Miguel Cabrera’s birthday win

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Miguel Cabrera turned 27 years old today! On Saturday, Ryan Raburn turned 29! Happy birthday, kittens! I hope you got lots of awesome presents and cake, although Miggy said that he didn’t get anything from his teammates because they’re all cheap. You should be ashamed of yourself with that zillion-dollar contract, Magglio.

At least Miggy got a win for his birthday. That’s something, even if he had to do most of it himself, driving home three of the Tigers’ four runs with one swing of his mighty birthday bat. Poor Ryan Raburn went 0-for-4 on his birthday, and they lost. Celebrate today, Ryan! Miggy will share his cake with you.


–I didn’t see Saturday’s game, therefore it does not exist. I’m sorry, has Justin Verlander pitched yet? No? He can’t have pitched, that would mean a combination of Ryan Rowland-Smith and the Seattle bullpen out-pitched him, and I think we all know that is not a possible thing. I guess they’ll just be skipping his spot in the rotation this time around. Oh well! Onwards.

–Best thing about Ryan Rowland-Smith is his Twitter handle. Hyphen18? Adorkable. He also uses exclamation points a lot, which makes him seem incredibly hyper.

–Seriously, poor Rhino. Batting .188/.381/.250, reinforcing that line on his birthday. And he doesn’t get to play the next day to try to make up for it. Hang in there, li’l guy.

–Snell. How is that hard to say? SNELL, pronounced exactly like you would think. Rod Allen cannot stop calling him “Ian Schnell“. I don’t even know where he’s getting that pronunciation from, but it is consistent.

–I note that Alex Avila has stopped fighting the inevitable and is letting his beard grow out. Of course he might just be doing it for hockey or something, but his face is clearly incapable of remaining clean-shaven for more than five minutes post-razor anyways; he may as well learn to rock it.

–I also notice that Phil Coke got a haircut, although he is for now at least keeping the facial hair (and PLEASE keep the facial hair, Mr. Coke, I beg you on behalf of cartoonists everywhere). I guess the teasing got to be a bit much.

With Coke’s Fu Manchu and hair style resembling a mullet, the Tigers also acquired a new target for ribbing out in the bullpen.

“We need to perm his hair, man,” reliever Joel Zumaya, after breaking into laughter, said prior to a recent Tigers home game. “Me and (Eddie) Bonine were joking around a bit. I heard it’s kind of a touchy subject, his hair. We’re going to buy (wigs) and come out in the bullpen with this long hair.”

Coke responded to his teammate, who fashions a buzz cut: “Well, he’s just hatin’ — just hatin’.”
Scott DeCamp/Kalamazoo Gazette, via Mlive.com

Don’t ever worry about what Zoom thinks when it comes to facial hair styling and tonsorial dressing, Phil Coke. Just look at what he has on HIS chin. I mean, honestly.

–Starting to feel a little less worried about Max Scherzer. It’s still early, of course, the league doesn’t really know him yet, etc, but he’s not such a terrifying total unknown to us Tigers fans anymore, and that’s nice. I like to have a minimal amount of complete panic in my day.

–The Tigers head out to Anaheim/LA/whatever next. Fernando’s with the Rally Monkeys. Prepare yourselves.

–I have not yet come across a commercial so disgusting that I turned off a baseball game to avoid it. But those new Labatt Blue Light ‘Refreshment Duo’ ads might be the ones to do it. I know I joke a lot about things like the overplayed Little Caesar’s ads and the April in the D ads and even the uncomfortable undertones in the Foundation for a Better Life ads, all that, but those Labatt Blue commercials honestly, truly make me want to put the remote through the screen. Or completely dissociate myself from the entire baseball fandom demographic which apparently makes an ad like that acceptable.

They are not cute, they are not funny, and I don’t really care if this makes some of you think I’m a humorless feminazi or whatever eyerollingly stupid term you want to use. Not cool, Labatt. Not cool.

21 responses to “Miguel Cabrera’s birthday win

  1. Happy Birthday to Miguel (and Happy belated birthday to Ryan). Phil Coke looks very nice with his new ‘do. I turn the channel when those Labatt ads come on, too. Maybe that cake up there is a Paws Special for our Tiger birthday boys.

  2. David O. (13194013)

    I miss Coke’s Kenny Powers look.

