photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Oh you just knew it was only a matter of time before that title was typed.
Justin Verlander! He’s so inefficient that the batting cage pitching machine throws fewer pitches!
Justin Verlander! He’s so inefficient that major airlines offer him advice on how to improve!
Justin Verlander! He’s so inefficient that runaway evolutionary sexual selection has reached a dead end with him!
Justin Verlander! He’s so inefficient that Cadillac Escalades think his carbon footprint is too big!
Justin Verlander! He’s so inefficient that Dusty Baker is like, hmm, I must say that I deeply enjoy the throwing program they have this young man on.
INEFFICIENCY, YEAH! That’s it, I’m done, I’m spent.
Let’s not EVEN get into the fact that Magglio hit a two-run homer in the bottom of the 9th, so maybe if the bullpen hadn’t come in and skunkcabbaged it up, we might’ve been able to salvage this one. Whatever! I mean, who knows, maybe if Farnsworth doesn’t give up those two inherited runs, Maggs never makes that hit. You go back in time, you step on the butterfly, you come back and there’s a velociraptor with a mustache running the team and your infield is comprised entirely of pandas wearing steampunk teakettles as hats. THAT’S HOW IT WORKS, I’VE SEEN THE MOVIES.
Jeff Larish is back with the team. He went 1-for-4 tonight and stole a base. Rod pointed out that when he’s batting, he holds completely still until the pitcher releases the ball. Watch him next time you get a chance to do so, it’s pretty freaky. Most guys shuffle around, shift their hands, waggle the bat to some degree, but not Larish, he stands there like some kind of friggin’ statue. I don’t know how he times himself at the plate.
Maybe he has a metronome in his steampunk teakettle hat.
We just got swept by the most racist logo in baseball. Swallow that bitter pill, friends. It builds character.
Tomorrow is an offday. Use it wisely. Hug a kitten. Build up a store of happiness to tide you over. Friday we welcome the Royals to Detroit with open arms and poised velociraptor claws. 7:05 pm EDT. A rematch of the Zach Miner/Kyle Davies game we JUST SAW THIS PAST SATURDAY. We won 4-0 in that game, so expectations will be sky high. Go Tigers!