Jordan Tata breaks his hand the stupid way

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Oh man, you know who I did NOT want to see in Spring Training? Huh? Can you guess? I’ll give you a hint: he’s orange, he makes his nests out of energy drink cans and discarded slinkies, and I don’t even have the patience for hinting right now so HE’S THE SPAZZOSAURUS.

But no, we have to meet up with the Spazzosaurus before it’s even FREAKING APRIL because Jordan Tata is a gigantic pile of IDIOCY and pathetically raging male hormones and went and BROKE HIS HAND PUNCHING A DOOR.

WAY TO BE THE NEW KYLE FARNSWORTH, TATA.

The Spazzosaurus is having a frelling FEAST on this one, because Tata’s injury is 100% spazz-out. It wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t an in-game injury. It wasn’t even like he got in a fight with someone else. He got pissed off because he’s been having a lousy spring, and he punched a door. Because the way to improve a lousy spring is to punch inanimate objects. Why couldn’t he have just THROWN SOMETHING FOR CATS’ SAKES?

Yeah, it’s his pitching hand. Of course it’s his pitching hand! WHY THE HELL WOULDN’T IT BE HIS PITCHING HAND, YOU KNOW, TO MAKE SURE THIS IS AS ASININE AN INJURY AS POSSIBLE.

Last I heard the estimate was about 6 weeks. Oh, and he said his shoulder was hurting him, which is why his pitching had been sucking raccoon nuts before this. Maybe putting him on forced rest for 6 weeks will benefit his shoulder in the long run. Probably not, though. With our luck he’ll come back in 6 weeks and his shoulder will need another month to get back up to playing ability, or the pain will be an infestation of parasitic worms that have taken up residence under his shoulderblade and will have eaten away most of his shoulder tendons before the team doctors find them.

The only people who can feel good about this are the Spazzosaurus and Joel Zumaya. The Spazzosaurus is obvious. Zoom can feel good because he’s no longer the most irritatingly irresponsible Tiger on the team.

15 responses to “Jordan Tata breaks his hand the stupid way

  1. ivantopumpyouup

    What a f*cking knob.

  2. Yes, as you can perhaps tell, I am not exactly pleased with this development.

  3. And to think, I met Tata at TigerFest…:-/

  4. ivantopumpyouup

    I love how he throws up the smokescreen of his shoulder injury from the previous season to detract attention from the dumbassery of the broken hand. NOT WORKING, JORDAN.

  5. Your title suggests there is a smart way to break your hand.
    Perhaps if you used quantum physics?

  6. but he’s so damn hot! the spazzasaurus must’ve been attracted to his radiant heat.

  7. Lauren, let’s be glad this happened after TigerFest, then.
    ivan, yeah, I mean, obviously SOMETHING is wrong with him, because he really was pitching like raccoon nuts, but it just sounds an awful lot like he’s desperate for something to blame his struggles on.
    Adam, not ‘smart’ exactly… I think the converse of ‘stupid’ here would be ‘unavoidable accident’.
    tiff, well, he’s got lots of time to play with his hair gel in front of the mirror now. :P

  8. Brenna says, JESUS GOD.

  9. ivantopumpyouup

    Like Judge Judy says, beauty fades but dumb is forever!

  10. Well, to be fair to poor Tata, Al Kaline of all people did something similar to himself in ’67. Might have cost the Tigers the pennant. We forgive him, anyway.

  11. ivantopumpyouup

    Still don’t feel sorry for him. Or Al Kaline actually. At least it’s not like Tata was going to make the team. Still hurts the pitching depth-wise though. Oh well.

  12. I just got back from a Spring training trip… and while Tata getting hurt this way does suck quite a bit at least I got to see the Spazzosaurus. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, now next time I hope they are chewing on Indians players.

  13. rea, let’s put it this way: if Tata manages to come back and eventually turns out to be as important to the Tigers as Kaline is/was, then yes. Yes, most definitely, all will be forgiven, and he will look back on the time of the Spazzosaurus and laugh. I’ll wait and see if that happens, though. ;)
    Paul, yeah, wasn’t expecting to see the Spazzosaurus so very EARLY, is all. Hopefully he’ll have eaten his fill now for a while.

  14. I realize, that as a sports columnist, you are sadly assigned the duty of a blood sucker, otherwise you’d be standing on street corners acting your way towards middle class society, right?
    Well I hope not, but that

  15. Lauren, I’m afraid I’d be able to put a lot more weight in your terrifically informative comment if you understood a) paragraph breaks and b) proper usage of you/you’re/your. At least it would be easier to read, which would help us all.
    However, in the interest of fairness!
    a) I’m not a ‘sports columnist’. This is a blog; I am a blogger. I’m not ‘assigned’ anything. I don’t do this for profit. I do it on a voluntary basis. Because this is MVN and not just an independent blog, there are general MVN guidelines, but this is not a newspaper or ESPN. Some people seem to have trouble making this distinction, and I think it’s an important one.
    b) Middle class whut whut?
    c) //Just as you have done by presenting Jordan

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