the epic Pirates/Tigers rivalry resumes

Pirate Tigers by Samara Pearlstein

Ha HA! We take your symbols of power and we use them to further our own agenda!

I’m actually starting to care about the Pirates when interleague rolls around. Why? We are not rivals with Pittsburgh (in baseball)! Your transparent attempts at interleague marketing does not work on me, MLB! They have no effect! I don’t care! I don’t! I don’t! But I doooooo….. nnnooooooo, they win again, the rat badgers. Ugh. I have been played.

Anyways, any chance we get to gaze into the bottomless black pits of Ryan Doumit’s eyes is a chance I am happy to take (seriously, check them out sometime, it’s freaky).


–Why were the Pirates wearing their black jerseys? This is not a home game for you, Pirates. Put on those grays.

–Why did Jim Leyland allow Justin Verlander to start the 8th inning? Just to infuriate and baffle me? He had thrown 98 pitches going into the inning, the Tigers were up 6-1, and Phil Coke was already warmed up. Of course Verlander put the first two guys he faced on base, allowing Andrew McCutchen to double and issuing a four-pitch walk (!!) to Neil Walker; Coke later allowed McCutchen to score. Why, Mr. Leyland? WHY?

–Why was Don Kelly batting third? My brother suspects that Leyland does not actually look at the roster, he just slots in replacements wherever the original batter was supposed to go and calls it a day. Magglio was supposed to be hitting third, but his oblique is still eating his side, so Kelly slid into that spot. I believe that this is also being done specifically to infuriate and baffle me.


–Neil Walker (the Pirates’ third baseman) is Don Kelly’s brother-in-law. Kelly married Walker’s sister. Rod and Mario spent some time wondering whether or not Walker would be invited over to the Kelly household for a meal.

–Austin Jackson was 0-for-5, but he did make a nice running, over-the-shoulder catch. Not quite the OOOOOOHHHH JACKSON! Armando perfect game catch, but it was close. I enjoy seeing his defense hold up even if he’s having a hard time at the plate.

–Brandon Inge was 3-for-4 with a double. Brennan Boesch was 2-for-4 with a homer. Alex Avila was 3-for-3. Ramon Santiago had a homer. Yet Miguel Cabrera was 0-for-4. Go figure.

–Totally still consider Dana Eveland an Oakland A in my mind. At one point we flipped back from another station and I saw that he was in and I thought we had accidentally flipped to the Oakland game. I was confused for even longer than I ought to have been because Oakland has those awful and inexplicable black jerseys, so from the back he looked the same as he would have if he was still an A. I don’t know what’s wrong with my brain.

–One of my favorite baseball stories is still the one about Ross Ohlendorf interning for the Department of Agriculture because he thought it would be a good experience. This is not something that happened when he was in college. We’re talking about THIS PAST OFFSEASON. He had already been a big leaguer for over 2 years. This article about it has a pleasingly dorky picture of Ohlendorf in a suit, which you should look at for maximum story enjoyment.

10 responses to “the epic Pirates/Tigers rivalry resumes

  1. ivantopumpyouup

    My friend Jeff and I were at that game today. It was great! :D WOOOOOOOO. My throat is sore from screaming. I have nothing useful to contribute to your post. WOOOOOOOOO.

  2. Awesome illustration, heeheehee! Doumit’s eyes scared the crap out of me. Yikes.

  3. ivantopumpyouup

    //My brother suspects that Leyland does not actually look at the roster, he just slots in replacements wherever the original batter was supposed to go and calls it a day.//

    I think that’s basically it. I remember him slotting Vance into the third spot for Pudge in Chicago a few years ago, and everyone going, “. . . Bzuh?” Even Vance.

  4. I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned it before, but I hate Don Kelly more than I hate leukemia in kittens.

    The next time Jimbo tries to put him in the #3 spot, I’m going to consider driving to Detroit and stabbing him in the temple with a screwdriver.

    Sorry…where are my pills…

  5. Sad to say folks Kelly is better than Raburn, Id take Kelly over Raburn anyday !! At this pace Kelly could take Inge’s spot next year, if the Tigers chose not to sign Inge. Because as much as I like Inge, he make to much money for a 230 avg hitter. Great D but poor bat !

  6. the above posters are correct. Leyland has done this the past two years: If a regular sits out that day, the bench player takes there spot in the batting order. its why Ryan F-ing Raburn was batting third agains the White sox this week. It directly cost them a chance to score in the 7th or 8th on Thursday. Call me old fashioned, but guys hitting below .200 should not be in the top half of the order.

    leyland really baffles sometimes. this concept of not disrupting the other players by moving them around is absurd. other than batting leadoff, there is no spot where you change your approach at the plate.

    • I hadn’t really noticed Leyland doing this until this season (although I’ll take your word that he’s done it in the past too). The Raburn batting third against the White Sox thing last week just blew my mind, though.

      I kept repeating out loud, “Raburn… Third… Raburn… Third… He’s not Magglio! He’s Raburn!” until I drove everybody nuts.

  7. Wow, Ryan Doumit’s eyes. Wow.

  8. After seeing that photo illustration, I’m convinced that if this whole baseball thing doesn’t work out for Brandon Inge, he could find work as an extra in the next Pirates of Caribbean movie. I mean, he even has the tattoos!


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