I HATE NICK SWISHER


photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Hey Tigers fans, here are some words to make your blood run cold: Here comes Kyle Farnsworth in a one-run game.

Veins not frozen yet? Have some more: Nick Swisher wins the game in the 14th.

I hate Nick Swisher. I hate him so much. I hate his hair and I hate his swing. I hate his beard, in all its incarnations. I hate his homerun total. I hate his STUPID BUCKEYE FACE.

How do I hate Nick Swisher?

– Wicked bad.
– So hard.
– With the fire of a thousand suns.

How do I hate Nick Swisher? O let me count the ways: a million. Times pi. SQUARED, THEN RAISED TO THE POWER OF HOW MUCH NICK SWISHER IS EVIL I.E. UNTO INFINITY.

We needed this win. We NEEDED this win. Not because of the divisional matchup, not because of blah blah blah X number of games back: whatever! I don’t even care about that right now! We needed this game because it went 14 CATDAMNED INNINGS and Placido Polanco was LEAVING HIS ENTIRE SOUL OUT THERE AT THE PLATE and he was SNUGGLING WITH MIGUEL CABRERA IN THE DUGOUT (Miguel! Snuggling! Looking up at the camera, then RETURNING to snuggling, proving that he learned from his earlier, shy snuggling!) after he hit HIS SECOND HOMERUN OF THE GAME to put the Tigers ahead in the top of the 14th and ARRRRRGGGGH.

SCREW THE STANDINGS, SCREW THEM RIGHT IN NICK SWISHER’S LEFT NOSTRIL. We needed this game FOR THE TIGERS, AS A TEAM.

But no. No, we could not have this game. Why? Because Nate couldn’t go more than 5 frigging innings; because Kyle Farnsworth can’t be trusted with the dessicated corpse of a sewer rat right now, let alone a single catdamned run lead in the 8th catdamned inning; because E6gar Renteria EXISTS; because Jim Leyland puts WAY TOO MUCH FRELLING WEIGHT ON SAVE SITUATIONS and removed Freddy Dolsi from the game even though he’d only thrown 12 DONKEY-BITING PITCHES in favor of Joel Zumaya i.e. the nominal closer; because of NICK SWISHER AND HIS STUPID BUCKEYE FACE.

You know who I’m NOT mad at? FERNANDO RODNEY. Fernando threw 3 scoreless innings with 5 Ks on only 38 pitches for what may have been the longest outing of his Major League life and you know what? You know what? Fernando did great. Fernando Rodney THREW SOME GREAT STOAT-HUMPING BASEBALL. CHEW ON THAT, universe.

ETA: That bloody “This little light of mine,” song from the horrific Cornerstone Schools ad is RUNNING ON REPEAT in my head right now, ON TOP OF ALL THIS, so I am probably going to LOSE MY ENTIRE MIND. Seriously: does that ad make anyone else want to claw their own eyes out of their own faces, or is it just me? At the very end, where the little girl looks up from her candle and the sound is synched improperly… I go out of my freaking gourd, every single time. It’s like nails on the chalkboard of my soul. I want to throw money at them just so they’ll STOP RUNNING THOSE UNPRINTABLY AWFUL COMMERCIALS.

Wednesday’s game is at 8:11 pm EDT, Justin Verlander vs. who the hell cares. HEY, JUSTIN! I sure hope you feel like you’ve got 9 innings of baseball in that right arm of yours, because we used THE ENTIRE CATDAMNED BULLPEN TONIGHT. You think I’m joking, you think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not, we used EVERY SINGLE UNPRINTABLE ARM IN THE THOROUGHLY UNPRINTABLE BULLPEN in this game. Seriously: good luck, Justin. Good frelling luck. You’re going to need it.

Go Tigers!

28 responses to “I HATE NICK SWISHER

  1. I hate Nick Swisher too, like sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I have always hated his wide, f’ed up face. Srsly, WTF?
    I give you much credit for your ability to make me smile (ever so briefly mind you), after that hellish, horrifying, terrible, good for nothing, rotten catdamned loss.
    F Nick Swisher, F this season, and F the horse they both rode in on.

  2. ivantopumpyouup

    That is honestly the most terrifying thing I’ve EVER seen. EVEN MORE TERRIFYING THAN KYLE FARNSWORTH IN A ONE RUN GAME.
    AAARRRGGH.
    (we all float down here.)
    :/

  3. Holy cats those terrible eyes.
    E6gar. I love you a little bit, but I hate Nick Swisher a lot, and I hate the Tigers a small but vital amount at the moment.

  4. I am also pretty upset about the loss, but WHAT WHAT POLANCO WAS SNUGGLING WITH CABRERA IN THE DUGOUT WHAT? How did I miss this small life-raft of joy floating in a vast ocean of ANGUISH?

  5. Phil, I do what I can. Which is not much. F’in word.
    ivan, sleep tight, don’t let the Nick Swishers come upon your bed in the night and drain your slumbering body of all its blood!
    PfP, they’re the terrible eyes that gaze into your soul, see your worst fears, and then bring them all into existence. That’s what Buckeyes do, dontcha know.
    Brenna, not only snuggling, but AMAZING snuggling. Miggy putting his head in Polanco’s chest and snorgling there. Glancing up at the camera, ADORABLY I MIGHT ADD, then RETURNING TO SNORGLING. Then they kind of rubbed their heads together. I was happy, once.

