Jim Leyland puts a letter in a bottle and throws it into the ocean

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

To whoever may find this:

I write this letter and cast it to the waves with the hope that someone may find it in time to save us; barring that, I hope it may serve a chronicle of our struggle, and a warning to those who would follow us.

We are but a peaceful team of ballplayers, known around the league as the Tigers of Detroit. We were returning from our yearly stay in the South when we struck foul winds and our fair ship was torn asunder, leaving us to flounder as best we could for whatever godforsaken scrap of dry land we could find. Alas, our centerfielder was lost in the tempest, along with a number of our very best relief pitchers. They either drowned or were dashed to pieces on jagged coral reefs; there is no way for us to know. Dearly have we missed them in the subsequent days.

The rest of us fetched up upon this horrible island, ill and weak from our trials on the high seas. I say the island is horrible, for it has been overlooked by every conceivable form of Providence: to wit, there is not a single Win upon its blasted shores! We have been slowly starving without this vital sustenance. I blanch in anticipation of our future, for though my men are good, when the suffering is so great savagery cannot be far behind. Soon I fear we shall have to consume the weakest of our number in order to survive. Already I have seen the starting pitchers eyeing Jason Grilli in a hungry sort of way.

Although the island lacks in Wins it has many a Loss upon it, and ‘though we know we should not, we have resorted to feeding upon these. This is a common madness, yes? I have heard of sailors who know well the dangers of salt water yet drink it unto illness when they are perishing of thirst.

The Losses are a poor substitute indeed and they nourish us hardly at all. If we do not find a source of Wins soon, and if we somehow refrain from resorting to the aforementioned Grilli-related barbarism, we shall surely waste away to irrelevance within our own division. The smaller ballplayers are already visibly weakening. Pudge Rodriguez has not been able to lift a bat in days, and without provisions I do not know when he will again. Carlos Guillen cannot get his leaden feet out of the basepath, and even the usually sure-handed Placido Polanco has been making errors. Grave indeed is our situation.

We have been stranded here for nigh on 7 games. Seven games! Together amounting to a week’s worth of Losses! Truly it feels much longer. It is as though we have suffered upon these accursed shores for months, or even years.

I beg of you, should you find this note, to send aid by whatever means you can. I do not know how much longer we can hold out before we do something drastic, although of course I will do my best to keep my men from panicking for as long as I can.

Godspeed and Go Tigers,

Captain Jim Leyland

23 responses to “Jim Leyland puts a letter in a bottle and throws it into the ocean

  1. Thank cats for this blog. Seriously. Very few baseball-related things have been able to make me laugh recently (aside from the Royals calendar… please tell me you saw that), but I come here and you almost always manage to eke a smile out of my stony face.
    Even if it’s a smile combined with a cringe at the thought of Jim Leyland shirtless.

  2. Dear god…
    Picture. Classic.
    Letter. Classic.

  3. ivantopumpyouup

    Um, the come hither look on Leyland-manip’s face, plus the fact he’s shirtless. *_*
    And I second what PfP said, thank the Cats for this blog. Without it, may’ve gone insane.

  4. You guys have no idea how much it warms my heart to see ‘thank cats’ catching on. :) You think this one will generate more or less nightmares than the Todd Jones in pigtails one did?

  5. Wow. An incredible post, and an incredibly disturbing picture. Nicely done!

  6. Great post, Sam! At least something good comes of the losing: your posts keep getting more entertaining!

  7. I’m not a Tigers fans, however, should I assume that Leyland is the goat or is he easier to poke fun at that a bunch of over-paid(so far) players???

  8. Hahaha, that was great. Absolutely classic.

  9. Leslie Monteiro

    That picture of Jim Leyland naked had me laughing, Samara.

  10. Wow!
    The only highlight of yesterday’s game was the red tailed hawk swooping low over the field with a mouse in its mouth. Isn’t nature something?

  11. was the mouse name A-rod too? ;)

  12. oh my god, I thought that was actually a shirtless Jim Leyland for a second. My eyes! My eyes!

  13. Hey Samara,
    I’ve spent time on that wretched island, too. There’s an old guy in cave around there somewhere, goes by the name of Buddy. For godssake, don’t let your boys listen to a word he says!

  14. ivantopumpyouup

    MORE NIGHTMARES D:

  15. Leslie — Leyland isn’t naked. I firmly believe he’s still wearing pants in that photo. I have to.
    But yeah, thank cats for all of this. The other, more conventional Tiger blogs are pretty much powerless in the face of this much awfulness. Here it gets turned into art. Or something.
    That said, that letter might be significant as more than just a work of fiction. It may, in fact, be time to consider actually eating some of the pitching staff. You can’t spell “Grilli” without “grill.”

  16. Reading is sometimes an excellent thing to do, Sid. You should try it!

  17. Awesome work … got a laugh … I’m a Sox fan but best of luck to Leyland and his boys on getting off the island (In a couple of days of course lol) … Maybe they should try to rope some sea turtles together or something eh? ;)

  18. Ah, surely a boat will find our Tigers soon… as you say, for Grilli’s sake a supply crate with wins in it is sorely needed for our castaways.
    Go Tigs! Sam, for tonight they need the win more than your Red Sox…

  19. Yeah well It looks like a passing ship picked up your boys tonight … good luck on navigating the rest of the season
    Meanwhile, I’m starting to think we may need to eat a couple of our own relievers real soon here

  20. It’s over. My god, the nightmare is over.
    (Well, for now it is.)
    Chin pointed firmly upward!

  21. Excellent job again, Samara. Thank Moses that streak is over. The monkey has been removed… let us play some REAL Tiger baseball!

  22. Aww, thanks everyone, I’m glad our PAIN AND SUFFERING was able to be transmuted into amusement even briefly. And hey, it seems to have goaded the Tigs to a win… maybe all we had to do was send them positive vibes. :)
    Or threaten them with pictures of Jim Leyland in increasingly risque states of deshabille…

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