illustration by Samara Pearlstein
We are starting to get close to the Real Season, which means that it is time to start getting REALLY EXCITED about baseball! The inevitably overpriced tickets, the even more overpriced mediocre-to-bad food, the terrible hat hair, putting on the jerseys of our favorite players who have been traded, the mockery of other divisions, the anticipation of the miserably oppressive heat of July… ahhhhh yes.
Or you could be like me and get SUPER WICKED EXCITED for a full season of FU-TE NI!
Here is my Dream for the 2010 season:
–The Tigers get a strong start out of the gate. The first three series are against AL Central teams so this will set them up nicely. Someone also explains to me why the entire first home series is made up of 1:05pm starts.
–Brandon Inge’s bionic knees are so wonderful that he is able to defy gravity at third with ease throughout the entire season. He finishes the season with a .295/.390/.558 line and does not at any point shave his head.
–FU-TE NI IS SPECTACULAR AND GETS LOTS OF PLAYING TIME AND ALL OF IT IS GOOD
–Justin Verlander splits the Cy Young award with FredFred. They agree to not force a winner-determining vote to promote the importance of sharing to baseball’s youngest fans.
–Jim Leyland quits smoking but swears much more often.
–Dontrelle Willis returns to a starting pitcher role, goes the entire season without getting hurt, and is a perfectly serviceable anchor to the back end of the Tigers’ rotation.
–FU-TE NI GOES TO THE ALL STAR GAME. Brandon Inge accompanies him.
–Miguel Cabrera and Gerald Laird both successfully and completely give up alcohol. Their lives are so much better without it that they have great seasons: Cabrera breaks half the batting records in the books, and G-Money brings his batting average up to right around league average.
–Joel Zumaya remains healthy for an entire season. Papa Grande Valverde begins grooming him for a future closing role, and also teaches him about responsibility and successful business ventures.
–Adam Everett films a series of shampoo commercials, which are subsequently played often on FSN Detroit.
–Austin Jackson and Scott Sizemore both prove to be 100% ready to play in the big leagues.
–Scott Pickens is allowed to bring Wallace into Comerica. Wallace hangs out in the bullpen during games and becomes a massive favorite of fans and players both.
–The Yankees decide they really want Traitor Damon again and are willing to do a straight-up TDamon-for-Granderson deal.
–A DEDICATED AND RIGHTEOUS GROUP OF FANS CREATES A ‘NI IS NEAT’ SECTION IN THE STANDS AND THAT SECTION IS ALWAYS FULL AND ENTHUSIASTIC AND THEY PUMP UP THE TEAM SO WELL WITH THEIR GOOD CHEER THAT THE TIGERS WIN MORE GAMES
–Someone forgets to finish production on the April in the D ads, so they are never aired.
–WHO’S YOUR TIGER?! makes its triumphant return as the official team slogan.
–Magglio grows his hair back out, even more lush and glorious than before.
–The Tigers win the division handily, and they win all the games RotT attends this season.