photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Hey Tigers fans, here are some words to make your blood run cold: Here comes Kyle Farnsworth in a one-run game.
Veins not frozen yet? Have some more: Nick Swisher wins the game in the 14th.
I hate Nick Swisher. I hate him so much. I hate his hair and I hate his swing. I hate his beard, in all its incarnations. I hate his homerun total. I hate his STUPID BUCKEYE FACE.
How do I hate Nick Swisher?
– Wicked bad.
– So hard.
– With the fire of a thousand suns.
How do I hate Nick Swisher? O let me count the ways: a million. Times pi. SQUARED, THEN RAISED TO THE POWER OF HOW MUCH NICK SWISHER IS EVIL I.E. UNTO INFINITY.
We needed this win. We NEEDED this win. Not because of the divisional matchup, not because of blah blah blah X number of games back: whatever! I don’t even care about that right now! We needed this game because it went 14 CATDAMNED INNINGS and Placido Polanco was LEAVING HIS ENTIRE SOUL OUT THERE AT THE PLATE and he was SNUGGLING WITH MIGUEL CABRERA IN THE DUGOUT (Miguel! Snuggling! Looking up at the camera, then RETURNING to snuggling, proving that he learned from his earlier, shy snuggling!) after he hit HIS SECOND HOMERUN OF THE GAME to put the Tigers ahead in the top of the 14th and ARRRRRGGGGH.
SCREW THE STANDINGS, SCREW THEM RIGHT IN NICK SWISHER’S LEFT NOSTRIL. We needed this game FOR THE TIGERS, AS A TEAM.
But no. No, we could not have this game. Why? Because Nate couldn’t go more than 5 frigging innings; because Kyle Farnsworth can’t be trusted with the dessicated corpse of a sewer rat right now, let alone a single catdamned run lead in the 8th catdamned inning; because E6gar Renteria EXISTS; because Jim Leyland puts WAY TOO MUCH FRELLING WEIGHT ON SAVE SITUATIONS and removed Freddy Dolsi from the game even though he’d only thrown 12 DONKEY-BITING PITCHES in favor of Joel Zumaya i.e. the nominal closer; because of NICK SWISHER AND HIS STUPID BUCKEYE FACE.
You know who I’m NOT mad at? FERNANDO RODNEY. Fernando threw 3 scoreless innings with 5 Ks on only 38 pitches for what may have been the longest outing of his Major League life and you know what? You know what? Fernando did great. Fernando Rodney THREW SOME GREAT STOAT-HUMPING BASEBALL. CHEW ON THAT, universe.
ETA: That bloody “This little light of mine,” song from the horrific Cornerstone Schools ad is RUNNING ON REPEAT in my head right now, ON TOP OF ALL THIS, so I am probably going to LOSE MY ENTIRE MIND. Seriously: does that ad make anyone else want to claw their own eyes out of their own faces, or is it just me? At the very end, where the little girl looks up from her candle and the sound is synched improperly… I go out of my freaking gourd, every single time. It’s like nails on the chalkboard of my soul. I want to throw money at them just so they’ll STOP RUNNING THOSE UNPRINTABLY AWFUL COMMERCIALS.
Wednesday’s game is at 8:11 pm EDT, Justin Verlander vs. who the hell cares. HEY, JUSTIN! I sure hope you feel like you’ve got 9 innings of baseball in that right arm of yours, because we used THE ENTIRE CATDAMNED BULLPEN TONIGHT. You think I’m joking, you think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not, we used EVERY SINGLE UNPRINTABLE ARM IN THE THOROUGHLY UNPRINTABLE BULLPEN in this game. Seriously: good luck, Justin. Good frelling luck. You’re going to need it.