this should have been the 'Marcus Thames is a hero and a man among boys' post

photo by Samara Pearlstein

Instead it is the ‘Ugh Kyle Farnsworth I want to punch you in the face’ post.

Uggggh. Kyle Farnsworth, I want to punch you in the face:

– with my fists
– with the Joe Louis fist sculpture
– with Marcus Thames’ fists

For those of you who didn’t see the game or didn’t see all of it because it got late and was boring, let me sum up what happened.

1. The game is boring for 6 innings. Kenny melts down late (and by late I mean… in the middle of the 5th inning), nobody is hitting the Dank Danks, Jim Thome hits his 539th home run. 7-0, Wrong Sox. Blah blah, the Tigers are who we thought they were, etc.

2. Mike Hessman hits a 7th inning two-run homer off of Linebrink. 7-2, Wrong Sox. Whatever.

3. Granderson starts off the 8th by homering off of Daniel Boone Logan. 7-3, Wrong Sox. Ennui still reigns supreme.

4. Polanco singles, Magglio singles, Miggy walks. 7-3, Wrong Sox.

5. The River Thames hits a GRAND BLEEPING SLAM off of Octavio Dotel. Improbably, 7-7, tie! Suddenly, dude, there’s a baseball game? I’m awake, I’m awake, honest! Marcus Thames is our savior. He is a protector of kittens and small, vulnerable rookies and all things fuzzy and wonderful. He is a large and important waterway in England. He has tied a game that the other team had already written off as a win.

6. Bobby Seay enters the game in the bottom of the 8th only to let a guy single, allow him to advance on a sac hit, and issue an intentional walk. 7-7. He manages to get two outs.

7. Kyle Farnsworth comes in and allows a single, thus loading the bases. 7-7, only one out needed.

8. Dewayne Wise hits a grand slam. 11-7, Wrong Sox.

9. I have a disturbingly vivid waking dream that involves fists, Kyle Farnsworth’s face, and the intersection of these elements.

Man, that sucked. I know that a lot of these games have sucked lately, but that sucked even more than usual, didn’t it?

The rain this weekend screwed up the Tigers’ scheduling something awful. Even with the double header on Sunday they have a spare game that needs to be made up at some point, and the two teams do not have any mutual off-days left. Can they make it up after the season officially ends? I thought they should have tried to play a triple-header on Sunday. Just start ’em off at 8 am and make ’em play until they’re all caught up. It would’ve been worth it just to see Edgar Renteria spontaneously bursting into tears of exhaustion, sobbing uncontrollably into his glove and having to be led gently off the field by a trainer sometime in the middle of the third game.

The Race to .500!

With the TWO losses this weekend, the Tigers still need 11 wins to reach the promised land, and only have 3 losses left to spare. Can we make it through the entire rest of the season with three or fewer losses? I say ‘no’, so I fear that the Race to .500 has already been lost.

*uncontrollable sobbing*

We’re off to Texas on Monday for an 8:05 pm game. Dontrelle Willis takes on Brandon McCarthy the Former Wrong Sock. Yes, you read that correctly. Dontrelle Willis is starting a game. HOLD ME. Go Tigers!


9 responses to “this should have been the 'Marcus Thames is a hero and a man among boys' post

  1. I’m sooooo glad I didn’t see the game. I don’t think I could have taken it after being abused by the Lions earlier.
    Between the Tigers dropping a twin bill, and the Lions doing what the Lions do, what an AWFUL day for Detroit sports…

  2. Big Al, I was at the Red Sox game, so I didn’t see the Lions game… but I did keep checking the score on my phone. Why? I have no idea. I think there’s something fundamentally wrong in my brain.
    Yosparky, watch, he’ll turn into Actually Kinda Good Farns next season. He has a history of doing that.
    Jeff, gotta give some love to the Joe Louis fist sculpture! It was the biggest and most Detroit fist I could think of. It is so damn sad that we’re trying to find things to root for that are BENEATH finishing at .500. What is this team? How did this happen??
    ivan, you get those, Marcus’ll take care of the face.
    Paul, ugh, that’s the frustrating thing. The Farns hasn’t been awful lately… he’s actually been quite serviceable. But when he goes wrong, he goes SO wrong. Like, of all the games to blow, this was one of the WORST. We came back from a 7-0 deficit! How could we go on to lose that game? Blech.

  3. Well, the good news is that the Farns will be someone else’s crash ‘n’ burn special next year – too bad we won’t get anything in return for him (except the possibility of seeing him melt down against us)…

  4. Wow, best post in a long time… Losing brings out the best in you (not that I’m a proponent of losing, generally, but at least all is not lost as long as we get columns like this one).
    I mean, seriously: 1) Joe Louis fist sculpture; 2) by late I mean the middle of the 5th inning; 3) correct usage of ‘ennui’; 4) alpha and omega/large and important waterway in England (got an actual LOL out of me… work neighbors are wondering about my sanity); 5) Dontrelle is starting – HOLD ME…
    I’ve given up on .500, too. I think the only reasonable thing left is to avoid 90 losses. Will require a 3-11 finish or better. Maybe they can manage that. Maybe not.

  5. I want to punch Kyle in the gonads.

  6. It was sad, very sad.
    I think I was in the same frame of mind as I was half watching the game and the Tiger season continue to spiral into oblivion.
    I looked up and smiled when Granderson hit the homerun but knew the gap was still far to big to get excited.
    Then suddenly I’m looking up and Thames is hitting the grand slam! Wow, we might actually pull this one out. That really shows that our kittens have some fight left in them.
    Then Farnsworth happens… I had to look it up to be sure but that was the first homerun he’d given up as a Tiger since his disasterous first week with the team. For some reason with relievers it’s always the disasters that you remember and rarely the good moments where not much occurs. *sigh*
    Oh well… keep fighting and hopefully next season doesn’t hurt so much. We need a fresh batch of kittens for the bullpen.

  7. I watched the whole Lions game, as well as most of the second game of the DHer. I clearly need an intervention.

  8. That second game against the White Sox was pure evil. Making me hopeful again just for Farnsworth to snuff out that flame like some discarded cigarette was cruel.

  9. ivan, there oughta be a helpline or something. We’re sick people, clearly.
    David, exactly. Like, the first loss of the day was, eh, just another loss. This one was AGONIZING, though.

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