Tigers sliding into the void of nothingness


photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

There were exactly TWO Tigers extra-base hits in this game, and they were both doubles, and neither came around to score. Ever. The Tigers only managed to get four hits overall in the entire game.

We made Zac(h/k) Greinke look like a golden god.

Freddy Garcia gave up five runs in five innings, including three home runs.

This game was so pathetic that it was over, start to finish, in two hours and seventeen minutes.

We are right now technically in last place in the AL Central. There are only two teams in the AL with worse percentages than us: the Orioles, and the hapless Mariners.

That is not someone’s idea of a sick joke. The Detroit Tigers are

IN LAST PLACE IN THE CENTRAL
BELOW THE ROYALS
IN LAST PLACE
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DIVISION.

On the one hand, this is clearly awful. On the other hand, though, I am almost amazed by it. I am nearly in awe. The idea that a team with the talent that the Tigers have (had?), a team with the expectations the Tigers had, is worse than the Kansas City Royals…. it is both compelling and repellent in that classic flaming train wreck kinda way.

Wednesday, 7:05 pm EDT, Nate Robertson vs. Brian Bannister vs. The Void. Go Tigers!

10 responses to “Tigers sliding into the void of nothingness

  1. I pointed this out to my dad in an e-mail:
    Wrong Sox:
    2005, 99-63, World Series champs
    2006, 90-72, missed playoff spot by 5 games
    2007, 72-90, finished just 3 games ahead of the Royals
    2008, 86-70 so far, and don’t need all that much to hold off the Twins yet.
    Tigers:
    2006, 95-67, went to World Series
    2007, 88-74, missed playoff spot by 6 games
    2008, 71-85 so far
    See a pattern?

  2. As a Royals fan, I can’t believe we may finish below the Tigers :)
    IN LAST PLACE IN THE CENTRAL
    BELOW THE TIGERS
    IN LAST PLACE
    AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DIVISION.
    Go Royals!

  3. That tiger. So sad.
    Like my SOUL when I watch Tigers games.
    :/
    Hey there, last-place-in-the-central. Haven’t seen you since . . . 2003.
    SOB.

  4. I stared at the standings and wondered how we had gotten to this point. Is it wrong to think your team is going to do well? Is this some sort of punishment for having expectations? I can’t take my eyes off this season; the season is like a horrible car accident.

  5. Jeff, I like the way you think. 2009 is in the bag!

  6. Uh Zach Grienke is 9th in the Al in era and like 5th in strikeouts- he’s kind of a good pitcher and has been-you might want to do some research- He’d be the freaking ace on that pathetic staff you have

  7. To be fair, Zack Greinke kind of is a god. And yet simultaneously, gbewing is a jackass.

  8. Jeff, we may fervently hope. :P
    Ryan, worry not, we are trying our level best to keep you guys from having to deal with that indignity this season.
    ivan, right? 2003 is not a baseball-year that I wanted to relive.
    David, I don’t know how we got here. I mean, I watched most of the games, I think, and I still am not quite sure.
    gbewing, I’m not quite sure what you’re objecting to there. I said we made him look like a golden god, and so he did in that game. The problem is……? (PS: Armando Galarraga has a better WHIP and a very similar ERA, and a cooler name and looks much hotter in a skimpy cha cha girl costume. DO SUM RESEARCH DOOD.)

  9. I totally did not think Armando could pull off skimpy cha cha girl costume, but he somehow managed to do so AND looked happy while doing it. While everyone else looked either uncomfortable, unhappy or kinda shifty. Or a combination of all three.
    Gbewing, your team has been dead last in the AL Central for five out of the last eight seasons. Isn’t it a little early for you to be getting a complex?

  10. I’m saying the same thing I said in April – my analysis has been spot on all year.

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