photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
I’m so glad that we wasted Verlander’s arm on that pathetic loss of a game. And I do mean WASTED, as in, “Dude, you totally WASTED that squirrel with your front bumper!” Hey, what’s 130 pitches between friends, right? So what if it was the most pitches he’s thrown in a single game in his major league career? So what if he’s a pitcher WHO’S HAD ARM FATIGUE ISSUES BEFORE? So what if he’s thrown 100+ pitches in PRETTY MUCH EVERY GAME HE’S STARTED THIS SEASON?
LET’S JUST USE HIM SOME MORE!
I mean, hey, maybe next time out he can throw 200 pitches and we can pretend he’s high-school-age Daisuke Matsuzaka! And we can lose again! Ha HA! Jolly good fun!!
Of course what else could we have done today? The bullpen was filled with dead and dying relievers, dragged to the ballpark by Chuck Hernandez and carefully moved from the clubhouse come gametime by a bat boy with a wheelbarrow. The only possible positive pitching outcome would have been an efficient outing from Verlander — say, under 100 pitches in 7 or 8 innings — but clearly that’s crazy-talk.
The best thing about this game was that a dinosaur threw out the first pitch using its mouth. Pretty sure Mario said it was a baby T Rex. It was all downhill from there.
Thursday’s game, 8:11 pm EDT, Zach Miner vs. some damn Wrong Sox or other. It would be nice to salvage one win from this series so we don’t have to slink out of town in complete disgrace. Also I would like a spacious air conditioned art studio with easy access to a cheap coffee shop, and a pet serval.