photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Miguel Cabrera turned 27 years old today! On Saturday, Ryan Raburn turned 29! Happy birthday, kittens! I hope you got lots of awesome presents and cake, although Miggy said that he didn’t get anything from his teammates because they’re all cheap. You should be ashamed of yourself with that zillion-dollar contract, Magglio.
At least Miggy got a win for his birthday. That’s something, even if he had to do most of it himself, driving home three of the Tigers’ four runs with one swing of his mighty birthday bat. Poor Ryan Raburn went 0-for-4 on his birthday, and they lost. Celebrate today, Ryan! Miggy will share his cake with you.
–I didn’t see Saturday’s game, therefore it does not exist. I’m sorry, has Justin Verlander pitched yet? No? He can’t have pitched, that would mean a combination of Ryan Rowland-Smith and the Seattle bullpen out-pitched him, and I think we all know that is not a possible thing. I guess they’ll just be skipping his spot in the rotation this time around. Oh well! Onwards.
–Best thing about Ryan Rowland-Smith is his Twitter handle. Hyphen18? Adorkable. He also uses exclamation points a lot, which makes him seem incredibly hyper.
–Seriously, poor Rhino. Batting .188/.381/.250, reinforcing that line on his birthday. And he doesn’t get to play the next day to try to make up for it. Hang in there, li’l guy.
–Snell. How is that hard to say? SNELL, pronounced exactly like you would think. Rod Allen cannot stop calling him “Ian Schnell“. I don’t even know where he’s getting that pronunciation from, but it is consistent.
–I note that Alex Avila has stopped fighting the inevitable and is letting his beard grow out. Of course he might just be doing it for hockey or something, but his face is clearly incapable of remaining clean-shaven for more than five minutes post-razor anyways; he may as well learn to rock it.
–I also notice that Phil Coke got a haircut, although he is for now at least keeping the facial hair (and PLEASE keep the facial hair, Mr. Coke, I beg you on behalf of cartoonists everywhere). I guess the teasing got to be a bit much.
With Coke’s Fu Manchu and hair style resembling a mullet, the Tigers also acquired a new target for ribbing out in the bullpen.
“We need to perm his hair, man,” reliever Joel Zumaya, after breaking into laughter, said prior to a recent Tigers home game. “Me and (Eddie) Bonine were joking around a bit. I heard it’s kind of a touchy subject, his hair. We’re going to buy (wigs) and come out in the bullpen with this long hair.”
Coke responded to his teammate, who fashions a buzz cut: “Well, he’s just hatin’ — just hatin’.”
Scott DeCamp/Kalamazoo Gazette, via Mlive.com
Don’t ever worry about what Zoom thinks when it comes to facial hair styling and tonsorial dressing, Phil Coke. Just look at what he has on HIS chin. I mean, honestly.
–Starting to feel a little less worried about Max Scherzer. It’s still early, of course, the league doesn’t really know him yet, etc, but he’s not such a terrifying total unknown to us Tigers fans anymore, and that’s nice. I like to have a minimal amount of complete panic in my day.
–The Tigers head out to Anaheim/LA/whatever next. Fernando’s with the Rally Monkeys. Prepare yourselves.
–I have not yet come across a commercial so disgusting that I turned off a baseball game to avoid it. But those new Labatt Blue Light ‘Refreshment Duo’ ads might be the ones to do it. I know I joke a lot about things like the overplayed Little Caesar’s ads and the April in the D ads and even the uncomfortable undertones in the Foundation for a Better Life ads, all that, but those Labatt Blue commercials honestly, truly make me want to put the remote through the screen. Or completely dissociate myself from the entire baseball fandom demographic which apparently makes an ad like that acceptable.
They are not cute, they are not funny, and I don’t really care if this makes some of you think I’m a humorless feminazi or whatever eyerollingly stupid term you want to use. Not cool, Labatt. Not cool.