Rollercoaster goes for a dive, Tigers can't climb back up

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Man I am so angry about this game. It’s not even that I’m mad at Todd Jones or anything, because he’s Rollercoaster Jones for a reason, he’s gonna do this every so often, and to his credit he’s probably over it by now because he never psyches himself out. It would be like getting pissed off at the sky for being blue.

No, I’m just all directionlessly angry and if this game was a tangible thing I’d put it in a corner and throw heavy books at it until I ran out of heavy books. Which would take a really long time, because I have a lot of books and many of them are heavy.

(I mean, just chucking the Neal Stephensons at it would do considerable damage, and then we’d get into the Dickens…)

It’s just. ARRGH! Stupid freaking Twins! I JUST watched the Red Sox take their MAPLE HAMMERS OF BOSTONIAN DOOM to the Twins, and then I had to watch THIS. Slowey gave up 6 runs in 3.2 innings, and they had to bring in 5 separate relievers to finish out the game… none of which gave up a single solitary run. I object on the basis of some noble principle or other. Sigh.

On the plus side, Matt Joyce homered again, giving yet more cred to the theory that caring for kittens leads to batting power. Who knows… throwing Edgar Renteria into a giant pit of kittens may be the only way to save him.

The whole ‘Christmas in July’ thing, if you didn’t happen to see the game, was fairly underwhelming. Paws was in a Santa suit, and at one point he came up to the booth for an interview with Rod and Mario, where he presented them with Santa hats and candy canes, and the audience learned that there is no good way to interview a giant anthropomorphic tiger that can’t talk. It was all very ‘eh’.

Of course I’m not going to get too hyped up about ‘Christmas in July’ anyways, since I don’t even do Christmas in December.

There was one glorious Rod Allen moment in this one, though. Carlos Guillen stole second off of Joe Nathan in the 9th inning. It was a pretty ballsy play, on the relative scale of baseball ballsiness, and it prompted Rod Allen to exclaim,

Yeah! If you’re scared, get a dog!

I think this means something like… if you’re too cringing and afraid to steal a base in a tough baseball situation, perhaps you should retire to a small home and get yourself a ferocious guard dog. Maybe? I fear that there may be convolutions of meaning here that I cannot unravel. It does seem certain, however, that Rod is saying that Carlos is so fearless that he does not require a hound.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are all Twinkie games. Friday is Arrrrrmando vs. Glen ‘office manager’ Perkins, Saturday is Nate vs. Scott ‘cookies’ Baker, and Sunday is Justin vs. Nick ‘actually it’s Robert’ Blackburn. I, however, will be on the Cape (Cape League baseball! slowly stupefying on the beach! woo!) for all three of these games and thus will not be seeing them. I’ll be back Monday, but you kids and kittens are on your own for the weekend. Play nice, share the catnip, don’t kick the litter everywhere, and go Tigers!


8 responses to “Rollercoaster goes for a dive, Tigers can't climb back up

  1. Leslie Monteiro

    It’s rare that you are very angry after a loss, Samara. It was that bad, eh.
    The Santa Paws was lame BTW. Maybe it’s me being a member of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but I am not crazy about Christmas at any month.
    I also have more appreciation for Rod Allen after watching Jerry Remy this week.
    Have fun at Cape Cod.

  2. The Rod Allen comment was hilarious. All the more so since it totally came out of nowhere.
    I was chuckling away with the headphones on and my wife asked what was so funny. I tried to explain it to her – in French, as you do – but unfortunately the genius of Rod kinda loses something in translation…

  3. Cape Cod League baseball?! Soooooo jealous … have an awesome time!!!!

  4. I agree, that was an instant Rod Allen classic. I am immediately adding it to my personal version of the Rod Allen Drinking Game :)
    Also, did anyone else notice the overzealous female fan slapping Clete on the butt when he made that catch and almost fell into the stands?! I caught a glimpse of it the first time and was like “Whaaa..?” so I went back and in fact she slapped him on the backside 3 TIMES! She was fired up. Clete kind of had an odd look on his face and I don’t think he was all that excited about it.

  5. to avenge the loss I will only eat Twinkies until we win.

  6. I think the last time a Twin had five hits in a game it was Kirby Puckett against – yep -the Tigers. Mr. Morneau was trying to hit one to his homeland, I guess.
    Your nickname for Scott Baker is good, but I believe the anagram discovered by the boys at Pulling a Blyleven is better: Rocket bats.
    I have very fond memories of Cape league baseball in Orleans on a 4th of July weekend long ago. We had hauled our little sloop from Ohio and, the first day out, got stuck on a sandbar in Pleasant Bay. Made it back in time for the first pitch, though, and the fireworks from the beach were memorable.

  7. Nobody noticed the quote from Matt Joyce in the article?
    “Roller coaster,” Joyce said to describe his day. “An absolute roller coaster. And that’s how this game goes.”
    Maybe this is Jonesy’s last year in an Olde English D, after all. Perhaps the torch has been properly passed.

  8. Milton Signed-Rank

    I can’t blame Jones for this loss. Joyce is having mental troubles in the outfield right now. He kind of plays a double in a nonchalant fashion and Span burns him for a triple earlier in the game, so it looked like he was thinking he was going to charge that hit in the ninth and then…do what? Gun the runner out at third? This was a BAD over-aggressive response to the play. It doesn’t matter if the lead runner scores, runs up in the stands, puts on the Santa Paws get-up and hands out candy canes to all the boys and girls. The only thing that mattered on that play was to keep the batter at first. Charging the ball like a bull to keep the runner at 2nd base was a poor choice….that probably lost the game for the Tigers. I say Jones gets out of the two-on, nobody out jam without giving up two runs without Joyce’s butchery.

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