The Tigers do not understand how to hold onto a baseball, King Felix is King Felix; results are what you expect.

photo by Samara Pearlstein

Well, that was terrible.

~*~Who was terrible today?~*~

Bondo was terrible! Four innings, nine hits, ten runs (eight earned). One hilariously bad pickoff throw error, a ball that actually skipped under the runner’s armpit. Ha HA! Spork me in the eye! He unraveled the second time through the lineup, and when the errors started kicking in. I don’t know if I want to hope that it was all mental, or hope that it was mechanical. Either way we’re bricked!

Brad Thomas was terrible! Sure, the box score says he gave up one run in three innings, but that is a lie Lie LIE! He came in with the bases loaded, and all of those runners scored. All of them. I’m pretty sure there was no grand slam but beyond that I don’t really know what happened, because I had stopped paying attention and was trying to draw a cartoon of Jonathan Papelbon’s face. It’s harder than you would think.

Gerald Laird and Scott Sizemore were terrible! Laird did hit a double, and Sizemore did have an RBI, but they also both had ERRORS, and those errors were instrumental in the disintegration of all things Tiger-good in the game. WHAT ARE A DEFENSE? HOW TO HOLD BASE BALL? WHERE IS GLOVE?

Adam Everett was terrible! He was 0-for-4 with two strikeouts. He was the only player on the team to go 0-for-4 today. The two Ks were just the spiky, terrible cherries on top of the terrible sundae.

‘Most everyone was awful! Whatever, I am just disgusted with this game. Why did I stay up to watch this entire mess? Oh right, because I’m insane and shouldn’t be trusted with TV remotes. I could kill someone with one of those things in a fit of madness. You just never know.

Not terrible: Austin Jackson, Miguel Cabrera, Eddie Bonine. Everyone else can go to Hell Ohio.


12 responses to “The Tigers do not understand how to hold onto a baseball, King Felix is King Felix; results are what you expect.

  1. For once, I’m glad that a baseball game conflicted with the Red Wings’ attempts to make me scream my lungs out and then die of heart failure. Ugh ugh ugh.

    “Spork in the eye,” indeed. :(

  2. At least you weren’t there. At the game. Wearing your Tigers stuff. Sitting next to a man who clapped loudly, seemingly right in your ear, making it actually hurt.

    That was me.

  3. I was there as well, watching from behind the Tigers bullpen, standing next to some very drunk, very obnoxious hecklers. OMG. But, hey, I talked to Joel Zumaya! So that’s what I’m taking away from this experience. Please, Tigers, suck less when I’m there tonight.

  4. I liked the part where they all piled out of a tiny car, one after another, and they just kept coming even though the care was tiny, haha, how do they DO that?

  5. (Um, by “care” I mean “car” of course…eh…)

  6. I’ve never been so happy that my cable provider moved Fox Sports Detroit Plus up to the digital tier (which I don’t get).

  7. I know where you can get a titanium spork. You know, in case you want to get one that doesn’t rust.

  8. Baroque, yeah, I ended up being happy to miss a good chunk of Tigers baseball this weekend… I saw the one win, so that was nice, but the rest I did quite well without.

    Kristina, :( . Sorry. That’s always the worst. At least you got to spend time in one of the nicer ballparks?

    Brenna, Seattle hecklers? Blech. Stop ruining my positive impression of your city, fools. And what’d you say to Zoom??

    Coleman, lol. But also, ow.

    heitk1le, so you can get FSND, but not the Plus? Weird. It probably won’t be an issue once the dreaded April in the D is over, though, right?

    HawkeyeEdward, I may need that. You know, if things continue the way they have been going.

  9. @Samara, Seattle is still pretty wonderful, and I’m willing to believe that the hecklers I saw/heard were more the exception than the rule. The first time they got really bad I was, unfortunately, standing next to them behind the Tigers bullpen and when they yelled to get Zumaya’s attention he turned around, looked right at me, and was like, “You know these guys?” I was like, “No, no, I swear!” and he laughed. Seriously, the Friday game was PACKED, and it seemed like everyone was wasted.

    Then he came over to the fence and talked to people for a little bit since he knew he wasn’t going in. I told him I was glad he was healthy (finally), and he concurred (obviously). Then I asked him whether he was going to get to pitch this weekend and he was like, “Man, not tonight, they only put me in when we’re winning.” Then I told him that, seriously, most Mariners fans aren’t like those guys who’d been yelling at him all night, and he said, “It’s okay, it’s part of the game, and it’s pretty funny.” And then I was like, “Well, okay, bye,” and met up with a friend for drinks in Pioneer Square.

    So that’s my long-winded story. OMG, Joel Zumaya, he made my birthday weekend. Cabrera’s game-winning 3-run homer didn’t hurt, either.

  10. Pretty standard wrap-up of an awful experience, but an excellent Ohio-bash at the end made the post. Well played.

  11. Brenna, aww, that’s quality Zoom interaction! I assume you had Tigers gear on?

    And the hecklers are just surprising to me. IDK, I went to two Tigers games in Seattle last season and everyone was cool. We even saw Dave Dombrowski out for his morning jog on our way to the aquarium the day of the first game, and he was being happily ignored by everyone (minus us; we stared like creepsters, naturally).

    It’s almost like… you’re Seattle Mariners fans. You’re AL West. Why would you even care enough about the Tigers to heckle them?? Save it for the Rally Monkeys or whatever.

    Swampy, I do what I can. An Ohio-bash a day is good for the soul, you know.

  12. @Samara, I actually wasn’t wearing any Tigers gear on Friday night, although I rectified that fact on Saturday and Sunday. And I feel exactly the same way about Mariners hecklers. I mean, really? Then again, people seemed to be super extra drunk on Friday night, so maybe that partially explains it.

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