  6. They only break my heart because they love me. :(

  7. David, it is a harsh and unforgiving love. :/
    ivan, tiff, Missing Pudge: It might be worth going through the game if you have access to it somewhere just to find the snuggle. It was a VERY good snuggle. If I see it online somewhere I’ll be sure to share, but I kinda doubt I will.
    Less, even if I were to mute it, I would still know it’s there, mocking me. Also, my dad has taken to standing next to the TV when it comes on and joining in as a kind of horrific ritual. Tigers games when I’m in MA are not for the faint of heart or delicate of eardrum.
    Jeff, see, they STILL get me. When The Farns tied it, a wonderful sense of calm descended upon me. It seemed inevitable that we would lose the game. I was resigned to my fate. But Polanco’s homerun… it was so wonderful, everyone was so HAPPY and CUDDLY afterwards, I got hopeful again. LIES LIES LIES.

  8. ivantopumpyouup

    I missed snuggling? Blaaarrgh. I’m not going to slog through the entire game for that. :/

  9. WHY DO I ALWAYS MISS TEH SNUGGLES???
    First Miggy with Pudge, now Miggs with Polly? This is too much for my faint broken heart to handle.
    And of course I’ll never ever EVER find it on the good-for-nothing Interwebs.

  10. (Right there with you regarding that cloying/grating commercial/PSA. Ick. Thank cats I have a mute button and I can look away from the TV and pretend the thing doesn’t exist.)

  11. Missing Pudge...

    Miguel Snuggling?? I missed it… !!!!! He once snuggled with Pudge, one game out west…. again, he snuggled, looked at camera — Pudge even waived to the camera… and both went back to snuggling. It was the same game Miguel was using a stool as a drum….
    Awwwwwwwww, I miss Pudge so much! There is a hole in my heart. But miguel’s cuteness is starting to fill it.

  12. I know I have hit my limit with this team because of this very fact: I was busy with my kids, but made time to check the score: 6-1 Tigers, pleasantly surprised. Later, 6-5 Tigers, roll eyes. Later, 6-6, 10th inning, “here we go again”. Later, 8-6 Tigers, and I even bothered to check how we scored the 2 runs… Pleasantly surprised. Zoom blows the save, I didn’t even care, really. This team is done. Zoom should be made the closer from here on out, just to get his feet wet for 2009, see if he can do it or not. If he can’t, no big deal, it’s not like we are making the playoffs, anyways.
    Sincerely,
    Eeyore

  13. I felt warmth in my heart after the Polanco homerun, I sincerely though we had that game.
    Although I will admit there was wild pitches and our shaky bullpen at the back of my mind right up until the very end when joy was extinguished.

  14. […] to start, why not read up on the Tigers a bit. The Tigers are dead to this guy, this guys hates Nick Swisher, and here’s a statisical look by Lee Panas of Tiger Tales investigating if there’s a […]

  15. ivantopumpyouup

    What inning did it occur? ’cause I may be able to find it if MLB.tv archived the Tigers broadcast.

  16. Top of the 14th, but I’m pretty sure MLB.tv would have the Wrong Sox broadcast.

  17. Phil, you’re a lucky man.
    librarymonkey, I assume you meant that Pudge is injured? Bleh. And of course I agree that dealing with the Yankees is very much like dealing with Satan, or at least Satanists.

  18. I’ve never seen this horrifying comercial thankfully, because I have a DVR! No commercials for me!

  19. *puts on flame retardant suit* I’ve never seen this horrifying comercial thankfully, because I have a DVR! No commercials for me!

  20. librarymonkey27

    Farnsworth is torturing us
    for trading for us
    and the jinx works both ways
    pitch is injured
    dealing with the yankers is like
    dealing with satan

  21. See, I always hated him. Always. Because Oakland or not, he was always a Buckeye first.

  22. So once upon a time when Swisher was a cuddly green and gold Oakland A, I liked him. But now … nottttt so much. That picture, while a tad frightening, is SO perfect. Evil bad nasty Buckeye Swisher!

  23. whats ur problem? U guys are all freaks. Nick Swisher is the best outfielder I’ve ever seen and just cauz ur stupid little tigers didnt win doesnt mean you gotta cry about it. Grow up!

    • Congratulations, you have just commented on a 3 year old post. Did the references to Kyle Farnsworth, Placido Polanco, and Fernando Rodney as Tigers give you pause at all? Or do you consider reading too much of a strain on your clearly massive intellect?

      Absolutely nobody will see this except for the blog admin, who thinks you’re an idiot. Well done.

  24. Pingback: Twitter and Tigers-induced insanity | Martin Waymire Advocacy Communications

  25. @ Samara Pearlstein OH MY GOD!!! SWISHER GONE MAD Fuck The Tigers Yankees Rule Get Em Nick And Show Samara You Ain’t Nothing To Fuck With

  26. @Jonathan Are You Fucking Kidding Me Swisher Must Be High As Fuck

  27. @Jonathan Washington Err Okay I Said That For No Reason

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