the pitchers have superpowers, pt 5: Nate Robertson


illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Another painfully obvious superpower, oh well.

Nate Robertson blasts beams of power through his eyes. But only when he has his Pitching Goggles on, of course. This is because the Pitching Goggle focus and aim the energy that builds up in his eyeballs. Without the Goggles, this energy just dissipates harmlessly, but with the Goggles Nate can put it to actual use.

Although this power may clearly be used in an offensive sense, it has many other, less violent applications. For instance, when everyone on the team is injured and the trainer is very busy, Nate can use his eyebeams to seal shut some of the many, many bandages which will necessarily encircle his feeble, broken body. As this is a tricky operation that often requires both hands to be free, something that is not always possible when bandaging ones own limbs, Nate has an obvious advantage here, and his ability to do this will free up the trainer to attend to other Tigers.

Indeed, there are many potential uses for Nate’s power even when it is not dialed up to its full potential strength. Some, as in the example detailed above, are very practical in nature. Others may be more subtly intimidating.

Indeed, who needs stencils and grounds-crews to decorate the pitcher’s mound when you have the ability to burn your name into it all on your own?

Nate is unusual among the Tigers, because while this is his primary superpower, it is not his only superpower! His secondary power is much less useful, but that does not prevent Nate from exercising its abilities as often as he possibly can. He has the remarkable ability to control his facial hair with his mind. This allows him to encourage its growth at rates most ballplayers can only imagine, and, even more extraordinary, he can direct the pattern of its growth, allowing him to experiment with any number of facial hair configurations. He has dabbled in everything from the basic to the wildly fanciful, all with the ease of a few pointed thoughts.

Now THAT is power.

11 responses to “the pitchers have superpowers, pt 5: Nate Robertson

  1. Oh god that last picture. I want it on my wall. Or not, because it’s Nate Robertson, but you know. ;)

  2. Territorial marking!!! Bahahahahahahahahaha!!!

  3. Is that how he got rid of those lumps on his arm? He burned them off with his eyes?

    Sweet.

  4. “Sealing his own bandages”. lol. That is exactly how Real Nate (as compared to Cartoon Nate) looks! I can actually see him doing that in my mind, now!

  5. And males marking their territory can be very intimidating, indeed. :)

    Love the last picture – “the many beard configurations of Nate Robertson.”

  6. The last pic looks like a cross between a Warhol piece and the beginning of the Brady Bunch. I LOVE it!

  7. Love, love, love how the clean-shaven Nate looks shocked — SHOCKED, I tell you — by his own clean-shaven-ness. Brilliant as per usual.

  8. Nice entry. The third picture made me crack up with Nate trying to mark his Territory to tell the Indians (or Racist Logos as you call them) who’s boss.

  9. FrogMan, it’s ok, I understand completely.

    Colt, it is a Ballplayer Manchild necessity!

    Rogo, monstrous teratomic mutations vs. superpowered eyebeams. A FIGHT FOR THE AGES.

    heitk1le, it’s funny because it’s true! Ha HA! Wait no, bandages. Pitchers. :(

    Baroque, so long as he sticks to marking territory with the eyebeams…

    h20, lol, uh… sure, we’ll go with that. ;)

    Jeff, EXACTLY! I love that someone picked up on that.

    Lauren, someone’s gotta let those Racist Logos know, this is Detroit, it is not theirs!

  10. David O. (13194013)

    Those lumps in Nate’s arm signed a deal with the Mets and are currently scheduled to start in short season A ball during the 2010 season.

    I started calling the Cleveland Professional Baseball Club the Naughty Logos.

  11. love the blog. Are you male or female? cuz your name is samara. :) thx

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