stupid, annoyed illustration by Samara Pearlstein
I am not even going to try to be impartial about this. Take that as a given.
I honestly did not want to write about this over here until/unless something definitive happened involving the Tigers, but the rumors have been flying like a flock of smog-deranged city pigeons who all just spotted a single crust of bread at the same time. I just wanted to get this out there in case, I don’t know, something got done while I was sleeping or working or whatever. That said:
I do not want! Johnny Damon! On this team! No! No to Johnny Damon! DO NOT WANT.
hate strongly dislike Johnny Damon. His idiot schtick got old while he was still in Boston, and it has not improved with time. He hasn’t been able to throw a ball for a number of years now, and he will be 36 years old this coming season. That arm ain’t gonna magically improve itself, kids and kittens. Sure, he has a high tolerance for pain and will keep playing through quite a lot in the way of injuries, but at this point I would start worrying about his ability to play in the outfield every day. I suppose he could DH sometimes, but poor old Carlos Guillen is going to need that DH slot an awful lot himself, and I’m sure Magglio will need it sometimes…
On the Tigers, Damon would not hit for nearly as much power as he did in the past couple of years. Yankee Stadium has that stupid short porch, while Comerica has vast, yawning tracts of land, which will gladly swallow up any Damonic attempts to pop the ball out of the park. Also: OLD. Maybe he can still hit for a respectable average, but, OLD, and his hitting is unlikely to improve.
I have been COMPLETELY disgusted by the way Scott Boras has handled Damon’s offseason. ‘He likes octopus and the Red Wings! That should make you Detroit-types love him, because I’m Scott Boras and I have a very low opinion of your intelligence!’ ‘We’re getting a ton of interest, even though up ’til today almost no one had expressed any interest at all because of my exorbitant and unrealistic contract demands!’ ‘I’m going to coyly talk about the many, many teams who have contacted us, even though the nature of internet media/communication and the internet presence of many baseball teams today means that this statement can be immediately debunked, but that’s fine, because I’m Scott Boras and I think you’re all too freakin’ stupid to realize that!’ ‘Durp durp durrrr dur-durp!’
Is it unfair to judge Damon by his agent? Well, he’s the one who hired the trollbeast, so whatever, fairness! I squint my judgemental little eyes in his general direction.
I don’t even know why I’m bothering to try to rationalize this. I’m from Massachusetts, I am strongly anti-Damon for the obvious reasons. I don’t want to deal with him and his trailing parade of shenanigans, I don’t want to deal with the potential trauma of watching him try to grow that Yankee mustache back. I don’t want to scream frantically at the TV as baserunner after baserunner takes off on him.
It was not enough that THE WORST THING happened? Removing Curtis Granderson was like tearing a huge gaping hole in my battered little fan heart; adding Johnny Damon would be like dumping a generous handful of rock salt into that hole. Hell, Mr. Dombrowski, cut a cat a break now and then, willya?
ETA: The latest rumor has the Tigers offering $14 million and 2 years. Ugh. UGH.