photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
It’s an off-day, and perhaps this would be a good time for the Tigers to reflect on their sins, and how to best correct them.
–BONDO. Someone needs to lock him in a room with a First Inning. Let the two of them fight it out. There is no other way. I know he managed to get out of this latest first inning with only one run, but he also threw 800020332400 pitches and loaded the bases and generally made a huge mess of it for himself.
While we’re at it, perhaps someone could lock Bondo and Walks into a room and let them have it out. Those four pitch walks to hitters who are, well, they ARE Yankees, but they’re relatively MEDIOCRE Yankees? Not fun. Not fun for anyone. They must be ended.
Maybe we should just lock Bondo in a room and have someone slap him around for a while. It wouldn’t do any more harm to his first inning performances than his own pitching has already done.
–The FLU. Seriously. Todd Jones’ report of it makes it sound as though people were just dropping like flies, all ebola-outbreak style. I mentioned this before, and I understand that all these guys are living in sort of close quarters, and traveling together for long periods of time in enclosed spaces and all that… but when the Yankees ban you from using their weight room because you are a BIOHAZARD, it may be time to RETHINK YOUR HYGIENE PRACTICES.
Tissues. USE THEM. And then, when you are done, THROW THEM OUT. Antibacterial hand gel. USE IT. But only the kind that uses alcohol, not the kind that uses actual antibacterial medications, because that stuff will only make the bugs more superimmune. Orange juice. DRINK IT. Sleep. GET PLENTY OF IT. Don’t stay out all night hitting up every groupie in the city and then act all surprised when you’re starting to feel sniffly and run-down! SOAP AND WATER. Use it! To wash your hands! And then dry them with paper towels! Not your pants!
If you’re really that sick, DON’T COME TO THE BALLPARK! I understand that it’s some macho thing to show up and pretend you can play when in reality your entire body wants to be hunched over sacrificing your every meal of the past 3 days to the porcelain lord, but SACRIFICE YOUR NEED TO BE A BIG TOUGH BALLPLAYIN’ MAN and stay at home and KEEP YOUR BIOHAZARDOUS SELF FROM INFECTING THE ENTIRE REST OF THE TEAM.
Holy cats. I wasn’t kidding when I said they’re like kindergarteners. But KINDERGARTENERS wouldn’t be allowed to come to class and infect the rest of their sniveling larval peers.
–The BULLPEN. Ugh. Whatever.
–ERRORS. I hate to do this, I really do, but Brandon Inge? Has not been playing much like his usual self. Sure, he’s been displaying all of his famed range, and he’s made some nice plays, but…. he’s also made errors. The one today was particularly painful, because it directly led to an unearned run that made it sure that Bondo would get the loss. Even though Bondo threw more pitches than there are hydrogen atoms in the sun, he actually ended up with a very comparable outing to that of the Wang, so for him to get hung with the loss (especially when the aforementioned ughbullpen went on to give up more runs) is annoying.
Maybe the new baby is keeping Inge from getting his proper sleep or something of that nature. We should probably try to be forgiving of that. Plus, mightn’t his toe still be broken? Might that not be having an impact? But I don’t think anyone (management included) is inclined to be all that forgiving when Inge’s bat is not making up the difference, and the Tigers are in as dire a divisional situation as they are right now (PS: thank you D-Rays, we love you, just for a little while).
–BABY TIGERS. The baby Tigers, of course, are not a sin that the team needs to reflect upon, but the necessity of their being here before September call-ups might be. Anyways, I’m talking specifically about Cameron Maybin and Jair Jurrjens. Cam, as we’ve seen, can hit at a major league level… Roger Clemens presumably being about as major league as you can get. We’ve seen that he has speed. We’ve seen that he needs a little more work in left field, but hey, hasn’t the kid been playing center pretty much forever? It’s not surprising that he’d need a little time to adjust and it shouldn’t do anything to dent his official status of Awesome.
Jurrjens pitched well his last time out, and will be going again on Tuesday. Matt has a crazily great extensive look at Jurrjen’s last start that you should check out if you like facts and truths and proofs and things. He crunches a lot of fun data and reaches some useful conclusions, but I won’t spoil it for you, as you should go see.
-The RACIST LOGOS. Are in the Central. Are our Team to Beat. Are in town, and must be slaughtered comprehensively. They have a kid named “Asdrubal” on their team. We cannot let them win.