Tigers defeated by evil bloated pinstriped beast


photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

This game made me angry.

I mean, first of all, Roger Clemens is a bad man. A real ottermuncher. I particularly enjoyed Tim McCarver lecturing us for an inning about how his recent disciplining had made him “sensitive” and how this meant he wouldn’t aim at Cameron Maybin even though Maybin is 12 years old and hitting him really well and, in Roger Clemens World, this means that Maybin is being disrespectful to the state religion of Rogerdom.

The reason I so enjoyed this was because the third time Maybin came up to bat (after singling [for his first ever big league hit] and homering [for his first ever big league homer] in his previous two at-bats), Clemens came up and in on him and hit him on the wrist. Sensitive INDEED!

At that moment, I really wished our Detroit seagulls could come to New York and divebomb Clemens. He’s a BABY, Clemens! You are ANCIENT! So the kid can hit you! If you feel you have to throw some chin music to defend your wrinkly old honor, fine, but you don’t BEAN the kid! I mean, what if he’d broken Maybin’s hand? That could have happened WAY too easily in that situation, and I suppose a soulless beast like Clemens wouldn’t care, but he SHOULD.

Admittedly I have a bit of a grudge against Clemens for the same reason that all Sox fans do, but he was not the only thing about that game to make me angry. Let’s take Bobby Abreu’s go-ahead run-scoring home run, shall we? Otherwise known as THE CHEAPEST HOME RUN IT IS POSSIBLE TO HIT. What is it in Yankee Stadium, 310 feet down the line where he hit that thing? I’ve seen high school fields bigger than that. And the ball hit the foul pole, making it even CHEAPER. In Comerica, that’s nowhere NEAR a home run. But it was enough in stupid Yankee Stadium, for stupid Bobby Abreu, and it ruined a really good outing by Chad Durbin, and now I’m just getting sulky.

Bondo better have worked out some of his first inning issues, because I REALLY am not in the mood to lose to the Yankees again.

9 responses to “Tigers defeated by evil bloated pinstriped beast

  1. Today’s photoshop is your weirdest and most wonderful yet.. You’re slightly demented. Good thing!

  2. […] didn’t like Maybin getting hit by a pitch. I wasn’t particularly happy about it myself, because of the […]

  3. Good for Maybin! To get a homer off of arrogant Clemens is real cool!

  4. today they got beaten by 3 kids from the Yankee system though. and honestly, walking Cano? he’s been hot lately but his overall RISP numbers aer still pretty poor. Betemit is a huge HR threat and the first time they IBBed Cano Betemit basically ripped one right at Ordonez. that shoudla already served as a serious warning.. but go there again?

  5. I knew Clemens was going to hit Maybin. He’s a thug and always has been. He had him on the ropes 0-2 and he still decided to hit him. I did enjoy watching the ghetto punk Sheffield getting three hits off the red neck thug though. :-)

  6. Jules, I don’t know about “wonderful”, but “weird” I’ll definitely agree to.
    Edward, that it is.
    RollingWave, it’s just situational baseball. I’m not too fond of it either, but there you are.
    Lee, oh sure, I think most everyone knew he was going to be gunning for Maybin. The hilarious bit was how McCarver insisted that he would do no such thing right before he did it.

  7. ivantopumpyouup

    Tim McCarver is a yammering idiot. And what’s going on with Clemens Beast’s left hand?

  8. What left hand? I see two right hands.

  9. Clemens beast does not hold to your simple laws of anatomy, because he is Roger Clemens, and such limitations are disrespectful to his hideous, bloated person.

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