Justinefficient Verlander

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Oh you just knew it was only a matter of time before that title was typed.

Justin Verlander! He’s so inefficient that the batting cage pitching machine throws fewer pitches!
Justin Verlander! He’s so inefficient that major airlines offer him advice on how to improve!
Justin Verlander! He’s so inefficient that runaway evolutionary sexual selection has reached a dead end with him!
Justin Verlander! He’s so inefficient that Cadillac Escalades think his carbon footprint is too big!
Justin Verlander! He’s so inefficient that Dusty Baker is like, hmm, I must say that I deeply enjoy the throwing program they have this young man on.

INEFFICIENCY, YEAH! That’s it, I’m done, I’m spent.

Let’s not EVEN get into the fact that Magglio hit a two-run homer in the bottom of the 9th, so maybe if the bullpen hadn’t come in and skunkcabbaged it up, we might’ve been able to salvage this one. Whatever! I mean, who knows, maybe if Farnsworth doesn’t give up those two inherited runs, Maggs never makes that hit. You go back in time, you step on the butterfly, you come back and there’s a velociraptor with a mustache running the team and your infield is comprised entirely of pandas wearing steampunk teakettles as hats. THAT’S HOW IT WORKS, I’VE SEEN THE MOVIES.

Jeff Larish is back with the team. He went 1-for-4 tonight and stole a base. Rod pointed out that when he’s batting, he holds completely still until the pitcher releases the ball. Watch him next time you get a chance to do so, it’s pretty freaky. Most guys shuffle around, shift their hands, waggle the bat to some degree, but not Larish, he stands there like some kind of friggin’ statue. I don’t know how he times himself at the plate.

Maybe he has a metronome in his steampunk teakettle hat.

We just got swept by the most racist logo in baseball. Swallow that bitter pill, friends. It builds character.

Tomorrow is an offday. Use it wisely. Hug a kitten. Build up a store of happiness to tide you over. Friday we welcome the Royals to Detroit with open arms and poised velociraptor claws. 7:05 pm EDT. A rematch of the Zach Miner/Kyle Davies game we JUST SAW THIS PAST SATURDAY. We won 4-0 in that game, so expectations will be sky high. Go Tigers!


7 responses to “Justinefficient Verlander

  1. I don’t know what in the hell is going on in this post
    but I like it.

  2. ivantopumpyouup

    I think this is probably the best thing I’ve ever read. It calls for a manip of a velociraptor in a Tigers jersey and a steampunk teakettle hat.

  3. Pandas are not very well received as infielders. They make better corner outfielders. Pigeons, on the other hand, are natural shortshops.
    And if Dusty Baker would approve of any pitching regime that would be a huge, giant, enormous, super sign to do the exact opposite.

  4. Excellent Dusty Baker reference… I think my favorite “kill a mosquito when back in time, change things forward in time” was one of the Simpsons Halloween episodes where Homer accidentally makes a time machine from his toaster, and he does exactly that, and goes back and forth until his return to his “normal” time is as close to normal as possible… But one he passes up on is when he asks Marge for a donut, and she looks at him and says “a what?”, at which point Homer returns to prehistoric times again… But the view stays with Marge and the family as Marge says “Look, it’s raining!”, and there are donuts falling out of the sky outside the window.
    Yes, a description of a Simpsons episode from several years back is more interesting than anything Tigers-related at this point.
    You neglected to mention that our magic number to clinch the Royals into the AL Central cellar is 22, and we’ve got an opportunity to reduce that by as much as 6 over the weekend series.

  5. PfP, that’s all I can ask for. :)
    ivan, the hardest part will be the steampunk teakettle.
    David, I didn’t say we’d have an AWESOME infield of pandas. I just said they’d be there. Vital distinction.
    Jeff, of course, that most magical of numbers. How could I have been so forgetful? :P

  6. i seriously think leyland is trying to ruin verlander. what’s it been, the past 3 outings?… that he’s kept him in there WAY too long for WAY too many pitches. it’s very frustrating.
    and haha, “steampunk”. i’ve been hearing that word a lot lately.

  7. Steampunk is the aesthetic of our nostalgic times! or something.

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