September call-ups? For me?!

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Gosh, Muddy, you shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble! Let’s tear off that paper and have a look at what’s in the box…

Jeremy Bonderman

It’s always good to have unstoppable flesh-eating zombie death power on our side, so the addition of Bondo ought to be a welcome one. If the Wrong Sox get pushy in the last month of the season, we can just tell him that AJ Pierzynski has spicy, spicy brains, and he’ll go gnaw ’em right out. Let the fear consume you, AL Central.

His fastball is allegedly back (he was throwing 95ish in rehab starts) (so we are told), which, if true, would be something that we haven’t seen in literal years. Here’s a potentially terrifying thought, though: he’ll be pitching out of the bullpen, so EVERY inning, for him, will be like a first inning. The physical issues have ostensibly been defeated; can the same be said of the mental issues?

Eddie Bonine

The Bovine Kid returns! As you may or may not recall, he was the cat sent packing to make room for Aubrey Huff, who has not done much of anything since he threw dirt in Brandon Inge’s face, and that was before he was a Tiger. Now Bonine gets to come back and exact his revenge. I vote for filling Huff’s entire locker with dirt. As Huff digs out his belongings, a Jack-in-the-box-style toy cow with devil’s horns pops out and hits him in the nose. Don’t mess with the Bovine kid.

Casey Fien

Fien replaced Bonine the first time, back in July. He has the powers of a sea cucumber: the ability to change his body from a solid to a viscous liquid and back again at will, the ability to control his own buoyancy, and the ability to vomit up or poop out his own internal organs to frighten opposing teams. His blood is yellow. He will be a fine addition to the bullpen.

Dusty Ryan

It’s always nice to have extra catchers, but unfortunately for Dusty Ryan, there’s a little somethin’ on the Detroit rosters these days called Alex The Savior Avila. Avila brings a sort of glamor to the backup catcher role that Dusty Ryan can barely even imagine. Avila has a Good Story and an inability to remain clean-shaven for any length of time and his dad is a member of the front office, so… good luck with that, Dusty, you poor sod.

Wilkin Ramirez

A little outfielder, he was up briefly earlier this year when Magglio had some personal stuff that temporarily took him away from the team. He hasn’t been hitting super well in Toledo, but he’s got 17 home runs, and in his two games with the Tigers, he had one homer (his first and so far only big league hit was the homer, actually). He’s also pretty speedy. I guess that’s not a bad thing to have on the bench.

I shall call him Mr. Wilkin.

Brent Dlugach

Rod and Mario were pronouncing this one dih’LOO-gitch (short i sound on the ‘dih’), with that wee ‘dih’ almost elided away. He’s a shortstop. I hope he ends up playing in a nationally televised game at some point, because I look forward to hearing non-Detroit announcers crashing through his name like a drunk tiger in a china shop where all the china is actually made out of eggshells that are extra-thin because the birds that laid them were all eating DDT.

Armando Galarraga

Arrrrrrrrrmando needs no introduction. He also won’t be back up until Saturday, because he has to spend at least ten days with the kids. Them’s the rules.

Pretty good haul, right? Thanks again, Mud Hens! Hopefully we’ll be putting them all to good use soon enough.

7 responses to “September call-ups? For me?!

  1. You know, I will now be staring at the television with rapt attention, fervently praying for the appearance of Casey (the sea cucumber, as opposed to the SeayLyon)Fein…
    Oh, and because I can’t resist the temptation to throw a little more dirt Aubrey Huff’s way, he’s hitting a scintillating .088 (3-for-34) as a Tiger. Does this alleged RBI machine come with a warranty? Did Dave Dombrowski keep the receipt?
    Great post today!

  2. So, what you’re saying then, is that if A.J. Pierzynski and Jeremy Bonderman had office jobs, maybe Bondo would be in a position to be the narrator in:
    http://www.blinkx.com/video/re-your-brains/TPhWf5Gbz9v15ts7f1T-3g
    I particularly like the thought of Bondo smashing A.J. over the head with a shovel, but maybe that’s just me.
    Fien’s blood is yellow? Can vomit up internal organs? Now *THAT* would give the term “hurler” an entirely new meaning. I’d pay to see that.

  3. Wow! Did someone secretly videotape the last staff meeting at my job?? Think the narrator might be a little too literate for Bondo…

  4. On a completely unrelated note, my mother went to see Jeff Daniels sing last weekend, and she says he’s managed to rhyme something with Armando Galarraga. Unfortunately, she didn’t catch what that something was. I couldn’t hazard a guess, but it will be on CD eventually.

  5. Maybe he rhymed a line ending in “blog ya” with a line ending in “Galarraga”?

  6. “Volsunga Saga” sort of rhymes with “Gallarraga.” And Jeff Daniels probably loves the heroic literature of the Nordic peoples, because hey, who doesn’t?
    …sea cucumbers can do THAT? Ewww.

  7. Samara Pearlstein

    Sparky, I believe I have convinced myself that if Fien DOESN’T come out onto the mound and at least pretend to vomit up his insides to scare the opposition, I will be sorely disappointed… whether or not this is a sign of true madness is up to you… :P
    Jeff, I quite like the idea of anyone hitting Pierzynski over the head with a shovel… you know, uh, metaphorically. Or… just a little bit. Shovel love taps.
    Lydia, there are lots of words I can think of that would rhyme with Galarraga… but you’d have to say them with a Boston accent. ;)
    Matt, yeah, sea cucumbers are pretty gross/awesome. I have pet one before! But I haven’t pet Casey Fien.

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