dreams of Fu-Te Ni and other such pleasantries

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

We are starting to get close to the Real Season, which means that it is time to start getting REALLY EXCITED about baseball! The inevitably overpriced tickets, the even more overpriced mediocre-to-bad food, the terrible hat hair, putting on the jerseys of our favorite players who have been traded, the mockery of other divisions, the anticipation of the miserably oppressive heat of July… ahhhhh yes.

Or you could be like me and get SUPER WICKED EXCITED for a full season of FU-TE NI!

Here is my Dream for the 2010 season:

–The Tigers get a strong start out of the gate. The first three series are against AL Central teams so this will set them up nicely. Someone also explains to me why the entire first home series is made up of 1:05pm starts.

–Brandon Inge’s bionic knees are so wonderful that he is able to defy gravity at third with ease throughout the entire season. He finishes the season with a .295/.390/.558 line and does not at any point shave his head.


–Justin Verlander splits the Cy Young award with FredFred. They agree to not force a winner-determining vote to promote the importance of sharing to baseball’s youngest fans.

–Jim Leyland quits smoking but swears much more often.

–Dontrelle Willis returns to a starting pitcher role, goes the entire season without getting hurt, and is a perfectly serviceable anchor to the back end of the Tigers’ rotation.

–FU-TE NI GOES TO THE ALL STAR GAME. Brandon Inge accompanies him.

–Miguel Cabrera and Gerald Laird both successfully and completely give up alcohol. Their lives are so much better without it that they have great seasons: Cabrera breaks half the batting records in the books, and G-Money brings his batting average up to right around league average.

–Joel Zumaya remains healthy for an entire season. Papa Grande Valverde begins grooming him for a future closing role, and also teaches him about responsibility and successful business ventures.

–Adam Everett films a series of shampoo commercials, which are subsequently played often on FSN Detroit.

–Austin Jackson and Scott Sizemore both prove to be 100% ready to play in the big leagues.

–Scott Pickens is allowed to bring Wallace into Comerica. Wallace hangs out in the bullpen during games and becomes a massive favorite of fans and players both.

–The Yankees decide they really want Traitor Damon again and are willing to do a straight-up TDamon-for-Granderson deal.


–Someone forgets to finish production on the April in the D ads, so they are never aired.

–WHO’S YOUR TIGER?! makes its triumphant return as the official team slogan.

–Magglio grows his hair back out, even more lush and glorious than before.

–The Tigers win the division handily, and they win all the games RotT attends this season.


18 responses to “dreams of Fu-Te Ni and other such pleasantries

  1. what I wouldn’t give for some good “who’s your tiger”…

  2. I share many of these dreams. I would like to add “Spazzosaurus developing a taste for every other team in the division” and “everyone in the lineup batting .290 or better” and “the whole team makes the All Star team, so the 2010 All Star game is just the Tigers versus some random NL guys”.

  3. …and consequently Ni becomes so popular both here and across the globe that, inevitably, Ni-kipedia must be created to track his information and various trivia for his hungry fan base.

    (Did you know he inspired Little Richard’s hit song Tutti Fu-Te? No, you did not. Because, no Ni-kipedia…).

  4. the ghost of matt nokes

    “Someone also explains to me why the entire first home series is made up of 1:05pm starts.”

    Have you ever lived in Michigan in early April? When they added the wildcard they moved the start of the season up 2 weeks. The first week of April in Michigan is still winter. You can have the first series on the road but they eventually have to come home for the home opener. If you play the rest of that series and the next one at 7:05, you’re realistically looking at it being in the low 30s when the game STARTS. they draw about 10k that first week because of weather and school not being out. If you’re going to draw crappy, might as well make them day games when you might get lucky and get temps in the high 40s, low 50s.

    and who doesn’t love day baseball to pass the time while at work?

  5. Isaac Stephenson

    I just love to chant FU-TE NI

    He’s my Tiger!

  6. I just want to be on the record as saying that I have heard Jim Leyland’s singing voice, and I am 10,000% in favor of his quitting smoking to preserve it. Also, who could not love more Leyland cursing? It’s positively Un-American.

  7. lol! Any and all of these sound good to me!

