Roar of the Tigers midseason report card 2009

photo by Samara Pearlstein

Aw yeah it’s that time again, time to grade the team RotT-style. Verlander had a good game on Sunday, Clete and Inge went crazy with their bats, this should put you in the mood for the gloriousness that is to follow.


Jeremy Bonderman

Grade: n/a

Reason: deceased (zombie)

Freddy Dolsi

Grade: B

Reason: small sample size

Luke French

Grade: B+

Reason: OK so he also has a small sample size, bite me, I am grading him up based on his most recent start.

Arrrrrrrmando Galarrrrrrraga

Grade: C

Reason: Struggly struggles. There have been times where he looked like he was bouncing back to form, but there have also been plenty of times where he looked like he wouldn’t survive to see the light of another day with his own two eyeballs.

Edwin Jackson

Grade: A+

Reason: 1.06 WHIP, ’nuff said. Actually that’s not enough said. EDWIN JACKSON HAS HAD AN AMAZING FIRST HALF OF THROWING THE BASEBALL. How’s that for enough?

Brandon Lyon

Grade: B

Reason: I give him this grade mostly because of his cat-name, which, yea, has been as a boon unto us bloggers, and because I kind of want to pet his hair.

Zach Miner

Grade: C

Reason: He has not been that good. We didn’t really expect him to be that good, though.

Fu-Te Ni

Grade: B

Reason: Smaaaallll saaaammmplllle siiiiiiiize. But he says Ni!

Ryan Perry

Grade: C-

Reason: Toledo will do that to you.


Grade: A-

Reason: Probably a little generous, but he has managed to amass 8 wins before he is even old enough to legally purchase a handgun or down a fifth of vodka. Respect, yo.

Nate Robertson

Grade: n/a

Reason: deceased (evil malformed stunted twin growing in elbow)

Fernando Rodney

Grade: D+

Reason: I can’t actually fail Fernando, he still has not yet blown a save. But I think we all know what the stress of watching him pitch has done to my already-fragile little mind, OK, that is plenty of reason to dock him several gradepoints.

Bobby Seay

Grade: A

Reason: He has been quietly going about his business, doing pretty damn well without making much of a fuss, or having much of a fuss made over him. He’s pitching significantly better against lefties, as he ought to do. He’s got a WHIP of 1.00 and an ERA of 2.89. I am surprised and gratified.

Justin Verlander

Grade: A-

Reason: He has more wins than Edwin Jackson, but mostly because he gets more support. He doesn’t get to strike that minus from his score until he stops being so bloody stinkin’ inefficient. I am picking nits, but this is a peeve of mine, I take it personally.


Grade: n/a

Reason: deceased (zombie)


Grade: C

Reason: Maybe if he would stop being so catdamned in love with his own velocity and started being just a little bit in love with mixing pitches and learning control, you know, maybe that would get him out of the Cs.

Grading continues under the ‘read more’ link!



Grade: B

Reason: Not for his bat, that’s for sure. But I was SO CONCERNED about the catching situation this offseason, and Laird has really come through for us. He has been steady and stable and defensively adequate-to-good. He has not at any point in time buggered off to Columbia for no particular reason and missed a game, unlike CERTAIN OTHER CATCHERS. And his nickname is G-Money. I mean, come on now.

Dusty Ryan

Grade: C-

Reason: You know, I go whole weeks without remembering that Dusty Ryan is even on the team.


Miguel Cabrera

Grade: B+

Reason: Streaky McStreakerson. His overall numbers are still pretty damn good, but that’s in part because he’s been able to hide long-ish slumps in the insanely unrealistic stats he put up early in the season.

Adam Everett

Grade: B-

Reason: Eh. I am less forgiving of spectacularly bad hitting outside of catchers, but nobody at any point believed that Everett would be contributing with his bat. We mostly just wanted him to be Not Edgar Renteria, and he’s done that.

Brandon Inge

Grade: A

Reason: The only, ONLY reason he doesn’t get an A+ is because of the error total.

Placido Polanco

Grade: B

Reason: He has been hitting better lately, he’s still doin’ his thing at second, his cranium is still shaped by fascinating but mysterious forces beyond our realm of understanding.

Ramon Santiago

Grade: B+

Reason: Ramon Santiago is what a backup infielder should be, and that is not to be trifled with.


