If you don’t vote for Miguel Cabrera, you are what is wrong with the world.


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Vote Miguel Cabrera into the 2010 All Star game. It is the Right Thing to Do. In fact, it is the only right thing you can do. If you vote for anyone else, you are actively working to destroy everything that is good in the world, like chocolate and kittens and sunshine and the innocent trust of a child. Do you want to work to destroy those things? DO YOU REALLY? I mean, kittens.

Currently leading the voting at first base is Mark Teixeira, who is batting .211/.326/.363 with 8 home runs. Yes, you read that correctly, this rubber-faced trollbeast, hitting a weaksauce .211, is LEADING THE VOTING. Brandon Inge is doing better than that and Brandon Inge is having a wretched season at the plate so far. Teixeira is currently ahead of Justin Morneau AND Billy Butler AND Miguel Cabrera, and everyone else in the entire first-base-playing world, simply because he wraps his rump in pinstripes. This is a wrongness. It is a mockery of Major League Baseball and the entire All Star system. (Not that the system isn’t already a mockery of itself, but you know, worse than usual, etc.)

If you vote for Miguel Cabrera, you are making some strides, however small, towards righting this wrong. And if we get EVERYONE to vote for Miguel Cabrera, why, lots of small strides can add up to one gigantic stomp that crushes Mark Teixeira under its Heel of Justice. YES. FOR BASEBALL!

If you refrain from voting at all, know that your apathy is just as damaging. Inaction can be as harmful as the wrong action, kids and kittens, never forget that.

Again, you can vote right over here. You can (and should) vote up to 25 times per email address, up until midnight on July 1. There are no Tigers leading in any categories. Only YOU can stop forest fires fix this voting mess!

Other cats:

Adam Everett will be designated for assignment on Tuesday. The Tigers will bring up Danny Worth to take his place. They’ve had a lot of patience for Everett’s offensive shortcomings, so I’m not sure why the plug is being pulled right now, but it is, and we all must live with the impending absence of Adam Everett’s hair from our immediate lives. I suppose Ramon Santiago will get some more playing time if Worth ends up being shaky. But this is apparently the year of starting kittens at the big league level and giving them a ton of at-bats and just hoping it works out for the best. Thus far we’re 1-and-1 on that (Jackson, yes; Sizemore, no), so.

Jim Leyland has an interesting bucket list.

Leyland said he never met John Wooden, the legendary UCLA men’s basketball coach who died on Friday at age 99 — but when asked who he’d most like to meet, that he hasn’t yet, it wasn’t a sports figure.

Barbra Streisand,” he said. “I almost introduced myself to her one time when she was at a game in Los Angeles, but I didn’t have the nerve. I’ve just always admired her as a singer and entertainer. I thought she was the greatest of all time.

“She’s on my bucket list. But I’m doubt I’m on hers.”
Tom Gage/Detroit News

I… ok. We do already know that Mr. Leyland can sing shockingly, unexpectedly well; perhaps this is related?

Dontrelle’s first game as a Diamondback was glorious. He threw six shutout innings. He singled and scored the first run of the game (greenlighted on a ball hit to the outfield, he ended up sliding headfirst across home, just barely beating out the throw). He got the win. Oh, my Dontrelle! I wipe a happy/sad tear of pride from my eye.

12 responses to “If you don’t vote for Miguel Cabrera, you are what is wrong with the world.

  1. I’d say Boesch improves the whole “throw the kittens into the proverbial big league fire” record to 2-1, but I guess he could use a little more time up there to prove it.

    I’ll bet we see Adam (his BYB nickname has always been Opie, I always forget that not everyone is aware of that) coaching with Detroit sometime.

  2. ivantopumpyouup

    I’m trying to imagine Leyland being all starstruck by Barbra Streisand and I just can’t do it.

    I do think this revelation calls for a cartoon though.

  3. Cabrera richly deserves an all star berth. He has a legitimate shot at the triple crown this season.

  4. I’m voting for Miguel! I’m voting as hard as I can!

    It took me a second to ‘get’ that background… I was thinking, that’s an awfully ‘fancy’ background for a ballplayer… then I looked closer… and I loled.

  5. HawkeyeEdward

    I went to the ballgame on Sunday (and once again marvelled at how many Tiger fans there are in KC) and watched Bondo throw batting practice. That was not entertaining.

    But… I was there with my 3-year-old daughter, who loves going to the ballpark and doesn’t care about the score, as long as she can clap with the music. That WAS entertaining.

  6. Alli, absolutely right. I was just thinking of our Starter Pack rookies.

    ivan, oh yes, there will be a cartoon at some point. It does make a kind of sense… that his Must Meet person isn’t an athlete, anyways. He probably can meet/has met any ballplayer he wants. Barbra Streisand is a little more difficult… magical and unattainable… :D

    Leshnock, word. I know Morneau has good numbers buuuut I believe Cabrera is better all ’round. If AS voters weren’t INSANE, he’d be leading the vote right now. Grr.

    FrogMan, ha ha, it is pretty fancy, but it’s an appropriately-themed fancy!

    HawkeyeEdward, that was me at that age… game, what game? Just give me a coloring book and my crayons, let me sit in the seat and draw. Hee.

  7. “Rubber faced trollbeast”.
    Oh Samara and her descriptions. They cannot be beat.
    I like Adam Everett. He has cute hair. He seems very, very kind. But I’m glad he’s gone. :-/

  8. I will miss Adam Everett as a person. But something needed to give in the bottom third of this lineup. From what I was reading this weekend, it sounds like Leyland’s also thinking that Avila’s going to be the everyday catcher with Laird as his backup, for the time being.

    But, “Yay, Dontrelle!” (Adam, feel free to go forth and do just as well… As long as nobody from the AL Central picks you up on waivers, that is.)

    I have not used my 25 All-Star votes yet, but I will definitely do it soon.

  9. although to be fair the MLB makes it very hard to casts my 25 votes (a day! you can do it every day! for the baby Cabreras!). Such a hassle.

  10. First, I’d like to say that if that background in the ‘toon was actual wallpaper, I’d be likely to buy it.

    Second, I could just see Leyland with an iPod jamming out to some “Don’t Rain on my Parade”. (My favorite Babs song)

    Third, I’m sorry to see Adam such a mench. I wish him all the best.

  11. I usually never vote b/c I’m a Pirates fan and it can get a bit depressing looking at all of the players that I’ll never get to cheer for. But, this Teixeira stuff is ridiculous! You don’t get to keep calling it a slump after 2 months.

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