in the future, Todd Jones will kill us all


photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Dear Todd Jones,

This (see above image) is what watching you pitch 9th innings like that does to my heart. It is not healthy for me and it is probably not particularly healthy for you. Please stop and do your part to preserve the (now fragile) cardiac health of Tigers fans everywhere.

yours in sincere arrrgh,
Roar of the Tigers

So, I’m a little peeved by the whole ‘everyone gets a 4-day weekend WHOOPS EXCEPT FOR YOU!’ scheduling thing, and I’m still recovering from that 9th inning, but aside from that: yay for the win! Yay for gaining ground on everyone else, even if it’s only because they were all still lounging slothfully pool-side today! Yay for, um… using the majority of the bullpen at the start of a four game series… er… well. Maybe that’s somewhat less yay.

EXTRA YAY, however, for Brandon Inge, who was so very excited to NOT CATCH that he went ahead and hit a two-run homer in celebration. I think we’re all well aware by now that Inge would much, MUCH rather play third, but apparently he still feels the need to emphasize this point. He made some nifty defensive plays too, just to make sure that Jim Leyland had really got the message.

Sheff also homered, which was nice to see, because cat knows he’s been struggling lately.

Oh, and The River Thames homered. But that’s just The River Thames doing what The River Thames does. He also doubled, which is much more unusual; usually The River hits home runs, or doesn’t hit at all (35% of The River’s total hits this season are home runs. Compare that to 16% for Miggy, 13% for Maggs, and 12% for Granderson) (36% of Matt Joyce’s hits have been home runs, but that’s extra small sample size lulz).

Now, let me remind you that ROAR OF THE TIGERS WILL BE IN BALTIMORE FOR THE SATURDAY AND SUNDAY GAMES. Expect many photos upon my return. I will be missing the Friday game um because my friends and I are going to see Batman in IMAX shut up, and I will NOT have computer access in OrioleLand, so don’t expect anything here ’til Sunday night at the earliest, more likely sometime on Monday.

Again, if you’re going to be in Baltimore Saturday and/or Sunday and you see me staggering around the city or the ballpark, feel free to come over and say hi! I’m very friendly unless you’re a Yankee fan or a creepy molester (or both, which I guess would be Jason Giambi). Look for the cat with the offensively neon orange Tigers hat, brown and pink hair in a bun, a really honkin’ big camera, and some variety of goofy Tigers tshirt (probably Ingecredible! one day and this hand-painted monstrosity the other). I’m easy to spot.

Tomorrow is Arrrrmando vs. Jeremy ‘OK, fine, he eventually went to Stanford’ Guthrie. Saturday I should be seeing Nate vs. Daniel ‘a million feet tall in person’ Cabrera, and Sunday should be Justin vs. Brian ‘I literally have nothing to say about him’ Burres. I expect nothing but wins, because every Tigers fan in town will deserve them after suffering through the heat of Baltimore in July. Keep your kitty kibble in the food dish, folks and felines, don’t kick it under the fridge while I’m out. I’ll see you when I get back, and Go Tigers!

17 responses to “in the future, Todd Jones will kill us all

  1. Hey, remember when Jones did that Hilarious Fake Magglio thing? That was…yeah, that was pretty great, wasn’t it?
    But seriously, let’s kill him. The madness must end.
    …and that is another image for the ages, BTW. I think you’ll actually disturb a few people with that one. Not me, but I have questionable taste. :) Awesome.

  2. Oh god, so that image is gonna be at the top of the page for days
    Somehow still less disturbing than Jonesy in pigtails on the spacehopper…
    Have fun in OrioleLand!

  3. You know, I was a LITTLE worried that image might be a bit much… then I decided that that 9th inning was a bit much, and after THAT, the image was comparatively harmless. ;)

  4. Batman was pretty awesome. My heart was well prepared for chills and thrills because of the Todd Jones cardiac work out!

  5. I would most definitely NOT call that shirt a hand-painted monstrosity… I like old-school.
    As to the Jones outing, I’m used to it by now… Just curl up in the fetal position ’til it’s over, is my strategy.

  6. Going to see Batman on Saturday afternoon (in IMAX) to hopefully avoid some of the crowds.
    Have fun and let me leave you with this tidbit…
    Gary Sheffield: “Like I tell a player, ‘If you see something, just say something.’ I’m not one of those that aren’t approachable. I try to take advice like anybody else.”
    Infinite Lulz, n’est-ce pas?

  7. Yeah that Sheff quote after Leyland gave him some pointers made me do a double take as well tiff.
    I’ve managed to convince folks at work the Tigers are going to be worth watching in the second half… now they need to go on a Oriole hunting spree and bring home a sack of birdies to slather in a spicy sauce and feed to Todd Jones.

  8. In reference to Jeff stating that he is used to “it” by now….
    I WAS. I WAS used to it. I stood up for Todd. I tried to calm ALL by telling them that this was how Todd did his “thing”. Turn the channel, leave the room, make a sandwich (like Todd told us to do). Todd drove me to the edge, but it always ended in a save.
    Of late…..I am up to HERE with Todd Jones. It’s getting ridiculous. I feel evil in that I am thinking bad thoughts about a very, very good man.
    Make Todd stop it!