  8. Matt Nokes’ ghost made a way better point that I ever would have about 1:05 start times, so we’ll go with that. I don’t understand why the Tigers don’t start the season on the road in Warm Places such as Texas or Tampa or other non-snowy regions. The current system makes about as much sense as a non-swearing Jim Leyland.

  9. We should all add the World Famous Fu-Te Ni to the All Star ballot (and your #1 Tiger Mr. Inge as well). I was thinking the ” Ni’s New-Bees” for his fan section

  10. Long as we’re dreamin’…

    TDamon hits .485 w/15 HRs in April & becomes Sam’s Tiger. When the Yanks offer Grandy to get him back, we make ’em sweeten the deal; they finally cave & throw in Jeter for Everett. (Magglio takes over Adam’s shampoo ads.) Heartbroken at being traded from his beloved new home, Damon bats .073 the rest of the way, retires in September & moves to Saugatuck. Ilitch brings him back to throw out the first pitch in WS Game 1, then Leyland sings the Anthem. After Justin, FredFred & D-Train each throw no-hitters, the outclassed NL champs concede a 3-game sweep. A joyous Fu-Te leads the parade down Woodward, riding Wallace. A former mayor, doing his community service, follows behind with a pooper-scooper. And in New York, new GM Randy Smith vows to turn things around.

    Get real? Why? –Isn’t this what March is all about?

  11. You certainly do dream big, Samara.

    I mean, Laird becoming a league average hitter? Crazy talk.

  12. kb, I know, right? :/

    PfP, those are also worthy dreams. May all our dreams come truuuuuue.

    Coleman, and lo, Nikipedia shall bring the important information of the world to the people, with Fu-Te Ni’s smiling face, and all shall be well on the internet.

    the ghost of matt nokes, well, yeah, I have been in Michigan in April… I have also religiously attended U of M baseball games, which start even earlier in the year and are often late afternoon and occasionally evening start times… and I now live in eastern MA, which is, yanno, on a giant windy ocean and all that. We don’t usually get snow here by April, but it is definitely wretchedly cold by nightfall. The Sox are playing night games…. Chicago plays night games early… just seems kinda weird.

    Isaac Stephenson, it is indeed a gloriously chant-able name! Good cadence.

    Swampy, YES, I remember the singing sensation. That was so unexpected! Sounds NOTHING like his speaking voice.

    heitk1le, if they do not all come to pass, I shall be grievously disappointed.

    Rob, it makes sense in that they don’t want to lose out on all that gate revenue early in the season, and it would annoy fans of cold-region teams, ’cause they wouldn’t get to see games in person, but, like, Marlins non-fans would. However, since the NCAA baseball season starts with a bunch of tournaments in February, that IS exactly what they do– play for a long time in warm states, so by the time they have their home opener they’ve actually been playing for quite a while.

    ‘Course they come home in March, so it’s still nasty out, but it’s better than trying to play baseball in Michigan in February…

    Lauren, ha ha, I probably will write him in. I don’t care if you can’t write in relievers or whatever, I WILL DO IT.

    pocoloco, ha ha ha, I don’t want Jeter though, he’s been saturated with Yankeestench for far too long. Fu-Te Ni riding Wallace down Woodward would pretty much make my entire life, though…

    Trysdor, well, I wanted to keep these pretty realistic… I mean, I do dream big, but we can’t go TOO crazy, now.

  13. Like this dreamin’! but let Jim have his smokes!

  14. I love the April in the D song!

  15. I agree, ‘Who’s your Tiger’ needs to come back almost as much as Magg’s silky tresses. And as for Jim Leyland singing- the video seems to have disappeared from the internets! I see lots of references to it but no working video. How can the Freep rob us of this vitally important piece of recent Tigers history??

    Samara, can you use your sway as a Very Important Blogger to get the powers that be at the Freep to put it back online?

  16. Walleyeman, I mean, I enjoy them as a prop, but I want him to be around for as long as possible, so…

    Katie, I do not even know what to say. I am speechless. My flabber is gasted. Impossible.

    Siani, grrr, they usually leave image links active… I know video takes up way more space, but that’s a classic. If I can figure out who to email I totally WILL, not that I think it will do any good, ha ha.

  17. Is that some sort of splitter he’s throwing there? I have no idea why I even noticed.

  18. Ha, yeah. Erm. He doesn’t really throw a splitter iirc, so we’ll just call it a kind of sloppy slider.

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