Roar of the Tigers midseason report card 2010

photo by Samara Pearlstein

Time for another one of these, oh the excitement, oh the wonder! Oh the arbitrary, not-necessarily-logic-based nature of my grading decisions!


Jeremy Bonderman
Grade: B-
Reason: He has been mediocre. I’m grading him up because he’s already pitched more innings this year than he did in the previous two seasons– COMBINED.

Eddie Bonine
Grade: B+
Reason: I keep forgetting he’s on the team. This could be considered a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you view his position in the bullpen.

Phil Coke
Grade: A
Reason: He’s been good on the mound, he’s been hilarious off of it. Anyone who can rock those sideburns is OK by me.

Armando Galarraga
Grade: B
Reason: He got screwed.

Enrique Gonzalez
Grade: C+
Reason: Small sample size.

Fu-Te Ni
Grade: C+
Reason: My head says D, but my heart says A.

Andy Oliver
Grade: C-
Reason: Small sample size also, but not in a good way. Not graded down further because he’s just a kitten.

Ryan Perry
Grade: B-
Reason: I wonder what percentage of his struggles can be attributed to his arm pain.

Rick Porcello
Grade: C
Reason: FredFred, baby, what happened?

Max Scherzer
Grade: A-
Reason: His record, ERA, and WHIP are not spectacular, but I like his K/BB ratio and he’s definitely had his moments. Probably could have gone B+ here, but he brings me too much cartoon joy and I cannot justify grading him down.

Daniel Schlereth
Grade: C
Reason: Small sample size.

Brad Thomas
Grade: B
Reason: Very eh. But he has been called upon to fill a lot of random roles this year.

Jose Valverde
Grade: A+
Reason: Great pitching, great facial expressions. Great personality, brings joy to the team and to my life. So far from being Fernando Rodney, he can’t see even the tip of that aggravating pointy goatee. I LOVE YOU PAPA GRANDE, NEVER CHANGE.

Justin Verlander
Grade: A
Reason: He’s an All Star, he strikes a lot of dudes out, he’s trying his best to anchor the rotation. Still throws too many damn pitches, though.

Robbie Weinhardt
Grade: C+
Reason: I know his big league numbers are good, but THA SAMPLE SIIIIZE.

Joel Zumaya
Grade: n/a
Reason: deceased (armplosion)



Alex Avila
Grade: C+
Reason: At least he’s not Gerald Laird?

Gerald Laird
Grade: C-
Reason: At least he’s not, um… unable to play the catcher position?


Miguel Cabrera
Grade: A+
Reason: Mr. First Half Awesomesauce Bombasaurus Rex-tastic. Basically.

Adam Everett
Grade: F
Reason: The Tigers bent over backwards to give him second, third, fifteenth chances. Fans bent over backwards to try to justify it to themselves. He didn’t (couldn’t?) take advantage. So it goes.

Carlos Guillen
Grade: A-
Reason: Mostly I’m just happy that he’s adapting to yet another position shift so well. Relatively speaking. This could have been MUCH worse.

Brandon Inge
Grade: B
Reason: Oh, shut up. He gets points for defense and for his hilarious, only semi-explicable stranglehold on the Player of the Game voting.

Ramon Santiago
Grade: B-
Reason: Eh.

Scott Sizemore
Grade: D
Reason: The failed experiment, doomed to forever be jealous of AJax.

Danny Worth
Grade: B-
Reason: Small sample size, but he’s Not Adam Everett, so that’s something.


Brennan Boesch
Grade: A+
Reason: Oh Brennan Boesch, how do we love thee? Let us count the ways./ We love thee to the depth and breadth and height/ thy bat can reach. (so that’s about 420 to center)

Austin Jackson
Grade: A
Reason: Easily the Tigers rookie of the first half if Brennan Boesch does not exist. WE ARE OVERRUN WITH OUTFIELD ROOKIE RICHES.

