one mention, even, of the Tigers’ painful recent postseason track record with pitchers and errors! Nothing except for how marvelous and clever the Wrong Sox were, to lay down so archetypal a bunt!

The fact that it’s now many hours later and I’m still stewing over this should give you some idea of how happy I am that by the time the Tigers go back to Chicago, I’ll be back at school, and thus will watch the games on Detroit TV. I don’t think I could handle another go ’round with the Hawk.

*deep breath*

Poor Zach Miner. It’s so obvious what happened. When Podsednik got on base, it freaked Miner out. He knows perfectly well just how fast Pods is, and he knew perfectly well that the game was tied, the series was tied, everything was hanging on HIM. That’s enough to make anyone start to emit some spazz-energy. And, as we all know, the Spazzosaurus feeds off of spazz-energy.

So there was Zach Miner, silently freaking out on the mound, exuding spazz-energy hither and yon… what Spazzosaurus could resist such a feast? You almost can’t even blame the Spazzosaurus; after all, it’s just his nature.

That was that. The Spazzosaurus snuck up unseen, as Spazzosauri do, and started gnawing on Zach Miner. Miner, due to the fact that he was getting eaten by a giant invisible orange saurian, chucked the ball away over everyone’s heads. Scott Podsednik is fast. We lost the game. Justin Verlander shed a quiet little tear.

I know that everyone has losing streaks, and I know that it’s better to have one now than at the very end of the season. But, my goodness, it is BEYOND infuriating to lose two series in a row, both to division rivals, and not even to the BEST division rivals (who are, as we speak, being violated repeatedly by Manny Ramirez, much to my glee). It needs to STOP. We are playing the Angels next. I expect to be feasting gluttonously on lightly grilled rally monkeys by Sunday night.

9 responses to “the Spazzosaurus feasts upon Zach Miner

  1. Oooooh, damn you Spazzosauri… I was having flashbacks to the World Series immedately upon seeing that play. I almost managed to turn my TV off before Podsednik made it to home plate. I’m watching it on FSD even but that sort of ending brought back too many bad memories and I couldn’t watch the post game show… and I always watch the post game show.
    I’m hoping the Spazzosauri are so full that they get stuck in Chicago and don’t manage to follow the Tigers to their Charter flight.
    I’m ready to bust out some BBQ sauce for grilled rally monkey myself.

  2. Yeah, you know, The Hawk exhibits the one thing that maddens me about “the average fan”… And that is the inability — on one end of the spectrum — to just tip your cap and say, damn, that was a good performance by the other team… I don’t know if he was broadcasting for them back in ’84, but I’m sure if he was he would have just chalked up Jack Morris’ no-no against them to bad luck and/or poor plate discipline/bad swings by the White Sox hitters. On the other end of the spectrum are plays and games like yesterday’s. The other team just more or less hands you a game, basically right there on a platter, and you go on and on endlessly about how your team flawlessly executed the key play, never mind that the other team royally f-ed it up in ways that gave your runner 2 free extra bases. Even some of the more intelligent Wrong Sox fans (note for the record that I didn’t say there exist any intelligent Wrong Sox fans, just that among that group, some are more intelligent than others. You know, like the ones with an IQ of around 60 or so) hate The Hawk:
    http://www.heavethehawk.com/
    Gotta love the line: “One First Rate City, One First Rate Douche”

  3. gaaaaah I knew the Spazzasaurus would strike again!! Damn you, Spazzy!
    This game was already infuriating that I’m so glad I watched it on a detroit feed because if I had heard the Hawk I would’ve absolutely LOST IT.
    Can we just fast forward to September? All of these games are much to serious for me to “not mean that much.”

  4. PS I love that Heave the Hawk website, and one page called “DJ Sucks Too”

  5. My brother told me a story that I think fully captures the douche-baggery that is Hawk. He (my brother) used to live in Chicago and one time flipped to the Sox game, which had evidently just come back from something that had interrupted the broadcast. Whatever the interruption was, it had caused them to miss a Sox home run.
    Evidently, Hawk has some trademark call of a home run. What it is escapes me, but I’m sure it’s idiotic. Anyway, because he had missed the actual home run, it was replayed so he could do this trademark call. On a replay. That, my friends, is a douche among douches.

  6. I was at the game and I was pretty much on the El home and shaking my head before Podsednik crossed home. It was obvious sitting in the stands, though I don’t know if it came through on TV or radio, that both teams were trying desperately to give the game to the other team. The Sox won on four (FOUR!) hits, but a ton of walks. The Tigers’ bats were not much more inspired. At least the Tigers have the excuse that Shef and ‘Los were out of the lineup.

  7. The issue, in my book, runs a lot deeper than an “error”… Miner and Grilli have trouble coming into any game and throwing strikes to the first couple of batters they face. Invariably, they are behind in the count..and then have to come in with something “too fat”…and their world (and usually mine) goes to hell then. The game was really lost the inning before when two walks by two relievers facing their first man each..couldn’t get the damn ball over..

  8. Carl
    I think that’s what happens when guys are afraid of making mistakes, and nibble as a result. That’s why I was surprised to see the Tigers send down both De La and Capellan. At least those guys throw hard enough to where they might sneak a fastball by somebody from time to time.

  9. Paul, looks like the Spazzosaurus got on the plane after all. Sigh.
    I think I ran into that Heave the Hawk site last year. It’s so infuriating to watch him for even a few games; I guess I feel terrible for those who have to watch him most of the year. ‘Though I wonder if it’s better if you’re a Wrong Sox fan. And Matt, that story is basically sickening. Ugh. Not only is he a terrible announcer, but he’s so full of himself that he thinks his homerun call is THAT IMPORTANT.
    Yeah, Fritz, I mean, it wasn’t exactly our A-squad out there. Not an excuse, but still.
    Carl, Matt, maybe that’s the reasoning behind all the “Return of Kyle Farnsworth” rumors? Not that he’s exactly Mr. Pinpoint himself, but at least he charges the ball in there…

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