Tigers eaten alive by ferocious fish


photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

….don’t start. I’m well aware that rays are not fish (nor are sharks, from whom Mr. Shields up there got his teeth). But “Tigers eaten alive by ferocious chondrichthians” just doesn’t sound as snappy.

I suppose this is some sort of cosmic punishment for most everyone complaining about that last win. “Ha!” Baseball Fate says. “You think you have any right to say you’re upset because the right pitcher didn’t get the win? You should be thankful for any wins at all! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, KITTIES!”

Chad Durbin didn’t even pitch all THAT poorly. We got victimized by, of all things, a Devil Ray pitcher. I mean, um, possibly all of our relief pitchers except for Miner gave up at least one run. Possibly Macay McBride was painful to watch. But mostly James Shields tore through the Tigers lineup like it was nothing more than a bucket of delicious chum.

The lone run he gave up was to Placido Polanco. Now, we ALL know that when Polanco hits a ball out of the park, it’s a serious mistake on the part of the pitcher. Nothing against Polanco, but he doesn’t have a home run swing or a home run approach (and we love him for it!), so when he does manage to golf one, it’s USUALLY a sign of a gravely weakened opponent. Most unfortunately, this was not the case with Shields, for whom it was just a momentary lapse. Who knows. Maybe he let his guard down and was temporarily dazzled by Polanco’s good looks.

I don’t want to anger the Baseball Fates again. So I’ll be contrite. We’re very, very sorry, Baseball. We didn’t mean to treat winning so lightly. A Tiger win is a precious jewel and although we very much enjoy having a whole lot of them in one giant gleaming pile, we will also treasure and every individual one. No matter whose name is written on it. Honest.

Now we’ve got an afternoon matchup between Bondo and Kazmir. Great matchup on paper. But if Bondo lets the first inning get to him again… well, let’s not even say it and just hope for the best, eh?

7 responses to “Tigers eaten alive by ferocious fish

  1. Grilli did give up a run. Sadly.

  2. Let’s treat Bondo’s first innings like a no-hitter …. no speaking of them until they are over!!

  3. Somebody should be on the lookout to see if Dombrowski, Leyland or Chuck Hernandez are reading here, to see if they’ve got Neifi!! standing alongside the plate in the bullpen as Bondo warms up.
    Shields had a crappy July, but he’s been very good the other 3 months of the year. But why’d he have to turn the corner against us?

  4. bondo he has to be one of the worse mentally prepared pitchers i ever seen. instead of patting them on on his butt as you take the ball , sometimes a good kick would help more. get in the game bondo it starts in the 1st inning. how many walks lucky to get out of it . i just couldnt wait untill the game was over today

  5. ivantopumpyouup

    I think Grilli was the only other reliever not to give up a run. Shocking!

  6. I was at the game today. The Tigers did ok. The Devil Rays had a homer, though. Lots of kids at Comerica today for YMCA/Summer Day Camp day

  7. Rays aren’t fish, Samara!

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