Don Kelly
Grade: C-
Reason: I’ve got my eye on you, Kelly. I see you up there, wasting a roster spot.

Magglio Ordonez
Grade: A
Reason: It would be an A+ if he would grow that hair back out (alternative: start wearing his socks up).

Ryan Raburn
Grade: C
Reason: If I give Kelly a C- I kind of have to give Rhino a C. It’s only fair.


Traitor Damon
Grade: B-
Reason: Graded up for general positive influence on the team and solid performance. Graded down for being a filthy turncoat.

This year’s average is a pretty solid B-, leaning slightly towards B. The ’08 average was a C+/B- and the ’09 average was a B-. Since I go into these report cards with absolutely no forethought whatsoever, the fact that they tend to normalize to the same level of overall annoyance with the team each year, regardless of that team’s performance in the standings, is kind of amazing. At least it amazes me. Possibly I am just very easily amazed.


20 responses to “Roar of the Tigers midseason report card 2010

  1. Aww, no grade for Prince Puffalot?

  2. And Leyland?

    • Hmmm, I’m 2 and 2 together and thinking maybe Leyland is Prince Puffalot. Although now I think he is Prince (King?) Puffalotless.

  3. hmm… 3 good outfielders and 2 mediocre/decent ones. i think we got this outfield situation figured out.

  4. ivantopumpyouup

    I see you up there, wasting a roster spot.

    I imagined Rod saying that and it gave me glee.

  5. totally wasting a roster spot. and it is soooo rod allen! sam, were you channeling your inner rod?

  6. also why does avila get extra points for his stubble? that stubble…oh my.

  7. TigersFan81371

    I think Weinahardt should either get a B or an Incomplete. The sample size is small, but the sample has been fairly good so far.

    Sure, he gave up a run on one hit and a hit batter in one inning in his debut, but he’s been impressive since.

    He came in to replace Verlander with two on and one out in the top of the 6th vs. MINN on 7/9. The Tigers had led 7-1 at the beginning of the inning. Verlander had just given up five straight hits, and one run had scored. The Twins were threatening to add more. Robbie got Delmon Young to GIDP to end the inning and the threat. He pitched a 1-2-3 7th after that (getting Hardy, Punto and Span — the first two via the K). That was outstanding work for a kid making only his 2nd MLB appearance.

    He came back the very next day and was solid again. The Tigers were up 7-3 in the top of the 7th. Daniel Schlereth started the inning by giving up a double to Jason Kubel. RW came in and retired the next three guys (Cuddyer, Young and Hardy). Yes, the inherited runner did end up scoring, but he made sure the Twins didn’t get an ugly rally going. He came back to retire the first guy he faced in the 8th (Punto) before Leyland decided to go with Coke to face Span.

    I’m looking forward to seeing more nice contributions from RW in the second portion of the season.

  8. Agreed mostly, but at least Don Kelly is useful defensively. Not that web gems make a great player, but he’s saved a few runs this year. Wherever you put him, he’s competent, unlike R. Raburn..

  9. “C” is average for a reason, right?

    Anyway, did anybody else see the really nice article on Miggy in this week’s Sports Illustrated? In it, Brennan Boesch told us that Miggy likes to call him (Boesch) “his bodyguard,” despite the fact that Miggy weighs 50 pounds more than he does! I love it!

  10. I see you report card!

    Now when I hear “mr. boombastic” i’ll think of miggy.

  11. -“FredFred, baby, what happened?” HILARIOUS!!!
    -I’ve been without computer the past days *gasp gasp!*, so I just caught up on your Terrible Cartoons. They were fantastic! It took a while for me to get the one with Andy Oliver. Great representation though!
    -Loved the Star Trek one. Especially Don Kelly stressing over his red shirt. Hee hee!
    -The rookie one was great too. But… I didn’t think Brennan Boesch was that blonde…
    -Still, great job and keep up the good work!

  12. David O. (13194013)

    Ryan Raburn – scourge of doors that can open.

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