the pitchers have superpowers, pt 1: Justin Verlander


illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

What is going on in the world of Tigers baseball? Nothing. Maybe there are rumors somewhere about the types of players you dig out of the sticky mud pile of broken baseball player limbs or whatever, but I don’t care. Call me when the Tigers acquire Albert Pujols.

Until then we are going to talk about the superpowers that the pitchers have. It is the logical step.

Justin Verlander throws balls of flame. Obviously. If you have ever watched him pitch you have seen that this is true. Without dissecting him it is hard to say exactly how this works, but obviously he has to have some sort of heat-resistant skin on his hands, or else he would suffer from crispy burnt hands all the time. His innate arm strength helps him to hurl the flaming missiles. He also has to generate the balls of fire somehow. Biochemistry, I reckon.

This is a useful superpower, easily applicable in his chosen profession. Not all superpowered pitchers are so lucky as to have a superpower that is a direct help in their time of pitching need.

Of course such a power has other uses as well. Justin Verlander will never be without a cooking fire if he is kidnapped by forest pirates and abandoned in the woods somewhere in the Upper Peninsula. And if Jim Leyland ever loses his lighter, so long as he hasn’t also lost Verlander, he will still be able to inhale his carcinogens.

Excellent party trick? Sure. But Verlander’s superpower is also a valuable asset in team bonding activities, and we all know how important team bonding is. Without it, how would we get puff-piece articles about team chemistry when nobody has anything in particular to say about the actual performance of the team on the field?

The government would like to get their hands on Verlander, to see if they could harness his power for evil governmental purposes, but since Mike Ilitch owns him fair and square, he has avoided the vivisection table so far. There is still a danger of kidnap from less scrupulous organizations (and the ever-dangerous forest pirates), so the Tigers are careful to keep some muscle around whenever Verlander and the other superpowered pitchers take to the road. Usually this means Paws. You don’t see Paws on the road because he keeps a low profile to better protect his charges.

It could be a lonely existence for Verlander, having superpowers in Major League Baseball, but as you shall soon see, he is far from the only superpowered pitcher on the Tigers.

15 responses to “the pitchers have superpowers, pt 1: Justin Verlander

  1. ivantopumpyouup

    I LOVE THIS. AND YOU FOR MAKING IT.

  2. This. Is. Wonderful.

    The s’mores cartoon fucking killed me.

  3. Wow Sam. You totally out-did yourself with this one. I <3 it so very much. You're truly an artistic genius and I bow to your illustration skillz.

    Can you make a Dontrelle with the superpowers of disappearance? I mean, it does keep in line with reality. :)

  4. mmmmm, s’mores. :)

    Clearly his ability to throw fire accounts for the importance of working quickly. Limits the potential for burns.

  5. Hee, thanks guys. I dunno about Dontrelle… we’ll see. I’m trying to do pitchers who actually, yanno, PITCH first… ;)

  6. OMG S’MORES. This is pretty much the greatest thing I have ever seen, except for cartoon!Ugie, which will always win all contests between cartoon drawings and other cartoon drawings.

  7. If Inge was to be a “superhero” I’d say he was the Bionic Man mostly since he has new knees…or maybe they gave him the Wolverine adamantium treatment while he was under.

    I’ll think of more while at work

  8. I can’t wait to find out which Tiger pitcher speaks in the “justice voice” a la Batman.

    – Been reading (and loving) RotT for a while, but thought I should pipe up and say this is wonderful stuff.

  9. Not only can he throw balls of flame, but judging by Magglio at s’more night, there are some mysterious hair-regenerating powers at work here as well

  10. This is MADE OF WIN. (I, um, might actually have an entire fictional setting that revolves around magical baseball, in which the main character is a fireball-throwing pitcher.)

  11. @dragonflyball

    I’d read it

  12. ivantopumpyouup

    @dragonflyball: I’d read it too.

  13. Wow… I love these! You are outdoing yourself this winter! Now if only the Tigers can outdo themselves just as much…!

  14. Pingback: Tigers Tracks » Blog Archive » Twins Add Thome

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