Forget everything you know about spelling: Jhonny Peralta is a Tiger.

The fact that Jhonny Peralta is now a Tiger is notable for two reasons:

— The amazing wandering H.

— His head is naturally shaped like a near-perfect sphere, instantly making him the Tiger closest in form to a Real Life Terrible Cartoon.

Aside from those two most vital factors, he was acquired because the Tigers urgently, desperately need infielders who are not raw untried kittens. Jhonny is not someone who can propel the team back into high spirits and contention with his bat, but he IS a veteran. It’s actually kind of sad to see him leave the Racist Logos (if we can feel any emotions for the Racist Logos that are not ‘disgust’ and ‘disdain’ and similar). He had been with them for his entire career, including his initial signing.

To get him the Tigers had to give up Giovanni Soto, another awkward spelling (given the fact that there is already a ‘Geovany’ Soto in the league).

Game? What game? This is all I can concentrate on, obviously.

Well, alongside one more thing: Jeremy Bonderman’s thoughts on retirement.

“(Owner Mike Ilitch) and the Tigers’ organization have given me an opportunity to provide for my family really well, and I feel like I’ve saved a lot of money and I have the ability to be able to do what I want — whether it’s be with my kids every day or go on fishing trips with my dad or brothers,” he [Bonderman] said in the clubhouse at Tropicana Field. “At times I love it. At times I’m like, ‘Man.’ “

“I feel I have a lot left,” Bonderman said. “If I really want to play, I can play. I’m just kind of thinking about it. I don’t know if it’s what I’m going to do.”
Vince Ellis/Detroit Free Press

Bondo. Kiddo, we need to talk. For one thing, this was only ever intended as a Terrible Cartoon joke, not a reality to which you should aspire. Maybe we should have clarified that?

For another thing, you are twenty-freakin-seven years old. You really want to retire at 27? I know you probably DO have enough money to comfortably do it, assuming you were smart with it and don’t plan to spend the rest of your life living lavishly above your means, which doesn’t really seem like your kinda thing anyways. Well, you probably bought some asinine car. Aside from that.

But what are you going to do with yourself? Sit around the house all day? Not to be rude, Bondo, but what other skills, exactly, do you have? Hunting season is not year-round, and you can only go fishing so often.

And: look. Unless your home fishing grounds are on the Gulf, the fish will still be there five, ten, fifteen years from now.

5 responses to “Forget everything you know about spelling: Jhonny Peralta is a Tiger.

  1. First thing Peralta needs to do? Make ammends with Raburn for sending him crashing through a door. :)

  2. I think Bondo is just beefing. Because really… what else WOULD he do? He doesn’t have a college degree, I don’t think he’s ever expressed interest in going back to school…

  3. ivantopumpyouup

    I could see Bondo retiring. I think this is like 60% posturing and 40% serious.

    Jhonny Peralta’s head is a big shiny balloon.

  4. Seven years of name mocking down the drain.

  5. TigersFan81371

    Two home runs in his debut?!? Oh, snap! Has the season been saved?

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