deranged photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Nathan Daniel Robertson– can I call you Nathdan? I’ll call you Nathdan– you need to get some sleep. Or eat your veggies. Something. Because Nathdan, kiddo, you can pitch. Honest! We’ve seen it! In fact, we even saw it during tonight’s game; at least, those of us who managed to remain conscious saw it.
We did not see it in the first inning. In the first inning, we saw you FREAKING THE HELL OUT on the mound. Be honest with yourself, Nathdan, how many Angels came up to bat in that inning? Ten? Twelve? Seventy-five? Infinity plus pi? Nathdan, the ideal number of batters for you to face in an inning is three. You know this. So when you started getting to numbers eight and nine, did you just freak out more? Was that… dare I even say it… Spazzosaurus work? And did the Spazzosaurus nibbles explain the way that inning just got some completely and utterly out of control?
The second inning wasn’t much better, was it, Nathdan? I mean, OK, that’s a lie, it WAS much better, but that’s only because two runs are a lot better than six. That’s still not GOOD. Just better, on a relative sliding scale of baseball awfulness.
What am I saying? You already know this, Nathdan. We know that you know it, because in the postgame interview, you looked almost exactly like someone had just told you the end to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows before you had a chance to finish reading it. We’re talking MOURNFUL, here.
Oh, silly Nathdan. You were pitching against a Weaver! You know what that means! That means mental gidgetry! Breakdowns! Hissy fits! Sobbing! At the very least inexplicable and sudden pitching collapse! Terrible, terrible hair! This is all true across the entire pitching Weaver family board!
You know that this is exactly what happened, because Placido Polanco hit a home run. As has been extensively covered here in the past, we all know that Polanco only hits home runs when the pitcher is having issues. Serious issues. Serious, Weaverian issues. We love Polanco, Nathdan, and we’re sure you do too. But the man is not a home run hitter. Thank cats! We like him hitting in his usual fashion! We have plenty of home run hitters! Fangirls dig the long ball, but smart chicks dig the high on-base percentage! I say this so that you may understand the depth of Weaver’s struggles at that point, Nathdan.
And the offense did make passes at a comeback, at least they tried to do so before Chad Durbin came in and put the game squarely back out of reach. There were good moments. All was not lost. And there were bad moments that you had nothing to do with, like the way the bases were left loaded in our half of the first inning.
But bloody heck, Nathdan, why were you pitching like that? I know you recovered after the first two innings, and recovered quite well, but here is the FACT of it:
You were only left in because we had no bullpen.
If everyone had been working on full rest, Mr. Robertson goes bye-bye halfway through the first inning. But we had just ground through most of the ‘pen in Chicago, so you NEEDED to go as much of the distance as you could, Nathdan. You acknowledged this fact and kept it from getting any worse once the damage had been done, but under normal circumstances, you never would have been allowed to get to that point. So you can’t really blame us if we’re still reeling over your insane first two innings, even though you went on to pitch pretty bloody well for the rest of your outing.
Again, why? Why? You have the fundamentals. The (gag) tools. The awesome pitching glasses. Use them all, Nathdan. This will not be tolerated again.