photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Dear Jordan Tata,
Thank you so much for pitching so well tonight. It really means a lot to us, and by “us” I mean the team, the fans, and everyone who dislikes the Cleveland Racist Logos.
I’m sure you know that things have been pretty cruddy around here lately. Or maybe you didn’t? I don’t know how much news from the “outside world” you get in the wilderness of Toledo. But if you hadn’t heard, things were getting rough for the Tigers. There had been many, many losses, one after the other, and everyone was a mess. Especially the pitchers, both the starting and bullpen varieties.
Depression was beginning to set in. Fans all over Detroit and beyond were fearful, and fear makes fans sad. It also makes them crazy. People began to wildly and irresponsibly speculate about trades that HAD TO BE MADE OMG OR WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE. People began to stalk the movements of Dave Dombrowski. People began to hallucinate and believe that they were seeing large orange dinosaur-like creatures gnawing on the pitchers.
Then Kenny Rogers went and admitted that his elbow was a hot mess, and we all started to feel, if possible, even WORSE.
Ah! But then YOU came along: our ridiculously tall, gloriously sideburned savior. Sure, it’s just one start, and it’s just one game, and last time we won a game and seemed like we were about to crawl up out of the muck, we sank right back into it, but! You are still our hero for the night, because HOLY FREAKIN’ CATS did we need that win.
And of course you, in your very first start at the major league level, getting your very first win! It’s so adorable, we just want to pinch your little tiger cub cheeks. Assuming we can reach that high.
When you got pied in the face after the game by Todd Jones, that was just the sort of thing we needed to see around here to perk our dolorous little souls right back up. Except it wasn’t really a pie so much as it was a towel filled with shaving cream. Which, you know, is obviously a testament to Todd Jones’ ingenuity and improvisational skills, which ALSO makes us feel a lot better about the team.
So thanks again, Jordan Tata. Thanks for calling us all back from the brink, even if it’s only temporary. We really, really, really, REALLY needed that.
Roar of the Tigers