  9. ivantopumpyouup

    . . . That image. Nightmarish, just like games when Todd Jones come in.
    I have to agree with something I heard on 97.1, that Todd Jones is the least of our problems. I’m not too concerned about him. Or maybe I’ve been desensitized to him. lol

  10. Look, thinking calmly about it a day later, clearly it’s true that ToddJ’s M.O. is not a major concern, since it usually works. But it’s hard to be rational about something like that! It’s like if somebody keeps POKING YOU IN THE ARM, you don’t calmly think to yourself, well, they’re not really HURTING me. You retaliate! Or tell a grown-up.
    Also, Ms SP — didja see? . They’re way behind the curve re: Tigers Photoshopping. And it’s funny, sure, but you’ve had dozens funnier than that.

  11. Leslie Monteiro

    Several comments about tonight’s game at Baltimore.
    First off, the Tigers got screwed by the home plate umpire. Polanco was safe. It was so obvious. Had Polanco was called safe in extra innings, Tigers win. Instead, Luke Scott homered and that was it. That was a devastating loss. I wish this stuff on no one. This pissed me off and I am a Twins fan.
    Second, I had a problem with Luke Scott’s celebration. That was classless and disgusting. That home plate slide was garbage. He did not have to do it. I hope he gets buzzed in the plate.
    Third, you don’t use Joel Zumaya to close out the game. You use Todd Jones. Rarely, you see setup man do well in closing. A closer knows how to close it out in the ninth inning. Zumaya does not have that experience. You just don’t take that risk. It’s overmanaging. Jones may be not good, but he gets his saves. Had Leyland use him in the ninth, a different story and that call would not be a difference in this game.
    This loss makes me sick.

  12. After this weekend, how can anyone argue that we need Ingey at third base? He’s a competent catcher – he’d probably be competent anywhere on the field. But he is FUN to watch at third.
    And, as he made plain in the ninth inning this afternoon, he is quite capable of saving Jones from being quite so Rollercoastery.
    Come on, Skip – find another place for Carlos and put Brandon back at third!

  13. Jeff, thanks! It’s a logo for which I have much love, because the tiger’s eyes are so crazy.
    tiff, the idea of Sheff gracefully accepted unsolicited advice is almost crying-with-laughter funny. Oh maaaaan.
    Paul, I’m hoping the oblique disasters will slow down in the second half… that should help get us going.
    jules, exactly: I always feel kinda bad digging at Jonesy, because by all accounts he’s a stand-up fellow. Plus he has a great mustache. But sometimes, y’know, as a Tigers blogger, you just gotta poke fun, because HOLY CATS HOW CAN YOU NOT.
    No, ivan, I think that’s right… there are many problems on this team, but Todd Jones (shockingly) is not the largest of them. I mean, I’m much, MUCH more worried about the starters, and as always about the catching situation.
    Matt, exactly. I know on some cool intellectual level that Jonesy doesn’t blow games all that often, but it’s hard to stay on that cool intellectual level when you’re watching him ride the ragged edge of disaster day in and day out. And that Leyland thing is cute– wish I’d thought of it first. ;)
    Leslie, Polanco was indeed safe. It was obvious even at the ballpark. Definitely a sucky way to lose.
    heitk1le, Brandon Inge and third base are TRUE LOVE. Obvs. Also, true story: in Baltimore, someone was heckling Leyland after taking Verlander out on Sunday, yelling, “What, why don’t you have Inge pitch? He plays everywhere else!” Of course, as all Inge fans know, he DID pitch, in college. It was good for a snicker at the game, anyhow.
    C. Eberhard, I’ve addressed this before, but Jonesy is a statistical oddity. His ERA and WHIP are both quite awful for a reliever, but he actually does not blow that many games. It’s weird and makes no sense and I wouldn’t trust it at all, except that it’s been his MO for YEARS. It’s not something that he should be able to do consistently, but somehow it is. He is frustrating as all hell to watch, but actually not bad for the team most of the time.
    Kevin, Phil, I think most of us would have liked to see Justin get the CG, but Leyland’s reasoning is not too hard to follow. He badly, BADLY wanted to win that game because losing it would have meant dropping 3 of 4 to the O’s and getting on a plane following an awful loss. Justin was also over 100 pitches, has already thrown a ton of pitches this season, and tends to suffer when overworked. I’m not saying I 100% agree with Leyland’s decision, but the why of it is not too hard to suss out.

  14. C. Eberhard Mulka

    Everybody knows that Jones throws the first one down the middle and then it is followed by AT LEAST 3 balls. He has no control. Why does Leyland keep him, is he trying to only use him when we’re ahead knowing that losing a run or two “can’t hurt” – Is he trying to hand Todd a better record than he deserves? What does Todd Jones have over Jim Leyland, I’d like to know. We can’t watch in silence while he throws away our victories.
    Another thing – with one out left, and one man on, why not leave in a pitcher who can do the job? Why put Jones in? Jones is NOT a good closer because he has no concentration or control. SELL HIS CONTRACT, SKIPPER!

  15. I could not believe that Verlander was taken out there in the 9th with just one out to get in the game yes he had walked two batters but to bring in Jones???

  16. I seriously question Leyland’s sanity after pulling JV in favor of the Roller Coaster yesterday. By the look on JV’s face, he was having the same thoughts as I was…

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