things for the Tigers to consider


photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

It’s an off-day, and perhaps this would be a good time for the Tigers to reflect on their sins, and how to best correct them.

–BONDO. Someone needs to lock him in a room with a First Inning. Let the two of them fight it out. There is no other way. I know he managed to get out of this latest first inning with only one run, but he also threw 800020332400 pitches and loaded the bases and generally made a huge mess of it for himself.

While we’re at it, perhaps someone could lock Bondo and Walks into a room and let them have it out. Those four pitch walks to hitters who are, well, they ARE Yankees, but they’re relatively MEDIOCRE Yankees? Not fun. Not fun for anyone. They must be ended.

Maybe we should just lock Bondo in a room and have someone slap him around for a while. It wouldn’t do any more harm to his first inning performances than his own pitching has already done.

–The FLU. Seriously. Todd Jones’ report of it makes it sound as though people were just dropping like flies, all ebola-outbreak style. I mentioned this before, and I understand that all these guys are living in sort of close quarters, and traveling together for long periods of time in enclosed spaces and all that… but when the Yankees ban you from using their weight room because you are a BIOHAZARD, it may be time to RETHINK YOUR HYGIENE PRACTICES.

Tissues. USE THEM. And then, when you are done, THROW THEM OUT. Antibacterial hand gel. USE IT. But only the kind that uses alcohol, not the kind that uses actual antibacterial medications, because that stuff will only make the bugs more superimmune. Orange juice. DRINK IT. Sleep. GET PLENTY OF IT. Don’t stay out all night hitting up every groupie in the city and then act all surprised when you’re starting to feel sniffly and run-down! SOAP AND WATER. Use it! To wash your hands! And then dry them with paper towels! Not your pants!

If you’re really that sick, DON’T COME TO THE BALLPARK! I understand that it’s some macho thing to show up and pretend you can play when in reality your entire body wants to be hunched over sacrificing your every meal of the past 3 days to the porcelain lord, but SACRIFICE YOUR NEED TO BE A BIG TOUGH BALLPLAYIN’ MAN and stay at home and KEEP YOUR BIOHAZARDOUS SELF FROM INFECTING THE ENTIRE REST OF THE TEAM.

Holy cats. I wasn’t kidding when I said they’re like kindergarteners. But KINDERGARTENERS wouldn’t be allowed to come to class and infect the rest of their sniveling larval peers.

–The BULLPEN. Ugh. Whatever.

–ERRORS. I hate to do this, I really do, but Brandon Inge? Has not been playing much like his usual self. Sure, he’s been displaying all of his famed range, and he’s made some nice plays, but…. he’s also made errors. The one today was particularly painful, because it directly led to an unearned run that made it sure that Bondo would get the loss. Even though Bondo threw more pitches than there are hydrogen atoms in the sun, he actually ended up with a very comparable outing to that of the Wang, so for him to get hung with the loss (especially when the aforementioned ughbullpen went on to give up more runs) is annoying.

Maybe the new baby is keeping Inge from getting his proper sleep or something of that nature. We should probably try to be forgiving of that. Plus, mightn’t his toe still be broken? Might that not be having an impact? But I don’t think anyone (management included) is inclined to be all that forgiving when Inge’s bat is not making up the difference, and the Tigers are in as dire a divisional situation as they are right now (PS: thank you D-Rays, we love you, just for a little while).

–BABY TIGERS. The baby Tigers, of course, are not a sin that the team needs to reflect upon, but the necessity of their being here before September call-ups might be. Anyways, I’m talking specifically about Cameron Maybin and Jair Jurrjens. Cam, as we’ve seen, can hit at a major league level… Roger Clemens presumably being about as major league as you can get. We’ve seen that he has speed. We’ve seen that he needs a little more work in left field, but hey, hasn’t the kid been playing center pretty much forever? It’s not surprising that he’d need a little time to adjust and it shouldn’t do anything to dent his official status of Awesome.

Jurrjens pitched well his last time out, and will be going again on Tuesday. Matt has a crazily great extensive look at Jurrjen’s last start that you should check out if you like facts and truths and proofs and things. He crunches a lot of fun data and reaches some useful conclusions, but I won’t spoil it for you, as you should go see.

-The RACIST LOGOS. Are in the Central. Are our Team to Beat. Are in town, and must be slaughtered comprehensively. They have a kid named “Asdrubal” on their team. We cannot let them win.

9 responses to “things for the Tigers to consider

  1. you have been back on the East coast since July haven’t you? And coincidence…they haven’t won a series since July….
    Come back to Michigan!!!! Our post season dreams depend on it.

  2. I live in NYC, so I went to the game on Thursday with my lucky blue Tigers hat and my Verlander jersey. They won, then I went again on Sunday and thought maybe the same hat/jersey combo would work… Obviously not…
    Kudos to the Yankee fans sitting next to me on both nights for giving me very little hell for being a Tiger fan in the Bronx… All in good fun…

  3. Just returning from a weekend of baseball in Pittsburgh (where the Pirates took 2 of 3 from the Phillies and I learned that the proper response to a certain type of trumpet blast is “Ch-ARRRRGH-ge!”), I am glad to see Samara back in mid-season form. Among other things:
    “… a very comparable outing to that of the Wang, so for him to get hung…”
    I just have to know… Intentional or dumb luck?

  4. i’m trying to be a bizzaro fan like George Castanza, like maybe something I’m doing is making the team play like crap. What can I do to help? Only listen and not watch? Never miss the first inning, or only tune in on the 7th?

  5. They all are too uptight! Remember last year when when they had fun and played loose as a goose? Someone like Cameron Maybin call Ken Griffey Jr. and ask Ken talk to the team…just have fun.

  6. Oh jeez, Jeff, that was actually unintentional… possibly the only time in my life I didn’t notice the Wang or Rocket or ARod joke, and it asserts itself anyways! Maybe I do it automatically now. And I hope you had fun in Pittsburgh, that’s a NICE ballpark, if nothin’ else.
    tiff, I’ve tried mixing it up (TV, radio, ignoring them), and nothing seems to help. Maybe I need to get back to Michigan? Maybe… yeah, I dunno.
    Larry, the problem is that they’ll play loose when they’re playing well. It’s hard to have fun when you stink.

  7. Well, I’ll be back in Michigan come September 1, so they’ll have a month (hopefully 2!) of local RotT mojo to get them going. If they want to get going before that, though, I surely won’t hold it against them. :)
    Stacey, props for heading into the Bronx so accoutred. Were you sitting in the bleachers, though? If you weren’t, I’d call that more or less normal Yankee fan behavior (they aren’t ALL trolls, after all), but if you were in the bleachers and didn’t get hassled, that’s crazylucky.

  8. They need you back in MI bad, I hope they can hold out until the 1st.
    Nope, didn’t sit in the bleachers, I’m not insane. :)
    Did sit in the upper tier though, which is usually not much better, but the only fight all night was between two Yankee fan women.

  9. That sounds about right, then. When I was there earlier this season I didn’t see anyone get harassed, not even the brave soul in a Sox hat sitting behind me (and it wasn’t a Sox game… t’was against the A’s).

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