the new litter of Tiger cubs


draft day cuddling by Samara Pearlstein

Ah yes, Draft Time. When ballplayers 99% of us have never heard of or seen before suddenly become relevant to our team-tied interests. None of the Tigers’ initial picks have been Big 10 or UConn players, so I will be totally honest with you, blog readers: I don’t know anything about these kids. I could run to go look at their college team pages (for the ones who are even old enough to HAVE college pages) and pretend that gives me fabulous insight into their upside even though all I’ve seen of their ability to play is MAYBE a compilation of poorly-filmed clips on Youtube.

Who needs that? Instead I’m just going to do what RotT does best anyways, which is make a bunch of stuff up.

Nick Castellanos
44th overall (1st compensation round), 3B, righty, 6’4, 18 yrs old, Archbishop McCarthy High School (Florida)

Edward McCarthy was the Archbishop of Miami from 1977 to 1994. In 1987 he had to plead with people to leave a speech the Pope was making (in Miami) due to the lightning rule, not unlike the regular proceedings at Florida Marlins games. He was a friend to and supporter of immigrant Cubans and Haitians in the Miami area. Unfortunately he got his start in Ohio, at the Archdiocese of Cincinnati.

Nick Castellanos went to the high school named after Archbishop McCarthy, so we may expect him to be friendly with foreign-born players, calm under pressure, but untrustworthy in some fundamental, low-level, Ohioan way.

Chance Ruffin
48th overall (1st compensation round), RHP, 6’0, almost 22 yrs old, Texas

Ruffin rhymes with ‘puffin’. Actually it might be pronounced ‘Roofin’, not ‘ruff-in’, I have no idea, but I want it to rhyme with ‘puffin’ so I am making a declaration of puffin-rhymation here. Great. Just so we’re all on the same page.

Drew Smyly
68th overall (2nd round), LHP, 6’3, 21 yrs old, Arkansas

True to his name, Drew Smyly has an immaculate grin. His teeth are blindingly white, which will go nicely with a home Tigers uniform. Elementary school taunts stunted his smile growth as a youth, but at Arkansas he regained confidence in his chompers and began a rigorous training schedule of awkward photos, first meetings, and other situations where a big smile is important but may be hard to naturally obtain. In this way he hoped to retrain his smiling instincts, so that he would be ready by the time he had to face big league cameras (video and still).

Rob Brantly
100th pick overall (3rd round), C, bats lefty, 6’2, almost 21, University of California (San Diego)

catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher

Cole Green
133rd pick overall (4th round), RHP, 6’1, 21 yrs old, Texas

A mix of collard and kale, Cole Green is the cabbagiest player to ever be drafted by the Detroit Tigers. In fact he may be the cabbagiest player to ever be drafted in the entire history of Major League Baseball.

Alexander Burgos
163rd overall (5th round), LHP, 5’11, 19 years old, State College of Florida Manatee-Sarasota

I’m sorry, there is a college in a place (or combination of places) called ‘Manatee-Sarasota’. How am I supposed to take this kid seriously? How can anyone? How did anyone going to school there keep from losing it every day? “Oh yeah, we can meet up after practice, we just have to swing by my house IN MANATEE first. Yes, that’s right, I’m living in manatee. What?”

John Holaday
193rd overall (6th round), C, 6’0, 23 yrs old, Texas Christian

catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher catcher

a few brief notes from the game

–MAGGLIO OBLIQUE NOOOOOOO

–Nice to see Brennan Boesch struggling early, but not losing his mind at the plate. He stuck with it and it paid off as soon as the Tigers got into the Wrong Sox bullpen. I’m, like, all kinds of encouraged.

–In the stands was a gentleman wearing a giant Tigers jersey, with ALLEN 12 written in duct tape on the back. Rod and Mario could not contain themselves, they were reduced to hysterical laughter and squeaky speech. After he had mostly gotten his laughter under control, Rod said, quietly, “It’s the thought that counts.”

–Ryan LaMarre (Michigan) was taken 62nd overall by the Reds. Matthew Miller (Michigan) was taken 159th overall by the Brewers. Jonathan Roof (MSU) was taken 256th overall by the Rangers. Alan Oaks (Michigan) was taken 257th overall by the Marlins. Tyler Burgoon (Michigan) was taken 312th overall by the Mariners. Chris Berset (Michigan) was taken 607th overall by the Reds. Matthew Skirving (Eastern Michigan) was taken 897th overall by the Pirates. I believe that’s all the Michigan college guys so far.

–In the late rounds, the Tigers drafted Jim Leyland’s kid. He’s a catcher. The Wrong Sox drafted Ozzie Guillen’s kid. Poor Rick Knapp had a kid waiting to hear whether or not he had been drafted. There’s one more day of draftapalooza, hang in there, kid-Knapp!

11 responses to “the new litter of Tiger cubs

  1. So much squee in that drawing! Awww!

  2. Awesome image!

  3. All I want to say is, I like the name:

    Chance Ruffin.

  4. Kid Knapp? Oh. My. God. That’s too good for words.

  5. Excellent riffing on Archbishop McCarthy there, but I have some Ohio friends who insist that Cincinnati is merely the northernmost outpost of Kentucky, and they do not consider it to be Ohioan.

  6. HawkeyeEdward

    I will keep said Ohio warning in mind, as I’m dating a woman who grew up in Ohio. So if things go wrong, I’ll have an idea why.

  7. There is so much cuddles in that picture it makes me want to squeal.

  8. the tigers took a Chance on Ruffin the Puffin? why wasn’t that a headline??

  9. When I saw we’d drafted a guy named Drew Smyly, I thought to myself that I can’t WAIT until he’s in uniform. I would love to have a team that has a guy named Smyly on it.

  10. Clearly everyone would love to be surrounded by adorable baby tigers… another reason to be jealous of Dave Dombrowski’s job. :)

    Jules, allthewine, Chance Ruffin is pretty spectacular, name-wise. I am fervently hoping that he’s equally spectacular in terms of his ability, because I want that name to be available for regular blogging abuse.

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