the pitchers have superpowers, pt 2: Rick Porcello


illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Still nothing happening on the Tiger front. That’s OK. We can keep busy over here.

Rick Porcello travels through time. A much more subtle superpower than that of Verlander, but obvious when you start to really think about it. How else could he have such a youthful countenance, but at the same time display such veteran-esque poise and pitching ability during games? Obviously he has been travelling back and forth in time, learning from the pitching masters, logging training hours without affecting his natural timeline. It is the only explanation that makes sense.

How does FredFred do this? Easy: portals. He can use his powers to access the spacetime continuum in a way normal people cannot, and he can open portals to other points in the continuum at will. Of course it is difficult to maintain such a portal, but FredFred only needs to keep it open and stable for the amount of time it takes for him to step through it. The transition from one point in spacetime to another is practically instantaneous. This is because of Science.

So far he has managed to use his powers to his pitching advantage, but there are risks involved. There is of course always the danger of exposure to disease organisms against which FredFred has no natural defense, and many of the times to which he may travel are dangerous in other, more overt ways (great wars, volcanos, ninjas, dinosaurs, apocalyptic radiation, etc). Then of course there is the potential mental anguish– the spacetime continuum is so constructed that no matter how much he might want to, FredFred cannot change the outcome of the 2006 World Series. Even if he goes back and puts himself on the team, the ultimate result will be the same. Some points are fixed in time and cannot be changed, even if the details around them differ slightly. Harsh. But that’s life.

Of course it’s not all doom and gloom, bouncing around the timestream. There are some perks beyond the obvious pitching benefits.

Unlike Verlander (and most of the other superpowered pitchers), FredFred does not need much protection from potential kidnapping agents, because if he needs to escape he can always just open a portal to some other where/when. Even he can derive comfort from Paws’ road protection, though. For all of his time travelling, FredFred is still very young, and what kid doesn’t love a giant overprotective teddy bear? Or loltiger, as the case may be.

12 responses to “the pitchers have superpowers, pt 2: Rick Porcello

  1. many hats for many eras—DOH! At first glance I’m thinking ERA and couldn’t figure it out. era does not equal ERA, does it?

  2. Ha ha, no, but it could… get your ERA under 2.00 and they let you wear a top hat on the field.

  3. This is super-power is much better than my original theory: Rick’s sinker has similar effects to a black hole, where time slows down or even stops at certain proximity. I could explain the youthful appearance, but not the veteran poise.

  4. I don’t know how you do it, but you 1-upped yourself again! I’m am so very impressed with how you constructed this one. And the Dr. Who reference? EPIC WIN! Whatever it is that you do to come up with this stuff, please keep doing it! :D

  5. Quadruple bonus points for a Dr. Who reference on the week of the finale. Well played.

  6. FredFred: He blinded me with science

  7. Rick Pocello, the man of many hats :-D Great blog, as usual!

  8. i’d love to see fredfred in old timey baseball uniforms. in sam-drawing version, naturally.

  9. awesome.

    I can’t believe he’s 21 now. they grow up so fast.

  10. “I have seen the future, and it has me in it being good at baseball.”

    Awesome line. He should make that his personal motto.

  11. Is that our old friend Spazzosaurus I see in the time travel Drawing? Better watch out, Freddie!!

  12. I’ve played around with time portals too. The problem I kept finding was that the Earth, along with the solar system and the whole galaxy, are all moving. And they are all moving very, very, very fast, and kind of unpredictably. I went to go check out Bob Feller’s fastball this one time, and it turned out the entire frikkin solar system had bounced to the top of the Milky Way’s ring.

    Fortunately I happened to pass a giant, laser-shooting space polar bear who was heading to Alaska, and let me hitch a ride, but it was still a really long flight back from Alaska and I missed the game.

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