photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Yesterday you could say that the last time the Detroit Tigers swept the Yankees at Yankee Stadium, it was 1966. I was not even invented yet! (Hell, my parents hadn’t even met yet.) Today you can say that the last time the Tigers swept the Yankees at Yankee Stadium, it was 2008. (And I’ve been invented for a while.)
Even with the struggles of the Yankees, this is quite the feat. Obviously many other people would like to replicate these results. Presented here, then, is a handy guide especially for these desirous folks, courtesy of the Detroit Tigers.
(As imagined in the deranged brain-like thinking pouch that creates Roar of the Tigers. Obviously.)
How to Sweep the Yankees in New York
Advice from Kenny Rogers: The most important thing you can do is suck less than the other guy. That’s all you gotta do. You don’t gotta be Sandy f’in’ Koufax out there every time. You can be 500 years old and have no goddamn idea where the baseball’s goin’… so long as the other poor bastard out there’s worse. That’s the most important thing you can do and you little snots better remember it.
Advice from Placido Polanco: You mus’ remember you are Placido Polanco an’ you hit e’rrythin’ ever if it is a baseball. Also Advil is nice for a sore back.
Advice from Curtis Granderson: I’ve always found that the most important thing to do if you want to sweep the New York Yankees at Yankee Stadium is to respect them. Remember, you’re talking about a really storied franchise in their last season in their historical ballpark, which is widely touted as having been built by Mr. Babe Ruth himself! They’ve got guys like Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera on the team and you just have to respect guys like that who play the game right. Once you respect the opposing team, you can respectfully let them know that you are several thousand times better than their leadoff hitter and center fielder. But you do it respectfully! That’s the key.
Advice from Jeremy Bonderman: Ignore th’ first inning. Pitch. Ignore th’ uncomfortable feelin’ you get when Rod Allen calls one’a your pitches “Mr. Snappy”.
Advice from Miguel Cabrera: Headrubs wit’ teammates, bes’ motivator.
Advice from Gary Sheffield: Kick those motherf***ing sons’a’b****s while they’re down. Kick their f***ing teeth in, make ’em swallow the f***ing teeth. You wanna boo me, c***s***ers? Go right ahead, boo, boo ’til your f***ing throats seize up and you start convulsin’ an’ dyin’ like the little s***heads you are, I’m gonna hit this motherf***ing baseball so hard you won’t have any f***ing idea what the f*** just went wrong but you’ll know you don’t mess with Gary f***ing Sheffield. You my b****, New York, you my b****.
Advice from Magglio Ordonez: Take every chance you can get to remind Johnny Damon that you have the awesome hair now and he doesn’t, and it is all because of his team.
Advice from Nate Robertson: Faceplant onto the field, but in a hilarious way that doesn’t injure you. Injuries aren’t the way to go, that’s solid advice, I think. But faceplanting, yeah, that gets ’em all laughing, you see, and then they’re too distracted to do anything against you after you’ve had your obligatory one terrible inning. Bondo will totally back me up on that. Well, maybe not on the faceplant. That’s my personal advice.
Advice from Justin Verlander: LOL did u guyz see Nate faceplnt out there omg lol lol lol
Advice from Ramon Santiago: You must pay no mind to the level of moisture on the field grass. Many infielders will tell you that this is a factor but if you are at the peak of your skills and it is not above a certain threshold level (which I call the Untenability Threshold, i.e. The Point At Which They Really Should Have Called This Game But Haven’t Yet Because Someone Is Being Unreasonably Stubborn) you should be able to perform in your usual manner.
You must at all times understand that the territory it is your responsibility to cover is not restricted to grass alone! The air all around you is also legitimate territory and you must be aware of it at all times. When a baseball enters this territory, no matter how strange its trajectory, you must grab hold of it, and no matter what position you find yourself in, you must get that baseball to a base being approached by an opposing runner. If you can manage that, the probability is high that you will find yourself in a very good position with regards to sweeping the Yankees in New York City.
Advice from the bullpen as a whole: Thank the starters profusely for not coming out in the third inning. Stop comparing biceps with Kyle Farnsworth- you won’t win that one. Concentrate on what you can do, which is suck less than you’d been doing. Baby steps! Better every day!
Advice from Paws: U GOTTA GIVE UR TIGER A BROOM FOR SWEEPINZ. THAT IZ MOST IMPORTNT BIT.