  3. ivantopumpyouup

    I hate those Labatt commercials too, Sam. Ugh.

  4. I’m seriously bummed Phil Coke cut his hair. I kind of wish I had seats by the bullpen next weekend – I’m going to Arlington – so I could tell him to grow it back out. perhaps I’ll wander over there sometime during one of the games.

  5. I’m a Detroitian, and yet stranded In a Western desert and therefore reduced to watching ye olde englishers via MLB.com…so, what ARE these vile Molson commercials? And who makes them, because, seriously, is there a more inoffensive creature on the planet called Earth than a Canadian?

    (and feminazi? Seriously, who would dare, they will have to deal with me if they do, I swear to Rod…)

  6. Lauren, of course it’s a Paws special. It’s got his head(s) on it, after all!

    David O, he did say at the end of the article that he regretted the haircut… so he might be growing it back.

    ivan, ugh is right. :/

    Alli, go for it. Tell him The Internet supports his experiments in excessive and distinctive fuzz.

    Coleman, not sure who makes them. Search ‘labatt blue refreshment duo’, you’ll find a fair sampling of them. But for once you can thank MLB… you’re probably not missing anything you’d really want to see.

  7. Alli: but, but…Phil Coke is ALSO bummed that he cut his hair, so doesn’t that make him twice as awesome? I mean, he feels your pain; it is also a pain in himself.

    And isn’t it obvious in some sort of cosmic way that he is Not A Yankee, and isn’t the hair issue more or less a symbolical representation of this–isn’t he really saying, oh I had a Yankee moment, and cut my hair, and now I am SO ashamed?

    “It’s not a sensitive subject,” Coke said about his ’do. “I’m a little irritated with myself for actually cutting it the other day. I shouldn’t have cut it — it looked way better. Now it sucks.”


  8. Ya Coleman, the BYB post is referencing the same article I linked. :P

  9. Sam, I also HATE those commercials! Glad I’m not the only one …

  10. Labatt’s finally found a way to make commercials as bad as their beer!
    Keep striving, Labatt’s – you might still have some tiny shards of classlessness to scrape off the bottom of the ad barrel!

  11. speaking of haircuts….why won’t Miggy get one?! as luscious as his curls are, i’m ready for him to go back to hot miggy. this clown phase is not working for me!!

  12. I am sooo glad I am not alone on my thoughts regarding the refreshing duo on the Labatts commercials. Children are watching baseball! Women are watching baseball! They are pushing the envelope, I tell ya.
    I like Coke’s new look. The long hair on him kinda gave me the creeps. Some men can pull off that look (like Lincecom)…but for many, it made me shudder.
    I love the birthday cake! Marble cake taking on the look of Tiger stripes! Amazing!

  13. AlltheWine: Hahaha, I have to agree with the clown look that Miggy has going for him. My daughter just adores his mop. But it ain’t working for me….

  14. You haven’t seen the ads my local Deja Vu has started airing during Tigers games. Seriously, don’t they realize families might possibly be watching a Sunday afternoon baseball game together?

  15. The LaBatt commercials, I think, are supposed to be a kind of parody of sexualized females in beer commercials, but somehow they under-did it to the point that it now basically a “buy our beer and you will be in porno” message. Axe body spray went with this same kind of approach, with similar effect. Whatever the intention, it comes across like that guy you knew in college who said stuff so outrageous that he had to be kidding, but you weren’t really sure he was kidding and kind of thought he really actually believed that stuff.

    The commercial that bothers me more is the Miller Lite-in-an-aluminum-can thing where the man loves a litany of commercial attributes of his beer can, but not his girlfriend. What’s the message here? That if you drink this beer you will be the kind of man who strings along a girl who thinks you’re her soul-mate? Drink Miller Lite, and be that guy.

  16. I told a friend that I might have to punch someone if I have to watch the Labbatt commercials all season.

  17. this is making me want to see the Labatt commercial more, not less. Sorry, I gotta google it.

  18. I was at the series in Seattle this past weekend and said to Coke- “So, did you go out this morning and get a haircut?” “Yep,” he said, “I was tired of it being in my eyes.” May his mullet RIP.
    On another note- LOVE your blog- your sense of humor fits mine to a tee- Thanks!

  19. Mas lindo Miguel.Cabrera..

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