the bullpen amazes, Traitor Damon spits upon his old compatriots

photo by Samara Pearlstein

Dontrelle needs to stop being such a sicky kitty. I feel like we just had a start where he was scratched because of illness… in fact I think it was against the Rangers, because I remember saying something about the Rangers being the epicenter of all food poisoning in MLB this year and they had PROBABLY poisoned Dontrelle. Obviously this was bad but since it was also a measure of how much they feared him and his wily pitching ways, it was also kind of good, you know?

So far as I know there have not been any outbreaks of food poisoning on the Yankees, though. This doesn’t put them in the clear, of course; they simply may have poisoned Dontrelle in more subtle ways. A tasteless emetic powder slipped into his dinner… a sack of tree pollen emptied into his bedroom vents at night… Dontrelle wakes up the next morning sniffly of nose and queasy of stomach, he thinks it’s just flu-like symptoms, he never even suspects. Not like with the Rangers. The Rangers just give you some of their tainted chicken. Don’t ever eat chicken prepared by the Rangers.

Anyways, the point is that today was Dontrelle’s start, but Dontrelle was unable to make it and pitching duties devolved to the bullpen.

Brad Thomas got the ‘start’; he gave up two runs in three innings, throwing 68 pitches (Verlander-esque). Then came Eddie Knuckles Bonine, who allowed a whole bunch of baserunners (including two that were inherited by Zoom) but somehow got out of trouble without giving up any runs. He also got the technical Win. Joel Zumaya came in and gave up two runs, although one was a runner that Coke inherited and let score. Phil Coke came in for a couple of outs. Ryan Perry threw a few pitches. Papa Grande closed it out with a 1-2-3 save.

It was neither tidy nor efficient, but it WAS enough (barely) for a win. Against the Yankees. The Yankees, who were on a streak of a billion wins in a row or whatever, who kept winning despite the fact that their entire team is falling apart at the bodily seams, which is absolute proof of the fact that they operate on black magick and evil. Let’s be honest, nothing else could explain their performance thus far, and since Curtis Granderson is on the DL there is nobody in that clubhouse willing to stand up against these stygian horrors. The Detroit bullpen is brave.

Also brave: Brennan Boesch, who braved the wrath of the Yankees to hit the heck outta the baseball, right in their Yankee faces. He went 2-for-3 with one walk, zero Ks, and 3 RBI. One of those hits was a triple. Boone Logan was all, “Dude, what is a Brennan Boesch?” and then Boesch hit that triple and Logan was all, “Oh. I see.” Then he hung his head in shame, shame, shame.

As for Traitor Damon, he hit a solo shot off of Sergio Mitre. He was DHing today, so the Yankees were forced to look at the thing he does well (hitting) while being denied the opponent-pleasure of watching him do the thing he does so very poorly (fielding). Crafty Tigers. So dedicated to the noble idea of causing Yankees the greatest pain possible.

That solo homer turned out to be huge, as the game ended up being a 5-4 Tigers win. Traitor Damon did not just spit in the faces of his former teammates, he stomped on their toes with cleats and farted in their gloves and THEN he spit on them. I was so torn by this development. On the one paw, anything that annoys the Yankees is a good thing. On the other paw, it’s TD. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Whatever. A win is a win, especially against the Yanks. We’ll take ’em.


8 responses to “the bullpen amazes, Traitor Damon spits upon his old compatriots

  1. And Magglio’s sliding catch! For sure saved the game. \o/

    Also, it sure is nice to see a closer have a 1-2-3 inning.

  2. “Boone Logan was all, “Dude, what is a Brennan Boesch?” and then Boesch hit that triple and Logan was all, “Oh. I see.” Then he hung his head in shame, shame, shame.”

    Hee Hee.

    Despite the Yankees’ dirty tricks, when you have truth, justice, and the American way on your side, Jeter, A-Rod and Teixeira’s black magic does not stand a chance. Even with TD. And without CG.

  3. Pingback: Welcome: Grabow sore; may pitch tonight | Outside the Clubhouse

  4. jumping on the Boeschwagon! Carlos take your time. In fact take all season.

  5. TigersFan81371

    So Samara, what are the chances that you’ll forgive Damon for past decisions and embrace him as a Tiger? Granted, he’s not here long term, but isn’t time to accept him as one of ours while he’s here?

    • What is the size of a lepton? Take that, divide it by the distance from the top of Mount Everest to the bottom of the Marianas Trench, and then you will begin to approximate the chances that he will be forgiven.


  6. TigersFan81371

    I don’t know what a lepton is, but I’m making a sad face.

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