Josh Anderson

Grade: C+

Reason: Not the greatest at the plate, not the greatest on the basepaths, despite speed that should make him better there. I suppose he is lacking in instincts.

Curtis Granderson

Grade: A

Reason: Curtis Granderson is perfect, do you really need a reason? It is simply Fact.

Carlos Guillen

Grade: n/a

Reason: deceased (bodily decomposition)

Magglio Ordonez

Grade: C-

Reason: Power slump, haircut.

Ryan Raburn

Grade: B

Reason: Not too shabby. He’s versatile and has performed versatilely when asked. Maybe that shouldn’t be noteworthy, but this is MLB, land of spoiled oversize manchildren.

Clete Thomas

Grade: B-

Reason: He’s Raburn-ish but not as useful.


The River Thames

Grade: B+

Reason: Still with the power, and 9 homers for a guy who plays only infrequently ain’t bad at all.

Jeff Larish

Grade: C

Reason: Because of this.

The average of last year’s grades was a C+/B-. The average of this year’s grades is a solid B-. This is a good thing! It means that my level of ire with the team as a whole tends to normalize regardless of how relatively good or bad the team is; it doesn’t (much) matter that the Tigers were so much worse in 2008 than they are right now in 2009, because my levels of annoyance are relative to each year specifically, not one season compared to another.

Anyways. Monday night is the Home Run Derby! Nuts to Pujols and Howard, I say– Brandon Inge will be participating! Your rooting path is clear, folks.


10 responses to “Roar of the Tigers midseason report card 2009

  1. Way too harsh on Fernando. He has actually done the job, albeit without ever instilling confidence in Tigers’ fans. He merits a B+

  2. I agree the grade on Fernando is a bit harsh, but I wouldn’t go B+. B- at best. He flat-out scares the bejeebus out of anybody who’s paying attention. If Todd Jones was The Rollercoaster, he’s the new, improved rollercoaster, with more twists, turns, and death-defying stunts… And with no restraining devices — no, Fernando Rodney relies on centrifugal force to keep the passengers in the cars.
    Somehow, Weird Al’s “It’s All About the Pentiums” popped to mind upon seeing the graphic, specifically these lines: “They call me the king of the spreadsheets / Got ’em all printed out on my bedsheets”.

  3. I’d say Fernando deserves at least a B-/C+, but otherwise I’d have to agree with your results!
    Also free roast beef today!

  4. How do we know the growth in Nate is the evil twin? It could be like How to Get Ahead in Advertising!

  5. With the exception of the final month of 2008, Bobby Seay has been AMAZINGLY BRILLIANT as a Tiger. He is certainly worthy of a significant amount of additional fuss, in the form of photo-shopped pictures, Durbinesque nicknames, and miscellaneous accolades.
    Inge would be charged with fewer errors, if he didn’t play his position with such a high degree of difficulty. The fact that he only ranks 5th among MLB 3B in UZR calls the accuracy of UZR into question.

  6. Also, Bobby Seay makes up one half of the mighty Seay Lyon, a marvelous aquatic beast which I have yet to see adequately photoshopped. *ahem*

  7. I’m still waiting for the day where I confuse Luke French and Ryan Perry and call someone on our pitching staff “Luke Perry”.
    But, oh my cats. Bondo has been changed into a zombie. How will we ever be able to tell?
    In my head, I agree with the others that your assessment of Fernando may be overly harsh; he does seem to get the results. But my heart is with you. Watching Fernando Rodney pitch is dangerous to one’s mental health and state of being.

  8. Rodney deserves a solid C. He is great at pitching himself out of jams. The fact that he gets himself *into* those jams is why he doesn’t rate B or higher.

  9. Samara Pearlstein

    Ah ha ha, I knew you guys were gonna rag on me about Fernando. I am being unduly harsh, I know it, but Fernando is my pet peeve. That and Justin’s inefficiency. I never did claim that these were carefully reasoned and impartial grades, you know. ;)
    The SeayLyon is in the making. I am sketching it and deciding whether it wants to be a drawing or a ‘shop.

  10. Hi Samara:
    I think you need to show some love for Fernando Rodney. He’s been pretty good so far all things considered. Just my opinion.

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