illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Things were going so well in Minnesota. The Tigers put up some runs against a Twinkie pitcher who has been very good this year. The Twinkies showed some uncharacteristic sloppy play in the field. Rod and Mario discovered the wonders of the porkchop on a stick, which may be procured in Target Field. Jhonny Peralta was htiting the bsaeball. The Only Casper in Major League Baseball was hitting the baseball. Armando actually looked good, despite the fact that he has not been all that great against the Twinks historically.
The Tigers were winning!
It got to be the 6th and 7th innings, and then… things were not going well. I blame:
–Jason Repko, for making an amazing leaping catch at the wall that demoralized the heck out of the Tigers,
–Phil Coke, for forgetting how to pitch anywhere even sort of close to the inside half of the plate without actually hitting the batter with the baseball,
–the stadium, because they were talking about some feature of it that distracts some set of players (outfielders?), I don’t know, I was kind of falling asleep at this point and wasn’t really listening, but there was definitely something along those lines being discussed, so I blame it,
–Jhonny, for getting all those hits, but still managing to strand the tying run at third to end the game,
–the Spazzosaurus, for nibbling ever so delicately on Phil Coke,
–Country Joe West, for doing something… not sure what, but he must have done something or other, I feel certain of that.
Pretty miserable stuff. So let us concentrate instead on the porkchop on a stick, which is not something I would ever eat, for a variety of reasons, but that does not really matter and we can enjoy it anyways. Rod and Mario enjoyed it thoroughly. They enjoyed it as a concept and as a tasty reality right there in the booth, because they talked it up so much that someone ran out and got them one. Rod refused to eat it on camera, though, which MIGHT have been enough to salvage this game.
In fact, if Rod Allen had eaten the porkchop on a stick on camera, the Tigers might have won this game. Don’t you think? Something to keep in mind for tomorrow, Rod.